BREAKING NEWS THAT IS BREAKING AND WILL MAKE ALL TEXAS VOTERS CRY AND BEG TED CRUZ FOR FORGIVENESS FOR EVER THINKING OF VOTING FOR THAT FINE-ASS BETO O'ROURKE.

Beto's campaign staff has been caught trying to feed the hungry.

No listen, it's worse than that. They were trying to feed the MEXICAN hungry. And the HONDURAN hungry. Fuckin' liberals, thinking people should get to eat food, even if they don't press "1" for English.

Because we are currently being instructed by Dear Leader to shit our pants over a caravan of migrants that's currently a thousand miles away -- and we're sending maybe as many as 15,000 active duty military personnel to the border to do God fuckin' knows what, even though the military itselfis like "Dude, this is dumb as shit" -- the time was ripe for Dildo McLubeBoat AKA James O'Keefe to drop another one of his highly edited videos, which purports to expose that BETO IS BUYING UBERS AND LOBSTERS AND THOSE CAKES THEY LIKE FOR THE ENTIRE CARAVAN, AND THEN HE'S GOING TO TAKE YOUR GUNS AND GIVE THEM TO THE CARAVAN SO THEY CAN SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE WITH YOUR OWN GUNS, AIYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Or, you know, maybe it's not that.

We watched O'Keefe's video. All of it. (Tip jar here.) You will be shocked to learn that, like all O'Keefe videos, it's obviously selectively edited and there is no semblance of a smoking gun. What the video does reveal, if we take it at face value (and with O'Keefe we never should), is some young Beto staffers talking about helping migrant people who have crossed the border already and getting them food and blankets and possibly transportation. (TO THE POLLS SO THEY CAN FRAUD THE VOTE? Nope, not that.) They seem to be talking about people who have applied for asylum and are being housed at a nearby church in the meantime. There is conversation here and there about using campaign cards to buy fruit cups, for hungry people. There's a little bit of "don't tell anybody, but it's probably fine." There's also a lot of what seems to be campaign staffers acting on their own to help the new arrivals, spending THEIR OWN MONEY, and asking if people have any extra blankets to keep people warm, and if there are any doctors who might be willing to volunteer to help the sick!

Sounds like some Christ-like liberal godless heathen bullshit to us, that's what it sounds like.

And you should hear how HAPPY these staffers sound about how they're helping feed the hungry and heal the sick. It's disgusting. It's like they view migrants as human beings created in God's image. UGH PEE YEW!

What's next, scumbags? Gonna wash the migrants' feet? (Because, you know, their feet probably hurt.)

Watch it, or don't:

"Nobody needs to know" Beto Campaign Appears to Illegally Spend Funds on Supplies for Caravan Alienswww.youtube.com

Is it possible they might have broken a law? Sure. O'Keefe cites a couple statutes that maybe these compassionate kids might have run afoul of. Campaigns are allowed to make charitable donations, but these kids might have Done A Bad, by skimming fruit cups off the top TO FEED THE HUNGRY. We don't know, because what James O'Keefe does not prove, or even attempt to prove, is that the Beto O'Rourke campaign is either failing to report or otherwise hide these expenditures. At least their hearts are in the right place, unlike, say, Donald Trump and Michael Cohen spending hundreds of thousands of dollars to keep porn ladies from talking about their affairs with Trump the month before the election. But anyway, GO TO FRUIT CUP JAIL, BETO!

Ted Cruz, because he's an absolute moron and a shameless liar who probably killed JFK with his trashfire dad (OK that part is unverified), has decided -- like the rest of the right-wing media -- to elide all the very thin "facts" of O'Keefe's report and go straight to accusing Beto of PAYING FOR THE CARAVAN. And remember, in the syphilitic brains of Trump supporters, the caravan is full of murderers and rapists and also somehow Middle Easterners (guess Emirates Air is doing some really good specials for "fly from Middle East and land in field in Guatemala") who are stampeding toward America (at about two miles per hour).

Also remember that this is the exact same Trump conspiracy theory that led a lunatic to massacre 11 Jews in their synagogue LAST WEEKEND, because they think George Soros The Jew is paying for the caravan.

Ted Cruz's "basic Q" about Beto funding people crossing the border illegally is invalid, as it isn't even remotely suggested in the O'Keefe video. But, to be completely fair, Ted Cruz might be too busy jerking off into empty soup cans to watch O'Keefe's 23-minute video. He probably just saw headlines like these:

There's your basket of deplorables, right there.

Know what we think? We think Ted Cruz needs to go fuck himself with a WWJD bracelet.

Also we think we should post this, just because we're dicks:

THE END.

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