Jeff Sessions Can't Pee Test Everyone In D.C. Your Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 20, 2017
Morning Wonketariat! Happy 4/20 Mary-juana-funtime day! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today (totally sober-ish).
- In its persistent need to jeopardize the whole of humanity, Trump's administration is now setting its sights on Iran.
- The Trump administration is defending itself for losing an aircraft carrier as a simple misunderstanding. Don't worry though, Trump's toys are on their way to instigate World War III now.
- There's something fishy about the press release regarding the U.S.S. Carl Vinison HHHMMMMMM...
- Trump still doesn't have a plan to deal with cyber warfare, but we're sure he could get one from some 400lb guy sitting in his parents basement, or Russia.
- Carter Page appears to be the missing link between Trump and Russia seeing as how this
dumb son of a bitchcampaign foreign policy advisor triggered the FBI's investigation.
- FEC filings show that Trump's campaign has $4 million in "legal consulting" and "legal fees," with another half million since Election Day, which is really just par for the course considering his personal life and his "career" in real estate are marked by court proceedings that detail one miserable failure after another.
- FCC Chairman Ajit Pai will continue to try and kill the Internet today as two regulatory rollback votes come up in Congress, one of which could allow ISPs to raise connection fees for businesses and small markets, like Nowheresville, USA, hospitals, and small businesses. The other has the potential to give more pro-Trump broadcasters power as they consolidate stations.
- People are trying to tell Jeff Sessions who to hire in order to make the Justice Department a shining jewel, but we're pretty sure he's more interested in keeping it a lump of coal.
- Trump's poll numbers are tanking hard. HAHAHAHA "Low Ratings! Sad!"
- Many Congress critters have chapped assholes today after being reamed by constituents who are sick of their shit. Keep it up!
- Lindsey Graham is hanging out on the Trump Train as long as Trump hates all of Not America more bigly and gooder, ya'll.
- In case you forgot, Glenn Beck is still a crazy, slanderous piece of shit, and his shitty fake-ish news rag is definitely not losing money, unlike before when it was hemorrhaging money.
- Ann Coulter's speech at Berkley has been canceled over fears of violent protests, but she plans to go anyway, because of freedumbs, and 'Merica, and The Banana Republic.
- It apparently takes half a dozen assholes to fill O'Reilly's chair because Fox is moving Eric Bolling and Jesse Watters to prime time as Tucker Carlson drops to O'Reilly's old slot. Say it with me now, "And nothing of value was lost."
- Roger Stone loves all the attention people are giving him for being a rat fuck trash goblin left over from the Nixon-era because he has a book to sell. Go ahead, Congress, drag his ass out of Mordor.
- Julian Assange thinks he's being illegally detained (he isn't), and now Assange is giggling about running for U.K. parliament (he can't).
- The EPA is planning to coerce employees to You're Fired themselves with buyouts before they start laying off Uncle Sam's hippies.
- ExxonMobil wants special permission to drill, baby, drill in the Black Sea, despite U.S. sanctions on Russia for its invasion in Ukraine (...and Georgia).
- Venezuela is experiencing massive protests in Caracas that have left two people dead, and prompted GM to run away kicking and screaming.
- South Koreans are mad at Trump's historical ignorance on the Sino-Korean affairs and they're shouting loudly all over the Internets.
- Democrats in Montana want some TLC from the DNC now that Jon Ossoff has proved that Democrats stand a fighting chance with enough attention.
- LOL, former Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been booted out of his church after pleading guilty to phonesexing his mistress/assistant and dry humping state ethics laws. The martyr, woe is he!
- GOOD NEWS: The suspension of gay-hatin' judge Roy Moore has been upheld by the Alabama Supreme Court, barring him from ever ignoring the Constitution (at least as an Alabama Supreme Court justice) again. It's cool, bro, we're sure some right-wing drunk tank on K st. will find a spot for you.
- MORE GOOD NEWS: The Marine Corps and the Navy have banned the the distribution of nudie pictures of lady soldiers for personal gain, humiliation, harassment, or the "reckless disregard" for all of the above. About. Fucking. Time.
- Super rich guy Todd Ricketts withdrew from consideration as Deputy Commerce Secretary, possibly because he'd be hung by his underwear from a foul pole in Wrigley Field by drunk Cubs fans if confirmed.
- The most hated sportsball team in America met the most hated President in America, and then some photos were taken with the sportsballers that weren't boycotting before a sportsballer tried to help Spicey during his press conference.
- And here's your late night wrap-up! Jimmy Kimmel had a new edition of Drunk Donald Trump and why Trump was such a cheapskate for his inauguration; Trevor Noah reveled in the ousting of Bill O'Reilly; Colbert gave a final fuck off to Bill O'Reilly, had some talky time with Lewis Black, then went in to full Alex Jones-mode and took his pants off with a bowl of chili; James Corden noticed America's first drive-thru weed dispensary in Colorado; Sam Bee has a SUPER CUTE tutorial on FOIA requests
- And here's your morning Nice Time! Wolf Puppies!
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[Don't really know what Dom is talking about here, but he gets up at like 2 a.m. to write these, so we are guessing drugs.]