The news has a shocking report and it is that Vice President Mike Pence loves lying. We know, isn't that surprising, that such a strong conservative Christian man is a giant fucking liar?

The New York Times is reporting on a call with Pence and the nation's governors, where the veep told them to lie about why coronavirus numbers are spiking all over the place:

Vice President Mike Pence encouraged governors on Monday to adopt the administration's explanation that a rise in testing was a reason behind new coronavirus outbreaks, even though testing data has shown that such a claim is misleading.

"I would just encourage you all, as we talk about these things, to make sure and continue to explain to your citizens the magnitude of increase in testing," Mr. Pence said on a call with governors, audio of which was obtained by The New York Times. "And that in most of the cases where we are seeing some marginal rise in number, that's more a result of the extraordinary work you're doing."

Is that true, or is it a lie? It is a lie. But hell, they gotta make up something, we guess, since they ignored the incoming pandemic, never came up with a testing plan to begin with, pushed states to reopen far too early, and now all over the damn place — but especially in red states that followed the Trump administration's lead earliest and oftenest — COVID-19 is having a drunken bachelor party inside everybody's bodies.


You just gotta tell the people not to believe their lying, coughing lungs, and instead believe that corona numbers only look bad because the Trump administration is so brilliant, at testing!

Also, governors, please lie to the people about some other parts of this:

"But also encourage people with the news that we are safely reopening the country. That, as we speak today, because people are going back to hospitals and elective surgery and getting ordinary care, hospitalization rates may be going up. But according to our most current information, hospitalizations for coronavirus are going down across the country."

You see? Everybody's going back to the hospital for fun now, probably getting some 2-for-1 rhinoplasty specials, and that's adding to "hospitalization rates." (Guess all those elective surgery people also have COVID-19.) Anyway, THEIR DATA says hospitalization rates are going down, please stop asking questions.

You betcha.

Over here in the real world, it took us about a second of googling to find three news articles about record hospitalizations, for example in Texas, which reopened quickly, and is really creating a Texas-sized pandemic for itself. In Memphis, where we live, the health department decided not to proceed with Phase 3 of reopening on Monday, because the pandemic here seems insistent on staying in Phase "OH FUCK!"

Google your town! See if it squares with Mike Pence's "data."

On a more national level, you can see a bit how Pence is lying with statistics. The Times explains that overall there is a decrease in hospitalizations nationally, and overall cases are plateauing, but the story is a lot more complicated if you look closer:

[S]even-day averages in several states with coronavirus outbreaks have increased since May 31, and in at least 14 states, positive cases have outstripped the average number of tests that have been administered, according to an analysis of data collected by The New York Times.

In 22 of the 50 states, daily cases are going up. What you've got is certain areas where the pandemic is more-or-less under control, and then you have incredibly hot spots. We mentioned Texas, but Arizona and Florida are also going through the roof. Utah is an emerging situation. Tulsa, where Trump is throwing a Klan rally this weekend? Record daily cases. Pence said yesterday that Oklahoma has just really "in a real sense [...] flattened the curve," which is true except for the part about "in a real sense" and "flattened."

There are exceptions, but for the most part, the pandemic is going bugfuck in states with Republican governors who have been by Trump's side through this.

Donald Trump, for his part, still has no fucking clue how any of this works, saying for the 50th time again yesterday that we only have such a tremendous terrific pandemic in America because our testing is so good:


"If we stop testing right now," Mr. Trump said, "we'd have very few cases, if any."

No, stable genius, that's not it. If we stop testing right now, we'd still have gabillions of cases and all kinds of people would continue dying. They'd just be dying of "wink wink nudge nudge definitely not coronavirus!" but they'd still be fucking dead. Thanks for your leadership, shitbag.

The president is also whining about "Covid-shaming."

'Kay.

There are somewhere in the neighborhood of 2,160,000 confirmed coronavirus cases in the United States, and around 118,000 have died. There are lots of models predicting lots of different things, but they all seem to say we'll cross the 130,000 death threshold somewhere in the neighborhood of July 4.

But it'll probably just be because our testing is so great, or maybe Mike Pence will tell us all those people are lying about how they just died.

Hey, remember that time Pence said coronavirus would go away by Memorial Day weekend?

[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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