Jenna & Henry Shocker: Rich Powerful White People Often Marry Each Other!
"The nation's first family tree is about to gain a new branch," the Washington Post reveals today. "The future in-laws, it turns out, are not unlike the Bushes."
Really?! That is news. While many Americans expected Jenna Bush to eventually shack up with a meth dealer in a Florida trailer park, it turns out her "background" and "pedigree" sort of determined long ago that she would marry another rich white douche from another rich and powerful family that makes billions of dollars on something that kills poor brown people -- in Jenna's case, that industry is oil and war, while in Henry Hager's case, that industry is tobacco.
What else do the cross-eyed lovebirds have in common?
* The Hager and Bush clans both go to fancy country clubs and rich people's cocktail parties all the time.
* Both clans have wacky eccentrics in their past, such as Hager's grandmother, who "rode sidesaddle on a white horse she called Lady Godiva," and Jenna's great-grandfather Prescott Bush, who funded the Nazis.
* Henry's dad John Hager is a powerful Republican and "knows where the money is." Jenna's dad is a Republican president and "knows where Geronimo's skull is."
* Henry proposed to Jenna with his great-grandmother's ring. Jenna's mom Laura once killed her boyfriend by smashing her car into his car at an intersection.
* A family friend of the Hagers is named Marie Louise "Pie" Friendly and another is named Beverley W. "Booty" Armstrong. We just wanted to mention that.
* When Henry's dad John Hager got polio, the tobacco company that had just promoted him to executive vice president rescinded the promotion. We just wanted to mention that, too.
* Henry's mom's dad, both siblings and a nephew all committed suicide. Jenna's dad committed national suicide.
* John Hager continues to claim cigarettes aren't addictive, while George W. Bush continues to claim Iraq had something to do with 9/11.
* Jenna has repeatedly said she has no interest in running for political office. Jenna has also said Henry has no interest in running for political office.
A Union of Families, Politics and Society [Washington Post]
Earlier: How Pregnant Is Jenna Bush?