Jeff Sessions Guesses Pussburgling Really Is Sexual Assault. It's A Christmas Miracle!
We appear to have reached an important breakthrough in the legal education of Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III! In his confirmation hearings this afternoon, Sessions appears to have finally realized that grabbing a woman by her genitals without her consent constitutes sexual assault, an apparent refinement of his understanding since October 2016, when he wasn't altogether certain. Check out the carefully phrased questions here by Sen. Patrick Leahy:
Sessions was asked if grabbing a woman by genitals is sexual assault, and what happens if a person in office does so https://t.co/g1g9ToPUZ9
— CNN (@CNN) January 10, 2017
Leahy: Is grabbing a woman by her genitals without consent sexual assault?
Sessions: Clearly, it would be.
Sen. Jeff Sessions can't figure out if it's sexual assault, and Trump campaign manager Kellyanne Conway is all PFFFFFT EVERYBODY DOES IT.
Sessions: This was very improper language, and he’s acknowledged that.
The Weekly Standard: But beyond the language, would you characterize the behavior described in that as sexual assault if that behavior actually took place?
Sessions: I don’t characterize that as sexual assault. I think that’s a stretch. I don’t know what he meant --
TWS: So if you grab a woman by the genitals, that’s not sexual assault?
Sessions: I don’t know. It’s not clear that he -- how that would occur.
When Sen. Leahy asked if Sessions, as attorney general, would be able to prosecute, let's say, a federal official, like possibly a sitting president, for such an act of pussburgling, Sessions even said he could do that, too, if appropriate, though he did want to clarify that when he gave that interview to the Weekly Standard, he was a little unclear on the details, you see:
Sessions: The confusion about the question was a hypothetical question, and it related to what was said on the tape. I did not remember at the time whether this was suggested to be an unaccepted, unwanted -- that would certainly meet the definition, if that's what the tape said, then that would be --
Leahy: My question is very simple: Is grabbing a woman by her genitals without consent, is that sexual assault?
Leahy: Thank you.
Not that any such thing really happened vis a vis Donald Trump's small, Tic Tac scented hands and any hypothetical women's hypothetically unconsenting genitals, mind you, since it was all mere locker room talk, and well past the statute of limitations. But there's a clear warning to anyone in a future Trump administration: Pussburgling, if shown to be unwanted and subject to prosecution, will almost certainly not be tolerated. We feel ever so much better about this now.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.