Morning, Wonketariat! OMG, a teevee person actually sent us an apology last night! Let's just say we giggle-snorted in our seekret chatcave many bunches. (Okay, it wasn't sorry to us; it was BILL O'REILLY being "sorry" at Maxine Waters! He was bad at that too.) Anywhosit, here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

• House Intel Committee Chair Devin Nunes isn't going anywhere, and neither is the House investigation into Trump and Russia now that Nunes has announced that he won't do anything until FBI Director James Comey and NSA Director Mike Rogers come back to The Hill to dodge more questions.
• Trey Gowdy doesn't think Democrats would trust Jesus to chair the House Intel Committee, which is just silly seeing as Democrats are all godless hippie gaymosexuals who would be too busy drinking magic Jesus wine to even run for political office.
• The House voted to repeal Internet privacy regulations that barred ISPs from monitoring your browsing history and selling it to advertisers. Just remember to thank Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn for sticking up for the little guys at Verizon and Comcast.
• Trump and House Republicans are insisting that TrumpCare/RyanCare is not dead now that the Freedom Caucus crazies have (once again) proved that they are only useful as a foil, much to the dismay of Mitch McConnell. LOL, thanks again, assholes!
• State legislators in red states are stepping up Medicaid expansion efforts, but don't you dare call it Obamacare!
• Trump signed legislation to get a little rapey with the planet, but now even ExxonMobil thinks Trump is A Idiot for his attempts to back out of the Paris Climate Accords. AN OIL COMPANY! Standing up for the environment (sort of)!
• Trump might be trying to grab Mother Earth by the purple mountains, but (some) states are stepping up to protect the environment. Stupid states rights!
• Funding for the $1.5 billion Tortilla Curtain is likely to be bundled into Trump's budget, but some Republicans are sheepishly backing away now that new reporting suggests it could cost over $20 billion.
• Former Illinois Rep. and Downtown Abbey super-fan Aaron Schock was bugged by the FBI through a staffer while still in office, according to recently released court documents detailing the extent of his shameless (alleged) self-dealing. THIS is what federal wiretapping looks like.
• Federal employees are bracing themselves for massive layoffs, furloughs and hiring freezes as well as reductions in hours and GS ratings so that the DOD can crank out more $500 hammers and million dollar toilet seats.
• Two fake "citizen journalists" are being charged with 15 felony counts for violating health-care provider privacy rights after doctoring hidden-camera footage of Planned Parenthood reps to make it seem like PP was selling aborted fetuses. Fuck these assholes.
• GOOD NEWS, LIBERAL MEDIA ELITE! The entire White House will skip the White House Correspondents Dinner so that it can stand, "in solidarity with the president, who has been treated unfairly." LOL, thanks for making nerd prom suck less, even if we weren't invited. (Hey, Samantha Bee, can Wonkette come to your party?)
• HEY SPORTS FANS! Trump won't throw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals season opener because of a "scheduling conflict," not because he'd be run off the field faster than the Presidents Race and his weak tiny baby hands can't hold a ball.

• Hillary Clinton gave a nice talky time last night about professional ladies, and how they have to deal with sexism, using attacks on Rep. Maxine Waters by Bill O'Reilly, and comments by Sean Spicer aimed at reporter April Ryan from earlier in the day as evidence.
• Britain has officially enacted "Brexit" procedures, and it will now have to wait in a long queue for several years while it too contemplates the effects of ethnocentric nationalism in the 21st century global economy.
• Yesterday Scotland said "Fuck all ya'll," in bagpipe speak, and announced a second attempt at Scottish independence from Britain.
• And here's your late night wrap-up! Colbert wondered where congressional ninja Devin Nunes has his head;Seth Meyers took A Closer Look at Devin Nunes; and Trevor Noah looked at how to militarize the social safety net.
• And here's your morning Nice Time! Polar bear cubs! They're the fuzziest, most adorable and endangered man-eaters ever!

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