Jesus To Strike Washington With Tsunami, Today

'Whoever discovers the interpretation of these sayings will not taste death.' - WonketteEnough screwing around with holiday fun! Jesus is coming, and He's pissed. (For our British-raised readers, that means "pissed off" and not "drunk.") We just got this tip:

Tsunami Warning for *TODAY* 21/12/06. Press releases:
They concern an imminent tsunami warning for the East Coast due to happen *TODAY* 21st December 2006, the darkest day of the year.

Nice job denying Christ, sellouts! More doom after the jump.

So much to love about this warning, and the website from whence it came.

First, how awesome is it that anybody can put out an Official Press Release with worldwide distribution that actually shows up on Yahoo News and such? If you take the time and make the effort -- or not, really -- your batshit press release will reach editors everywhere! Just pick a topic. Is Moses a Snowman Cannibal who ate the Mt. Hood climbers? Sure, why not? Has a new study proven that the midwest doesn't exist and Mexico is filled with talking dinosaurs? Well, duh!

Secondly, the people behind this obviously crucial tsunami warning are a sort of gnostic offshoot school of Christianity that denies "St. Paul" (actually Saul, a Roman prosecutor of the True Christianity) as the anti-Christ (literally, "against Christ") who spoiled the True Message of God, who sought dualistic communion with humankind, or something. (Sorry. We're reading Philip K. Dick books again.)

Thirdly and Finally, there's actually a nice little lesson here for Christmas Warriors -- and the jingoistic fake populists on the teevee don't want you to know this! "Christmas" has fuckall to do with the Jesus Movement and everything to do with today, the darkest day of the year. Although that's not quite true this year, when Winter Solstice actually comes tomorrow morning, December 22.

It's the shortest day of the year, when the Northern Hemisphere is tilted as far away from the Sun as it gets (until the asteroid hits and plunges Earth into a weird new orbit and we all freeze/burn). Without a bunch of expensive equipment that didn't exist at the time, ancient humans thought the amount of daylight remained constant for the next three days. And then, suddenly, more daylight was perceptible. The Sun, which everybody worshiped because it was the main deal back then, as far as light and warmth, was back. Hooray! Everybody celebrated with heavy drinking, gift giving, sex with cousins, chaos, games, feasts and sex with slaves and/or animals. The tree that survived the cold and darkness without losing its greenery was worshiped by one and all.

(The basic son dies and is resurrected after three days is a regular feature of Near East and Mediterranean religions of the time, which is why whoever wrote the gospels upwards of a century after the alleged life of Jesus decided to borrow this time-tested plot line ... except for the original gospel, Mark, which just had the dead Jesus removed from the tomb and that was that, no resurrection, no nothing.)

The day the Invincible Son seemingly returned was the 24th or 25th. In a semi-successful attempt to co-opt the beloved winter festivities, the Roman Church came up with the utterly bogus idea that the Baby Jesus was born on the same day our real god, Sol Invictus, once again returned to kick the ass of darkness.

Luckily, there was no way to get rid of the beloved boozing, evergreen tree worship, yule logs and winter elves everybody enjoys so much.

Not that any of this matters, for you, because the Tsunami is coming. Happy Sol Invictus and Merry Saturnalia to all!

Celebrating The Birth of the Sun [Bible Light]


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