Steve King is in a political purgatory. He's isolated from his party, stripped of his committee assignments, and facing a primary challenge next year. This apparently makes him just like Jesus Christ, if the King of the Jews had a soft spot for Nazis.

King made this comical comparison during a town hall in Cherokee, Iowa. He's got nothing better to do, so he's holding white sales at every county in his district. A 90-year-old pastor named Pinky Person, who we think used to date the Fonz, asked King about all the "persecution" Christians are facing in the United States. King strapped on his crown of thorns and explained that he knows all about persecution.

KING: It's been, for all that I've been through, it seems even strange for me to say it, but I'm at a certain peace, and it's because of a lot of prayers for me.

Back in February, King asked his constituents to pray for the soul of his career, but he admitted to the town hall that their thoughts and prayers weren't worth a damn. This is probably because just wishing for something to happen won't make it so. And if God exists, She doesn't waste Her time responding to the cries of white supremacists. King weirdly performed his own Passion play, likening his slap-on-the-wrist rebuke from his own party to the public beat down Jesus received.

KING: And when I had to step down to the floor of the House of Representatives and look up at those 400-and-some accusers — you know, we've just passed through Easter and Christ's Passion — and I have a better insight into what He went through for us, partly because of that experience.

Is King implying he was a Nazi for our sins? Because Christ suffered and died so we'd have eternal salvation through rock operas, whereas King paid a (small) price for his long history of racist remarks.

All this faux-crucifixon he's suffered makes King appreciate representing a district that is predominately Christian and white. After all, Jesus was at least one of those things. King contends that Christianity "defines American culture." No one's dreaming of a white Ramadan. He boasted of once having schooled a radio host who dared suggest that nowhere in the Constitution does it state the US is a Christian nation.

KING: There's plenty in our history, plenty in our culture and plenty in the experiences and the lives of our Founding Fathers that says otherwise. This is a Christian nation, and I'll prove it to you.

You'd think his argument would involve writings from the founders or maybe some speech Ronald Reagan gave. Instead, King used a really bizarre metaphor involving canine homicide. If someone runs over their neighbor's dog, mortally wounding it, their "natural response" is to explain what happened to their neighbor, maybe complain about them letting the dog run around without a leash.

KING: That's called confession.

Yes, only Christians ever confess to wrongdoing. They are also notable for their lack of horns. King observed that your Christian dog killer of dubious driving skill would immediately apologize: "I didn't mean to, I'm sorry; I'm sorry I killed your dog."

KING: That's called repentance.

That's also where we call bullshit, because King himself refused to apologize for his racist remarks in the New York Times interview that got him into this mess. He also blamed the media for distorting his statements and running over his neighbor's dog.

But let's skip to the part of the suburban fable King likes the most: The neighbor forgives you for turning Fido into a grease spot.

KING: That's called redemption... If it were any other way, we wouldn't be the America we are, and probably wouldn't be an America at all.

King doesn't seem to extend the concept of "redemption" to any undocumented immigrants, regardless of circumstance. After Donald Trump torched DACA, King callously suggested that the people affected could either "live in the shadows" or get the hell out of the country.

KING: That's the law and if you're going to waive the application of the law, to groups of people, it is amnesty and amnesty in America, with regard to immigration, is a reward for immigration lawbreakers and is a pardon for immigration lawbreakers coupled with their reward of the objective of their crime.

But DREAMers didn't even run over America's dog. It was their parents. King's eloquent blasphemy at the town hall especially moved Pastor Person, who double downed on the Christ comparison.

PERSON: When [King] came home for Easter and he realized what has been done to him in the House of Representatives — what has unjustly been done to him — he had an inkling of what it was like to have everyone against you, like everyone turned against Jesus.

Jesus H.! That's the big downside of possible impeachment proceedings against Trump -- all the wackadoodles coming out and claiming their president's getting crucified by Speaker Pontius Pelosi. Person says in all seriousness that Trump is an "ally to Christians." In reality, Trump would probably taunt a fasting Jesus on Twitter: "So-called 'son of God' is starving. Loser won't take my advice and turn stones into bread. Sad!"


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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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