Jesus, Donald Trump, What The Fuck Is Wrong With You?

baby has a upset

Look, we know we're not supposed to reflexively pay attention to Donald Trump's tweets, even though his tweets ARE now to be considered official White House statements according to Sean Spicer, and even though we're pretty sure they're admissible in special counsel Robert Mueller's court of law. But what the FUCK prompted this particular little tantrum?

That's right, y'all. That's Donald Trump, the president of the United States, the guy who would be leader of the free world A) if the entire world wasn't laughing at him and calling him a pussy and B) if he hadn't lost that title to a girl, going full-ass HEATHER on Mika Brzezinski, because the pitiful orange fuckbaby is cornered and pant-shitting scared for some reason. So he gets on Twitter, prompted by (????), to literally accuse Mika of bleeding from her wherever at Mar-a-Lago over New Year's. UPDATE: It appears that THIS is what prompted it:

Because Trump's pajama boy minions are such cucks for his approval, here is Trump staffer Dan Scavino, piling on:

To answer Trump's very simple question about why Joe and Mika talk shit about him: While they might've used to been friends with Trump, Joe and Mika opened their eyes and realized what a useless, embarrassing person he is, and now they haaaaaaaaaaaaaate him. And they're not a fan of how the Trump White House is trying to remake America in its own autocratic, anti-American image. Moreover, THEY ARE JUST SAYING they've known Trump for years and they've noticed that his brain seems a little bit more ... ahem ... well ... let's just say it seems like if Donald Trump's brain was a gallon of milk, you'd throw it away because it's expired, it smells rancid, and it has those little chunks floating around in it.

Before Wonkette yells at Trump any more, we should note that Mika has already responded on Twitter:

Joe Scarborough, Mika's beloved, is responding in his own way, just retweeting things he finds interesting, you know, totally for unrelated reasons:

Indeed, it is beneath all our dignity, so we'll try to finish this post quickly.

We remember the weekend Trump is referring to fondly. Joe and Mika were spotted at the Trump New Year's party, and then when they got caught, Joe got all bitchy on Twitter for like two days defending his journalistic ethics, while Wonkette made jokes wondering how many rooms in Mar-a-Lago did Joe and Mika do New Year's Eve coitus in during their little trip. It was good times.

But this is seriously fucked up, and Donald Trump is a classless piece of shit. So what if Mika did get a face lift over the holidays? She's a 50-year-old woman who works in TV, and we have it on good authority that she's "like whoa beautiful" (direct quote) in person. If she decided to get a little nip/tuck over the holiday, far be it from us to have a problem with that. Also, far be it from Donald Trump, a man whose hair looks like a 4,000 pound ferret made wet number twos on his head, and who likely does that to his hair out of misguided, deep and abiding pain and insecurity related to his aging and, possibly, to his inability to get an erection. POSSIBLY ALLEGEDLY! You don't know.

And does Donald Trump really want to bring up plastic surgery? Because during the campaign, the Daily Beast reported on a 1993 book, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump, written by Harry Hurt III, that details a deposition in Trump's divorce from Ivana Trump that explains what allegedly happened when Donald Fucking Trump was allegedly recovering from a little plastic surgery of his own, an alleged procedure that obviously he should get a refund for, since he's still the motherfucking ugliest man on the planet (not allegedly):

After a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot, Donald Trump confronted his then-wife, who had previously used the same plastic surgeon.

“Your fucking doctor has ruined me!” Trump cried.

What followed was a “violent assault,” according to Lost Tycoon. Donald held back Ivana’s arms and began to pull out fistfuls of hair from her scalp, as if to mirror the pain he felt from his own operation. He tore off her clothes and unzipped his pants.

Ivana Trump alleged that Trump raped her, a charge he denied just as fervently as the accusation that he, Donald Trump, had gone under the knife in a futile attempt to make it look like God wasn't doing meth when He created Donald Trump.


It is beneath our dignity to continue writing this post, so THE END.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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