Jeanine Pirro Making Us Take Jeff Sessions's Side In A Fight Again, DAMMIT!

Judge Jeanine Pirro attempting the human facial expression known as a "smile."

The Fox News "Designer Imposter Judge" Jeanine Pirro is advocating hard for her next big job, even using her current faux news job to do it:

Jeanine Pirro has a top-rated Fox News show and a forthcoming book — “Lies, Leakers, and Liberals” — but she still wants to be President Donald Trump’s attorney general.

A former prosecutor and judge, Pirro has repeatedly told Trump’s aides and advisers over the past 18 months that she’s interested in taking over as the nation’s top law enforcement official, according to four people familiar with the conversations.

OK, she's focused, goal oriented. I can respect that, but wait, doesn't Trump already have an attorney general?

Wow! Attorney General Jeff Sessions is the "most dangerous man in America"? That's gotta hurt Barack Obama on some level, as he maintained the top spot at FOX for eight years running. It's like if "Thriller" were ever unseated as the "best music video ever made."

Pirro might have gotten the idea that Trump is open to replacing Sessions because Trump himself regularly tweets about how Sessions is a big stupidhead he can't stand and wishes he'd never met.


Sessions endures almost daily ritual humiliation from Trump because he currently has the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to wreck the lives of minorities and poor people, and he just can't give it up. Sessions's major miscalculation, which jeopardizes his sadistic dreams, was recusing himself from the investigation into the legal sinkhole and treasonous wasp nest that's the 2016 Trump campaign. (Which he did because he was LEGALLY REQUIRED TO.) Trump felt betrayed because he thought the attorney general should specifically serve as his own personal "Roy Cohn," who is currently dead and therefore unavailable to serve.

Sure, Sessions is so loathsome he often separates children from their parents if they can't guess his name, but he did that one scrupulous thing, which means him basically useless to Trump. Pirro meanwhile is promising "100% pure evil" scruple-free.

Unfortunately, Pirro's resume is fairly thin. Aside from following Hillary Clinton around like she's the Grateful Dead, Pirro hasn't done much to distinguish herself legally or otherwise. Perhaps she can make a case as a good "culture fit" in the Trump administration:

Soon after her 1993 election [as Westchester County District Attorney], Pirro took over a new floor of the courthouse, remodeled her office with mahogany, installed a private kitchenette, and built a $20,000 press room, decorated with her awards. Then she instituted a policy that no one could talk to the media without her permission -- ironic given her own success in corralling headlines as an A.D.A.

Few of the steady flurry of press releases that issue weekly from her office concern one of Westchester's most insidious problems: organized crime. The trouble, say more than a dozen former federal prosecutors, FBI agents, and members of the state Organized Crime Task Force, is that Pirro, married to a man whom many say she should be investigating, has turned her back on organized crime.

If Scott Pruitt and Ben Carson ever tire of bleeding taxpayers, Pirro can pick up the slack. She's a team player in corruption! And overlooking organized crime just plain makes working in the current White House more comfortable for everyone. Pirro will take that loyalty oath to Trump with one hand tied behind her back.

Conveniently, Pirro can actively network for the new job while appearing on her current Fox News show, and she's demonstrated that like Trump's pet veep Mike Pence, she's not above shameless, grotesque flattery:

There's also the regular evisceration of Trump's enemies, who are of course Pirro's enemies, as well. They have so much in common I'm gonna gush!

She also makes clear that she'd have no trouble relentlessly persecuting Trump's imagined foes at DOJ if by rare chance that was something he'd be into.

Finally, to seal the deal, Pirro recently gave Trump an anti-snoring mouthpiece that just tells him how disloyal Sessions is as he drifts off to sleep each night (allegedly).

Oh, and as a bonus, Pirro can drive really fast, which could come in handy if for some reason, Trump needed to leave town in a hurry.

Oh, it's your open thread. So talk. Or don't talk.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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