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James Comey Sleeping On The Democrats' Couch, Has Thoughts On Color Of Guest Room

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Last Tuesday, Comey tweeted to his 1 million followers, who do not and will never include me, that they should all go out this fall and vote for Democrats because -- you know, totally breaking news -- Republicans were awful.

"This Republican Congress has proven incapable of fulfilling the Founders' design that 'Ambition must ... counteract ambition.' All who believe in this country's values must vote for Democrats this fall. Policy differences don't matter right now. History has its eyes on us," he wrote.

Check out the big brain on Comey! Trying to impress folks with his reference to James Madison and the Federalist Papers. It's a pompous empty gesture, of course, because he's just preaching to the choir now. His former Republicans have long ago abandoned him. Sure, the GOP loved cool James when he put a wrecking ball through Hillary Clinton's campaign, but they were all "What have you done for me lately?" when Donald Trump fired him after a couple awkward dates.


The Republican Party has left me and many others," Comey said on the ABC podcast "Start Here," a media stop on his "A Higher Loyalty" book tour. "I need no better evidence than their new website, which I think is "Lyin' Comey," maybe, attacking me. I just think they've lost their way, and I can't be associated with it."

What a moral stance it is to leave a party that openly and publicly insults you! He came home to find the locks changed and his belongings stuffed into trash bags on the front yard. Time to move on. Don't have to tell old Comey twice. So, he shows up at our house in the middle of the night and we let him crash. We're good that way. Wanna bad mouth the ex? Fine, we'll listen. We never liked them anyway. But barely any time has passed before he's sitting around on our good couch in his ratty robe, eating our food, drinking our booze, and getting all up in our business.

Wait, earlier you said "policy differences" didn't matter. As long as we're not covering up for Putin's puppet-in-chief, what's it to you if we pursue such radical policies as universal health care and sensible gun control like some first world nation? No wonder they call you "Lyin'." I know you crushed on Barack Obama in your book, but he spent eight years in the "great middle." He was "sensible," "balanced," "ethical" and Republicans spat in his face and claimed he was a socialist trying to destroy the nation. If Republicans are going to "Chicken Little" us then we might as well let the sky fall with free college and renewable energy.

I don't even know what Comey's so afraid of here. The only thing close to a jump to the socialist left is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's upset victory over Joe Crowley in the NY 14 Democratic primary. That's his rising tide of socialism? Conor Lamb, who flipped a Trump district in Pennsylvania, is a moderate. It's not like another Bernie Sanders beat Roy Moore in Alabama. It took "Doug Jones Democrat" Doug Jones to narrowly defeat a guy who used to cruise malls for teenage girls. Ocasio-Cortez will represent a Democrat +29 district in the Bronx. Yes, she talks about flipping seats "red" in November, but that was actually an example of someone "misspeaking." There's no need for another red scare.

Joe Lieberman wrote a "working class" case against Ocasio-Cortez that appeared in the not-so-working class Wall Street Journal. "Joementum" imagines some kind of nightmare scenario where Ocasio-Cortez is sworn into the House and immediately takes out Nancy Pelosi with an oversized Harley Quinn mallet and singlehandedly raises taxes on everyone to fund communist libraries. Lieberman, however, is the same moron who lost a VP slot to Sarah Palin. Shouldn't we expect a former FBI director to adequately prioritize threats to the United States? What's the more probable and worrisome risk: America becoming a corrupt kleptocracy like Russia, led by a strongman who actively attacks a free press, or our great nation winding up like Canada? How many poutine-related crimes did Comey investigate during his time at the bureau?

I know the FBI has a history of freaking out and labeling everyone communists, including Martin Luther King, but there's no real "socialist left" anyway. Ocasio-Cortez is no further from the center comparatively than Marco Rubio or even Jeff Flake. Republicans are often described as "moderate" more for their tone than their policies. It's why even some Democrats were gushing over John Kasich in 2016. Just don't walk around in actual Klan robes, as Steve King might as well, and you are good to pass for a "reasonable" Republican. It's only fair that we extend the same courtesy to Ocasio-Cortez. She doesn't beat up reporters or hang out with Russian spies. She's the Sue Heck of the Congressional middle. Chill out, James!

Like many former Republicans, Comey apparently wants to get into bed with Democrats only if we remind them of Republicans. He'll even bring a wig and that perfume the GOP always wore when trying to take away people's health care. Thank you for your concern, and no thanks.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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