Jared Kushner: THIS IS YOUR LIFE
Donald Trump is to blame for all of this. Of course he is. But would this administration be such an unmitigated disaster without Jared Kushner's monstrous ego and wild delusions about his own political abilities? Would this shitshow shutdown have lasted a month without Jared promising The Old Fool that Nancy Pelosi was just on the verge of giving in? And what is this nonsense Kushner keeps flogging about a pack of mythical wall-lovin' Dems who will turn this ship around any second now?
THIS DID NOT HAPPEN. Not in a million years. And the president's son-in-law wandering around Capitol Hill boasting that he's the one who can "land this plane" likely prolonged the shutdown even further. Because, as House Democratic Caucus Chair Hakeem Jeffries told The New York Times, "If Jared Kushner thinks there is any daylight between House Democratic leadership and rank-and-file members on this issue, then the extent that he lands this plane it will land in the Alamo."
You just haven't earned it yet, baby. You just haven't earned it, son.
Last week, before Trump folded like one of his own hideous ties, Jared Kushner 'splained his superduper strategy for getting Chuck and Nancy to give them WALL. They just need to convince a bunch of Democratic senators to defect, then Nancy Pelosi will get nervous -- you know how girls are -- and her own members will pressure her to give Trump all the WALLBUX. Mmmkay?
"Apparently, Jared has become an expert on immigration in the last 48 hours," said his father-in-law. And then the whole room barked and clapped like trained seals, allegedly. In fact, Jared knows fuck-all about immigration, and even less about congressional negotiations. He spends quite a bit of time huddled up with Mick Mulvaney and Mike Pence (no homo!). Sometimes they even go shoot the breeze with Mitch McConnell (no turtle!). But they never go talk to actual Democrats. The Post reports that The Kush's posse hasn't approached Senator Schumer or Speaker Pelosi in weeks, and he's a "non-entity" in the words of one Democratic staffer.
Not so, says Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz, "I love the Cush [sic][...] I'll tell you what, he's turned out to be a master negotiator and a competent force on the Hill. Jared has really deployed private-sector dealmaking to this process and brought that to Trump world."
(World tour, media whore ...)
And speaking of quotes, we would be remiss if we didn't give you this gem from The Post, about the master negotiator, who definitely does not sleep in footie pajamas in a rocketship bed across the hall from his wife.
Kushner has been a constant at the Capitol, ducking into meetings with party leaders and attempting to shepherd talks. He has mostly avoided speaking publicly, instead working from his sparsely decorated West Wing office where Reese's candy is on the table, a Kanye West poster is above the door and photos of his wife, Ivanka Trump, are on his desk.
Reissue, repackage, repackage. Reevaluate the songs!
With the federal government reopening, Trump finally has Democrats right where he wants them! White House spokesman Hogan Gidley went on Fox's Skeery Immigrant Propaganda Hour this weekend to deliver the gospel according to Jared.
What changed was that we had Democrats from rank-and-file positions come to us and say, 'Listen, we ran on safety and security, our constituents don't think walls are immoral. They don't think locking their doors at night, protecting their own families, is immoral. We are not like Chuck Schumer, we are not Nancy Pelosi's puppet, we want to work with you guys to come to a solution when we open the government, to actually build barriers around the southern border.'
Sure you do, buddy.
Even Trump's pal Pete Hegseth wasn't buying it, saying, "I don't know who all these unicorn, moderate Democrats are that are gonna suddenly work with this president."
Apparently Fox's John Roberts failed to parrot the party line last night, too -- although we're not digging up that video, since we just watched the White Couch Moron Squad, and we've hit our Fox limit for the day, TYVM.
Bet John Roberts and Gillian Turner are feeling pretty dumb right now!
Sadly, this is your life.
Back in the White House, every staffer in the place is texting out snark to The New York Times, telling reporters that Kushner "tends to view people who disagree with him as problems, closing them out of discussions" and "has not grasped the emotional nature of the fight." Which is Times-talk for "Everyone calls him an arrogant dumbass who's in way over his head, but you can't ignore him since he's the one Trump's listening to this week." ALLEGEDLY.
And Democrats in the House are even less impressed.
But Democrats said they do not believe that Mr. Kushner will have better luck drafting a larger deal in the next few weeks. "Unless he's able to convince his father-in-law to abandon his obsession with building a medieval border wall, then he's not going to be successful in finding a bipartisan agreement," Mr. Jeffries said.
But please, tell us more about Jared being right on the cusp of closing a huge immigration reform deal.
The sycophantic slags all say, 'I knew him first, and I knew him well!'
Let's end this tour with a fun passage from the Times's look at former Trump hack Chris Christie's book. Governor Christie and his wife joined Trump and young Jared at the White House on Valentine's Day in 2017 -- romantic! -- the day after Trump had fired Mike Flynn.
As Mr. Kushner tucked into his "typical salad," Mr. Christie wrote, the president said to him, "This Russia thing is all over now, because I fired Flynn." Mr. Christie said that he started laughing, and the president asked why.
"'Sir,' I said, 'this Russia thing is far from over,'" Mr. Christie wrote. Mr. Trump responded: "What do you mean? Flynn met with the Russians. That was the problem. I fired Flynn. It's over." Mr. Kushner added, "That's right, firing Flynn ends the whole Russia thing."
Mr. Christie, who wrote that it all sounded "naïve," recalled Mr. Kushner telling him that he was "crazy" when he said they would most likely still be discussing the Russia issue in February 2018.
Christie put Kushner's dad in jail, Kushner kept Christie out of the administration, and now Christie gets to watch Jared fail spectacularly and then fall into Mueller's clutches. It's the circle of life. And also, Hey, Mr. Special Counsel, were you looking for yet another piece of evidence of intent to obstruct justice? WE FOUND IT!
But you could've said no if you'd wanted to. You could have walked away ... couldn't you?
It's been abundantly clear for a year that Kushner was in way over his head. Foreign intelligence agencies are gleefully speculating on ways to manipulate him, and Middle Eastern governments promise him a massive regional agreement while mocking him as a "Clown Prince" behind his back. The idiot met with a sanctioned Russian bank during the transition, asked for a secret back channel to the Kremlin, and likely ordered Flynn to clandestinely lobby the Russian ambassador to abstain from sanctioning Israel at the UN. All of which he lied about on his security disclosure. The one which had to be greenlighted by a political appointee after the career security staff and CIA shouted HELL TO THE NO! in unison. Let's just say that judgment is not really young Jared's bag, baby. Hey, remember that time when he told Trump that Democrats would sing hosannas of gratitude if he fired James Comey? Looks like Kush is 0 for ... infinity.
(On their hands a dead star ...)
But revenge is dish best served cold, like a simpering nitwit's lite lunch. YA GETTING HUNGRY YET?
Paint A Vulgar Picture (2011 Remastered Version) www.youtube.com
Follow your FDF on Twitter!
Please click below to fund your Wonkette. It's been a brutal week in media, so support the ones you love.
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.