Jeff Sessions 'Bout Had It Up To Here With Donald Trump's Chicken-Pluckin' BUUUUULLLLL-SHIT
Dear baby Jesus, here we fucking go again:
Whiiiiiiine! I'm Donald Trump! There's ketchup from this morning's third Big Mac on my nipple because I ate it in the nude! I'm bitching about my attorney general on Twitter during Executive Time because I'm dumber than a kindergartner when it comes to understanding how American government works! I'm mad my attorney general won't do my bidding and investigate my political opponents for the crime of investigating me! Whiiiiiiiiine!
(Meanwhile, in Robert Mueller's office: "Copy that tweet and put it in the obstruction of justice file, please.")
So what's this all about? Well! The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday afternoon that Attorney General Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions would instruct the Justice Department's inspector general to take a look-see at whether or not the government did a Good Thing when it got a FISA warrant on literal actual dumbest Russian intelligence asset ever Carter Page (as Democrats and patriots believe), or whether that was very bad (as Republicans and Russians believe). Now, you might be thinking, "Why theeeeeeee fuuuuuuuuck is the DOJ going to do Trump's dirty work like that?" And we agree! To a point!
But! If somebody is going to take a look and make sure the DOJ/FBI acted appropriately, the IG is the one to do it. We've had the same person running the Department of Justice Office of Inspector General since 2012, his name is Michael Horowitz, and he has been at DOJ off and on for years, serving under several presidents. (This is where Trump losing it over him being "an Obama guy" is so ridiculous. Horowitz is sworn to uphold the Constitution, and has not pledged his undying love and devotion to the sad nutsack of Donald Trump, therefore he is DEEEEEEP STATE!)
Look at Sessions's phrasing:
"We believe the Department of Justice must adhere to the highest standards in the FISA court, and yes it will be investigated, and I think that’s just the appropriate thing,” Mr. Sessions said. “The inspector general will take that as one of the matters he’ll deal with.”
Basically, Sessions is saying, "Jesus Christ pluckin' a banjo at a Sessions Family Squirrel Eatin' Contest! Sure, YOU BET, we will take a look at the dumb shit in Devin Nunes's memo, through the appropriate channels, and then we can all go to a whites-only hootenanny and smoke cigarettes, but not marijuana cigarettes, those are of the Devil. That work for you, President Shit Talker?"
Sessions has been doing everything he can to try to thread the needle between being Donald Trump's good little boy and also sorta kinda running the Justice Department like the independent organization it's supposed to be. (Regarding this, anyway.) This has been going on since last summer when Trump almost fired Sessions multiple times for recusing himself in the Russia investigation, then proceeded to berate Sessions and make him cry for months, in person and on Twitter. Sure, Sessions has been making noise about telling investigators to open up new not-quite-investigations into Hillary Clinton, even going so far as to say it's time we took a look at whether Hillary Clinton emailed all of America's Uraniums to Russia, because it's not like that matter was settled fucking years ago or anything. Of course at the same time, his DOJ actually officially admitted Hillary Clinton is innocent of all Uranium Crimes back in December. Also, when Ohio Fucking Moron Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio demanded to know in November if Sessions would appoint a second prosecutor to investigate Hillary Clinton, his response, in Congressional testimony, was the folksiest "eat me" we have ever heard.
So Sessions has been in a kind of impossible position, trying to be the American attorney general in the administration of an un-American president. Hell, we've almost felt sorry for him. Almost. You know, like if he wasn't such a pig turd racist who wanted to Make America 1950 Again.
But this time, Sessions is THROUGH. It took fewer than 24 hours for Attorney General Cletus to respond this time around, and look at what he said:
“We have initiated the appropriate process that will ensure complaints against this Department will be fully and fairly acted upon if necessary,” Mr. Sessions said in his statement. “As long as I am the Attorney General, I will continue to discharge my duties with integrity and honor, and this Department will continue to do its work in a fair and impartial manner according to the law and Constitution.”
In other words? JEFFERSON BUTTERBEANS MCGILLICUDDY is the attorney general, not Donald Trump, and PRAISE THE LORD AND PASS THE BISCUITS, MAMA, Jeff Sessions will do his job the way it's supposed to be done! (That is how Jeff Sessions says "Stay in your lane, motherfucker!")
The Wall Street Journal adds that people close to Sessions say this morning's tweet from Donald The Dipshit "crossed a line because Mr. Trump wasn’t personally bashing the attorney general or making generic complaints about the attorney general not investigating a political rival." WSJ goes on:
In Mr. Sessions’s view, the president was asking him to take concrete investigative steps and not follow standard procedure, which would be a referral to the inspector general.
In other words, Jeff Sessions has finally grown half a pair of hickory nuts in his britches! Good on 'im!
We will update this post when Donald Trump fires Sessions, which may be in five minutes so, you know, stick around.
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