Jeb! So Bad At Running For President That Even Herman Cain Is Mocking Him
Against all odds, Jeb! Bush has been running a campaign so godawful, so maladept, so mind-numbingly boring that we almost feel weirdly sorry for the guy. He's just so pathetic about the whole thing, veering from complete disinterest in the enterprise to goofy flailing sincerity. Every move he makes, every step he takes, every cake he bakes, reminds us that Daddy always loved Prodigal Son Shrub the best and Jebbie is just grabbing at table scraps. And now, perhaps the most ignominious thing that could possibly happen to Jeb has happened: he got completely owned by a complete failure from the last political cycle: Herman Cain.
See, it all started when Jeb decided to go around and explain to people that it was fine, no big deal really, that he is sitting at an abysmal 5 percent in the polls. In doing so, Jeb couldn't just leave well enough alone and say that he's a grower not a shower and peace out. No, he had to go on and cram both feet so far in his mouth that they came all the way out the back of his skull by dissing Herman Cain, noting that Cain was once an early front-runner who fell from grace. Man, why you gotta go do old Herman like that?
And as for Old Herman, he was very not pleased by the whole thing.
Cain, who will appear at a Donald Trump rally Monday night in Georgia, defended his long-shot bid, saying he went farther in the polls than Bush has this whole cycle without the advantage of a famous last name or fundraising power.
"If you want to say I had a 'fall,' go ahead, I guess. You can't fall when you've never gotten any higher than the floor in the first place, and that's the state of the Jeb Bush campaign," Cain wrote on his website.
Yeeeowtch. That's gonna leave a mark. The rest of us had completely forgotten about Herman, up to and including failing to remember that he had to bail out of the 2012 race after some restaurant ladies came forward and said that he tried to get them to do sexytime on him (ewww) in exchange for maybe sort of kind of one day hooking them up with a sweet job at Godfather's Pizza. But apparently Jeb has a long memory regarding former third-tier presidential candidates who are also skeevy. Maybe someday if you're lucky, that can be you, Jeb!
Now you just need your very own sex scandal to serve as an excuse for why you (metaphorically, duh) suck so hard.