Oh, your lawyer is Larry Klayman? Well, that explains how you wound up screwing yourself in spectacular fashion last night on live television. Ari Melber's ratings are forever in your debt, sir!

When last we left our birther freak show antihero, he was offering up evidence of a conspiracy to help Roger Stone lie to Congress. Stone is still doggedly insisting that Jerome Corsi's "research memo" prompted his August 2016 tweet that Clinton campaign manager John Podesta's "time in the barrel" was coming -- despite the fact that Corsi and Stone cooked that memo up after the fact when they realized they'd shit the bed by admitting they knew what Assange had. But it's okay, you guys, because lying to Congress is just politics. It's not a lie, it's REPOSITIONING.

I've been trained in public relations by Edward Bernays. British Petroleum becomes BP, and now they're Beyond Petroleum. Is that a lie? It's a repositioning. In politics there's a lot of repositioning that goes on. If that were a lie and people were guilty of a crime for doing that, there'd hardly be a politician alive today.

Corsi claims to have been granted immunity for admitting this lie to the grand jury. Would that be use immunity, meaning they can still convict him if they can prove his guilt with other evidence? Or transactional immunity, meaning he can never be charged for it? Only his lawyer knows! Did we mention his lawyer is Larry Freaking Klayman? LOL!

Anyway, Corsi only told the grand jury that he'd lied because those proles wouldn't understand his complex dialectical hierarchy of truth, politics, half-truths, and lead paint chips. They probably didn't go to Harvard like Jerome Corsi. Did Jerome Corsi mention that he went to Harvard? Only three times!

In front of the grand jury, they're not going to believe my longer explanation, okay, what I believe in my heart, okay? So, I said, "Fine, you want to call it a lie, call it a lie."

Corsi is also sticking to his story that he magically intuited the form, content, and timing of Assange's email dumps 10 weeks in advance. Because he's just GIFTED LIKE THAT. You'd understand if you'd gone to Harvard like Jerome Corsi.

They didn't believe it. Jeannie Rhee, one of the prosecutors, said, "Dr. Corsi, you are asking us to believe that on an extended international flight with your wife for an anniversary, you had divine intervention and God inspired your mind and told you Assange has Podesta's emails, he's going to dump them in October, and they're going to be dumped in a serial fashion. Is that what you're saying?" I said, "Well, I guess, Miss Rhee, that's about what I'm saying."

And then the prosecutors were so mean. They totally forgot he was a white dude from Harvard's class of 1972 and yelled at him like a common hooligan!

MELBER: Did they give you the impression that they were upset with you?

CORSI: Absolutely.

MELBER: Did they raise their voice?

CORSI: Yes. Stormed out of the room.

MELBER: Did they yell at you?

CORSI: Yes. Well, I mean ... yell. They don't have to raise their voice to yell.

Okay, so they didn't yell. But they refused to accept that baby Jesus whispered John Podesta's name into Jerry Corsi's white earhairs. And they didn't believe that he "forgot" about all his emails with Roger Stone about Julian Assange during the campaign.

Yes, okay, Corsi did systematically delete all those emails after crafting an elaborate back story to justify his prognostications about John Podesta. But that's just, like, a coincidence. And Jerome Corsi's honor forbids him to lie, darn it! Well, unless it's about Barack Obama's birthplace, sexual orientation, or religion, John Kerry's military service, Hillary Clinton's health, Benghazi, Uranium One, Robert Mueller's integrity, and .... look, the important thing is, a man's got to have a code.

Well, I felt that it required me to lie. And it required me to violate various regulations. And even, I thought, commit fraud. And I won't do that. I will not lie to keep myself out of jail. And I realize that I could go to jail for the rest of my life. I'm 72 years old, I might die in jail, but I'm still making this decision.

And he's not just saying this in anticipation of a presidential pardon from Donald Trump, with whom he has an "unwritten" joint defense agreement. Although if one happened to come his way ...

CORSI: I'm not counting on Donald Trump for anything, including a pardon.

MELBER: Why are you bringing up a pardon in an interview?

CORSI: Well, because that's what everybody ... you were talking about it before.

MELBER: I didn't ask you about the pardon. [...] Would you accept a pardon?

CORSI: No. Well, it's hypothetical.

MELBER: We just had a whole conversation. You brought up a hypothetical pardon.

CORSI: I'm going to give you a hypothetical answer. Let's let it be offered, and I'll tell you what I'll do at that time.

For those of you who didn't go to Harvard like Jerome Corsi, that was a yes.

Feel free to watch the whole video, but not if you have to drive in the next four hours, because vey iz mir!

Key Mueller Witness: I Lied And I'm Ready To Die In Jail | The Beat With Ari Melber | MSNBC

Meanwhile over at Hannity's House of Ill Repute, Roger Stone was decrying Mueller's Gestapo tactics. Imagine getting one witness to testify against another -- where will this madness end!

I think it's despicable that they've tried to pit Jerry Corsi and I, both strong supporters of the president, against each other when the bottom line is that neither one of us received anything whatsoever from Julian Assange or anyone else.

We're not watching the whole video, because GTFO. But here's a screenshot from Tucker's show, because hahahahaha!

Bob Mueller, at 74, is older than Corsi, Stone, Trump, Cohen and Papadopoulos. But sure, Bro!

And that's all the time we have for this gang of losers. But we'd like to remind Mr. Corsi that a conspiracy can be made up of a whole series of interlocking acts that, in and of themselves, are not illegal. Taken together, however, they may constitute a larger crime. You can ask Larry Klayman about it, although he'll probably just recommend you sue a black person. Good luck with that!

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Only for you, Wonkers, would we watch this idiot chucklehead! Throw us a bone, willya?

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Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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