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Heckuva job, Jebbie


Fact: Every single thing about Jeb Bush is the most pathetic fucking thing we have ever seen. We already feel pretend-guilty enough as it is for continuing to report to you each new Most Pathetic Fucking Thing he does, but it's not our fault. He keeps doing it! And doing it again. And again! And AGAIN. And we have no choice but to tell you about it, because journalism.

Remember the Emergency Five-Alarm All Bushes On Deck weekend Jeb and family spent begging Republican donors to please not abandon him and invest their money on a safer bet like, say, Jim Gilmore? Of course you do, it was only a week ago. It was during that weekend when Team Jeb presented a slideshow (oooh, how edgy and high-tech) explaining how Jeb could still maybe win this thing.

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One of the arguments? Marco Rubio can't win this thing, because he's too much like President Obama was in 2008, when he won this thing and then won it a second time too.

Well. David Catanese at U.S. News got his journalistic hands on the rest of the slide show, and oh god, the Rubio thing is actually one of the better arguments from the 112-slide presentation.

To wit:

Who's missing from this list, hmmmm?

Republican donors are supposed to be impressed because among the long list of nobodies who've endorsed Jeb thus far is -- oh gosh and wow! -- the highly coveted endorsement of Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush, who happens to be Jeb's son. How in the wild wild west did Jeb manage to land such a win? Promise to raise George P.'s allowance or something?

Noticeably absent from the list though? A certain former President George H.W. Bush and a certain other former President George No-H-Dubya Bush. Granted, endorsements from former presidents ain't nothin' compared to (swoon!) Texas land commissioner. That's a well-known kingmaker position in America if ever there was one.

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But oh sweet pitiful second fiddle least-favorite son, if you're going to be so fucking pathetic as to tout the endorsement of family members, how do you not include on that list the famous ones who lived in that lovely split-level ranch house on Pennsylvania Avenue to which you aspire?

Unless Daddy and big brother George are still on the fence. Gee, the Donald Trump feller makes some good points, after all. And Dr. Ben Carson is a doctor! And George Pataki was the governor of 9/11 on 9/11, which is the Bush family's favorite holiday. And Jeb, well, he seems just about done here anyway, so it makes sense for two former presidents to reserve judgment.

Here are some other fantastic arguments to prove why Jeb is not dead yet:

Excellent news for ... someone

Once upon a time -- like, a few months ago -- everyone in the Bush family, even drooling idiot George, knew Jeb's best chance was to distance himself from his family and be all like, "George? Never met the guy." Because of how George sucked so much donkey cock and broke America and everyone hated him.

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But turns out, Americans hate Jeb without even giving him the chance to break America harder, so, strategy change, being a Bush is now a feature not a bug. And just look! Americans don't even hate George like they used to, so Jeb can run on being a Bush, with those famous Geenyus Bush genes, after all, which everyone knows are especially gifted at foreign policy and national security and war-doin' n stuff. Thus:

Bush family sweet spot

If Americans' top concern is national security, Bush definitely has it nailed because of all his experience being Dubya's brother. He kept us safe on 9/11, you know. Anyone who doesn't remember it that way is a conspiracy theory-spreading liberal leftist loser.

Also? That Jeb has been in a consistent downward spiral in the polls shouldn't scare off donors, because polls are volatile, you know. Why, just look at the Republican primary polls from 2012!

Remember when it looked like it was going to be a Bachmann-Cain ticket, but then Mitt Romney swooped in and became president after all? This just goes to show that even though Jeb is doing so badly, and his campaign is having to deny rumors he might drop out -- which is the first step toward dropping out -- there's still plenty of time for Jeb to rebound and be next year's Mitt Romney. And isn't that inspiring!

So please, Republicans, don't lose faith. Don't close your checkbooks. It could still happen. Jeb could still win the primary and be the guy to lose to Hillary Clinton. All he needs to do is get those other hard-to-get Bush family endorsements, and he's as good as giving his concession speech in November 2016.

[U.S. News]

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