Jared Kushner Is A Complete Dipshit, And His Lawyer Isn't Far Behind
Not really no.
If you Google "Jared Kushner" right now, you get a bunch of news stories about how Kushner is stupid, and how his ESTEEMED LEGAL COUNSEL Abbe Lowell (who had a career before this but might not after) can't stop getting Punk'd and Boner'd and whatever other cute words there are for what happens when gullible people fall for hilarious pranks.
It all, of course, relates to JaredGate or EmailGhazi or whatever we would call the Javanka Email Massacre if it were committed by Hillary Clinton. When news broke earlier this week that Kushner and his wife Ivanka, the president's daughter, had been using SECRET PERSONAL EMAILS in their White House positions, we LOLed, because Jesus, these fucking hypocrites. At first, though, we didn't know if we were dealing with evil monsters on the level of Hillary, because we weren't sure if their private email thingie was simply an email domain or a full-blown SERVER. Guess what, it is a server!
That little factoid is dropped in a Politico report on how the White House has begun an internal investigation into Jared, Ivanka, and whomever else might be using private email to send and receive recipes, hilarious cat pictures, and classified government secrets. We're sure the Trump White House will be a total hardass when it comes to investigating the Trump White House.
Considering the gravity of the matter -- because, as we all know, using private email is a crime worse than murder, right? -- you'd think goons from the Benghazi committee like Rep. Trey Gowdy would be slapping the dicks out of their own mouths and starting one million House investigations into the matter. And good news! Gowdy and his Democratic counterpart on the oversight committee, Elijah Cummings, fired off a letter this week demanding some ANSWERS, DAMMIT. It specifically asks for the name, age and most embarrassing memory of every person in the White House using private email, and also for information on "accounts and cell phone numbers that may have been used to transmit encrypted messages." If that sounds like Gowdy is shoehorning his own dumbass investigation on who in the White House leaks mean things about Donald Trump to the media to you, don't worry, it sounds like that to us too.
When the Senate Intelligence Committee found out about the secret Jared@Ivanka.com address, its members were PISSED because Kushner hadn't deigned to share that little detail with them when he met with committee staff to answer all their questions about how dirty he is in the Russia investigation. So they fired off a letter! Upon receipt of the letter, Kushner lawyer Abbe Lowell promptly forwarded it to
his client the prankster who fooled him earlier this week by pretending his name was "Jared Kushner" and that he was worried about all the NAKEY SEXXXY LEGOLAND PORNOGRAPHY he had on his private email:
JARED KUSHNER'S LAWYER, ABBE, sent this to my FAKE JARED email address today!!! ??
pls support ??
— EMAIL PRANKSTER™ (@SINON_REBORN) September 28, 2017
We just ... GOOD HEAVENS, these people.
In response to the letter from the Senate Intelligence Committee, Lowell told CNN he totally understands why they would be perturbed, but says they reviewed that account at the time and there was nothing important in it. This runs counter what he said to Pretend Jared in the XXX bareback LEGO PORN emails, where he seemed to reveal that actually he hadn't actually reviewed all the emails in the email account actually.
Anyway, we should probably lock Jared up, for being dumb, because BUT HIS EMAILS! and also because he's probably guilty as fuck in the Russia investigation. As for Abbe Lowell, HELLO, I AM A NIGERIAN PRINCE AND I WILL SEND YOU ONE GABILLION DOLLARS IF YOU FIRST SEND ME ONE MILLION DOLLARS AND A PONY, THIS IS NOT A SCAM.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.