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Jesse Jackson Jr. Was That 'Candidate #5' Who Had Sex With Kristen, In Washington

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Ha ha,sucks: "WASHINGTON — Federal authorities on Wednesday identified Democratic Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. of Illinois as the potential United States Senate candidate who was portrayed in court papers made public Tuesday as being the most deeply enmeshed in the alleged scheme by Gov. Rod Blagojevich to benefit from his appointment of a new senator to the seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama." Uh oh, Daddy Jackson will have to CUT HIS NUTZ OFF now.


Just kidding, Jesse Jackson Sr. probably forced his son to get involved in this particular corruption scheme in order to earn his November allowance. Remember when Sr. cried on Obama's election night, and you all cried because you saw Jesse Jackson Sr. crying about, uh, that black president that he never even liked? Exactly. What?:

Mr. Jackson said in an interview with ABC News that he did not know whether he was the anonymous Candidate 5 mentioned by federal prosecutors in the affidavit supporting their criminal complaint against Mr. Blagojevich. He said that the prosecutors in Chicago told him he was not a target of the criminal inquiry. But he said they had asked him to answer questions about the selection process by Mr. Blagojevich to fill the seat.

[...]

“It is impossible for someone on my behalf to have a conversation that would suggest any type of quid pro quo or any payments or offers,” Mr. Jackson said in comments broadcast by ABC News. “An impossibility to an absolute certainty.”

According to the English Language, not much breathing room stands between between "an impossibility" and "an absolute certainty." But in politics the impossible becomes possible and absolute certainties become $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ etc.

It's good to know that America's Illinois Politicians get along so well. You know, how Obama apparently dislikes his NATIONAL CAMPAIGN CO-CHAIRMAN, Jesse Jackson Jr., so much that Jr. was forced to offer Blaggy a million dollars to ward off Obama's influence. Or something. Rahm should just rat them all out, which he already did.

Officials Say Jackson Was 'Candidate 5' In Case [NYT]

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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