Jared Kushner Basically The Guy In Fargo Covered In Flop-Sweat Trying To Fake The VIN's On His Car Lot Now
This is from his Russian Wikipedia page. For reals.
Dammit, Jared! Can you cut the shit for 10 minutes so the country can get some sleep? Must you ALWAYS be getting caught with your hand in the cookie jar? Okay, because it is a day, we will run down the Kushner scandal sheet while shouting, "WHY THE HELL DOES THIS GRIFTY BASTARD STILL WORK IN THE WHITE HOUSE?!?!" over and over until the neighbors call the cops.
Welcome to DC! Please tip your waiter!
How many money guys visited the White House and then made loans to the Kushner family business? No one knows, since the White House conveniently stopped making the visitor logs public when the Griftapalooza started last January. But yesterday the New York Times reported some fun coincidences.
For instance, Joshua Harris, a private equity manager at Apollo Global Management, visited Jared several times in 2017 and even talked about coming to work in the White House. The job never happened -- dodged a bullet there, dude! -- but still Apollo made a $184 million loan to Kushner Companies in November.
Even by the standards of Apollo, one of the world’s largest private equity firms, the previously unreported transaction with the Kushners was a big deal: It was triple the size of the average property loan made by Apollo’s real estate lending arm, securities filings show.
And do not come at us with that nonsense like, "Oh, but Jared is pure of heart! He divested himself of all that before he took the White House job." Stop it, you're just embarrassing yourself! Jared "sold" some of his assets to his mother and brother. (Yeah, and we believe in the Tooth Fairy!) He still has a $760 million stake in his various real estate holdings. So when he meets with lenders, they know damn well his family is looking for a loan, whether he brings it up or not.
Did Jared say, "Hey, you know my family business could use a few hundred million dollars, if you know what I mean," when he met with Citigroup's chief executive Michael Corbat last spring? MAYBE NOT. (And maybe so! Boy did ask Russia for a secret shoe phone!) But it sure was nice of Citi to kick out $325 million in financing for a property Kush's family owned in Brooklyn right after that. Really, really, nice.
The White House referred questions to Mr. Kushner’s lawyer, Abbe Lowell, who did not dispute that the meetings between Mr. Kushner and the executives took place.
Peter Mirijanian, a spokesman for Mr. Lowell, said in a statement that Mr. Kushner “has met with hundreds of business people.” He said that Mr. Kushner “has taken no part of any business, loans or projects with or for” Kushner Companies since joining the White House and that he has followed ethics advice.
LOLOLOL. He "followed ethics advice?" Who exactly gave him this advice? Was it John Barron?
Okay, movin' on. If we talk too much about any one Kushner scandal, we'll still be here typing when the next one breaks. Stop trying to distract us by asking why Kushner's private lawyer is fielding questions about his conduct as a government employee, darnit!
NY Financial Regulators: Turn Your Head and Cough, Sonny!
Poppy's pardon pen is powerless in the state of New York. And by sheer coincidence, Bloomberg reports that the New York Department of Financial Services (DFS) has one or two questions about the Kushner Companies' relationships to Deutsche Bank AG and two smaller regional lenders. It's nothing that can't be cleared up by turning over all the banks' communications with Kushner Companies, plus any internal evaluations bearing on the creditworthiness of the business, NBD.
Oh, you think you're being targeted politically?
Christine Taylor, a spokeswoman for the Kushner Cos., said the company hasn’t received a copy of any letter from the DFS. “Our company is a multibillion enterprise that is extremely financially strong. Prior to our CEO voluntarily resigning to serve our country, we never had any type of inquiries. These type of inquiries appear to be harassment solely for political reasons,” she said.
So sorry for your bad luck! Perhaps your CEO shouldn't have thrust himself into the national spotlight if he couldn't handle the extra attention. But since you bring it up, we can think of one time when your company had "inquiries," although we grant you that was in New Jersey.
Look who's going shopping!
As your Wonkette has mentioned, Jared's claim to real estate fame is having paid $1.8 billion for a famous New York highrise in 2007 just before the bottom fell out of the market. Even after selling a 49.5% share in 666 Fifth Avenue to Vornado Realty Trust, Kushner Cos. has fallen ever further behind on the $1.2 billion mortgage. And yet, now that Vornado is making noise about wanting to sell its stake in the building, Kushner is making noise about wanting to buy it from them. Which is ... outside the box thinking for people so cash-strapped they can't even keep up with the existing mortgage. (Or their Visa!) (Wonkette can't pay its Visa either, but Wonkette is not a septicentimillionaire.) Who exactly will be lending them the money for this purchase? And would his or her name appear on the White House visitor logs if such a thing existed anymore?
WE HAVE QUESTIONS.
And it's only Thursday!
So, to recap, yesterday's news about Jared, the Boy Wonder:
- His family business received loans of $500 million from people who just happened to have visited him in the White House recently.
- New York financial authorities have asked Deutsche Bank and two smaller companies for all their documents pertaining to Kushner Cos., and the Kushner family is whining about it.
- Despite being totally underwater on the mortgage for 666 Fifth Avenue, Kushner Cos. is suddenly confident in its ability to raise money to buy out the other shareholder. They'll find the money somewhere.
That was Wednesday. Tuesday was the day we learned Jared can't get security clearance because he keeps having all these secret communications with foreigners, and McMaster only hears about it when those foreigners get picked up on wire taps LOLing about Jared being such a greedy little dumbass. Friday was the day John Kelly revoked Jared's hall pass. And some day last week we found out that Robert Mueller is looking into Kush's efforts to get foreigners to refinance that 666 devil building. Only we can't remember the day, and we probably left out like six other Jared scandals, because who the hell can possibly keep track of this stuff!
LOCK HIM UP. LOCK HIM UP FOREVER. THE END.
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