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New York State Division of Criminal Justice via Reuters

Officials are reporting that Jeffrey Epstein, billionaire pedophile, committed suicide last night in his jail cell. Apparently, he was too much of a coward to go to trial for trafficking and abusing young women over a period of several decades, and decided it would be better to just get it over with now. So he hanged himself and his body was found in his cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center this morning. He tried before and failed, and this time he got it right.

The only unfortunate thing here is that he did not have to go to trial and did not have to actually face his victims or what he did. He took the easy way out. But no one will miss him, no one will mourn him, and the only thing his own lawyers could come up with to say about the whole thing was pretty much just "Nobody should die in jail."


Naturally, right-wing conspiracy theorists are already out there in full force with the ridiculous "Clinton Body Count" shit. It is currently trending on Twitter and they're all trying to claim that somehow, Bill Clinton or one of his minions snuck into Epstein's cell at in the middle of the night and murdered him.

This, by the way, would be a jail cell at the Metropolitan Correctional Center, a federal facility, operated by the Department of Justice. The Department of Justice that is part of the Trump administration. Guess Trump did not hire the best people for those jobs if they did not notice a hitman was in their midst.

Additionally, the files that might contain dirt on Bill Clinton — as well as Donald Trump and Prince Andrew — have already been unsealed. And him being dead would actually be worse for anyone he might have been tied to than if he had survived.

I mean, what? Did they think he was going to testify? He was not going to testify. There are also a few people on our side now trying to claim that maybe Trump did it, but I think we can all agree that he's probably not gong to get it together to stealth kill anyone. Let's not be them. Let them be them.

Anyway. Jeffrey Epstein is dead. He was a horrible person and a piece of shit and now he's dead.

Please note that our commenting rules still apply, even for terrible Dead Jeffrey Epstein.

[The New York Times]

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Robyn Pennacchia

Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse

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