Jill Stein Under Investigation Now, Probably For Being Too Right

Oh no, there's a WiFi behind you, Jill Stein!

The Senate Intelligence Committee has a few questions for Green Party loser Jill Stein, and they are "How are you correct about everything so much every day?" and "How were you able to correctly assess that Hillary Clinton would have been a worse president than Donald Trump, which is just so obviously true based on everything that's happened in America since the inauguration?" They also might want to ask exactly how much WiFi exposure puts a human at risk of contracting vaccine-induced autism, because that is a question Doctor Stein knows the answer to, probably.

Oh, and Russia. They'd like to ask why Jill Stein, who met with Michael Flynn and Vladimir Putin IN RUSSIA during the campaign, who announced her "candidacy" to "become president" on Russian state-funded propaganda network RT, and who may have pulled almost precisely the number of liberal voters in the Rust Belt required to hand the slimmest of Electoral College victories to Donald Trump, a bunch of questions about Russia. "Are you aware you are literally a Russian intelligence asset, or are you still being a gargantuan dipshit about that?" We are just suggesting a question, to help the Senate Intelligence Committee!

When Buzzfeed asked GOP Senator Richard Burr, chair of the committee, why he was pickin' on poor Jill Stein, he responded, "Yes, Buzzfeed, there ARE stupid questions." Or something along those lines:

When asked Monday what the committee was looking for from the Stein campaign, North Carolina Sen. Richard Burr, the committee’s chairman, responded, "collusion with the Russians." Burr said that the committee is "just starting" its work investigating two campaigns, but did not elaborate.

Everybody involved in that very strange Moscow RT dinner in December 2015 insists it was nothing, and that they all sat and ate their peas and nobody talked to each other. It was probably a big set-up to get all of their names included in the Dodgy Dossier, because to be clear, PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY AT THE DINNER TABLE (including Stein!) plays a role in the Steele Dossier, which (REMINDER!) hasn't even been debunked a little bit. On top of Putin, Flynn and Stein, there was Sergei Ivanov (former chief-of-staff to Putin) and Dmitry Peskov (Putin's Sarah Huckabee Sanders/H.R. McMaster), but we bet they didn't talk to Jill Stein either because PEE YEW even a Russian spy can tell she is just Jill Stein. There also were a bunch of other Russians present, because, you know, "Russia."

Julian Assange, of the Russian intelligence front "WikiLeaks," was supposed to come, but he was in Ecuadorian embassy jail. :(

But like we said, nobody even socialized at that dinner, despite how they all speak perfect English, so it's doubtful Burr will find anything juicy in Jill Stein's documents. And as Stein tweeted earlier this year, EVEN MOTHER JONES ADMITS this Russia thing is a McCarthyist witch-hunt:

Of course, did Mother Jones actually "admit" that, or is Jill Stein being a total Jill Stein? Click on the MoJo link to see for yourself! (She is being a total Jill Stein.)

Glenn Greenwald, tell us why we are being unfair to your real mother Russia:

Oh now the people at the dinner were HUMAN RIGHTS ACTIVISTS. In Russia. The country that jails and kills political dissidents and murders gays and has never met a human rights violation that didn't give it a hard-on. (Here are some Russian Greens asking Jill Stein WHAT EVEN THE FUCK.) As usual, Glenn Greenwald is invited to fuck off at his earliest convenience.

OK, we're done talking about raving genius Jill Stein. May Richard Burr and his fellow investigators find what it is they are looking for!

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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