Jim Jordan To GOP: What If We Were Big Stupid Liars Like Trump? You Know, HYPOTHETICALLY

Ohio congressman Jim Jordan would very much like to become speaker of the House (not gonna happen), or even leader of the loser Republicans (not gonna happen), and he knows exactly how to make congressional Republicans popular with the American people again: Just be even bigger dicks and then everyone will elect them, once they're finally as bugfuck insane "intense" as President Grumpypouts. The former head of the House Freedom Caucus made his case on "Fox & Friends": Be like Trump, but turn it up to 15, because eleven is for pussies.

"Two years ago the American people elected President Trump to come to this town to shake it up and he's done just that. But I don't think they've seen this same intensity from House Republicans," he said in an interview on Fox News' "Fox & Friends."

Jordan cited conservative priorities like repealing the Affordable Care Act,building Trump's long-promised wall along the southern border and overhauling welfare programs as areas where Republicans came up short, despite control of both houses of Congress and the White House. Those failures, he said were the reason for Republicans' trouncing on Election Day, when they lost at least 34 seats.

You bet! If only Republicans had achieved their dream of eliminating healthcare for millions, undoing protections for patients with preexisting conditions, building a purely symbolic wall, and throwing all the grannies off all the cliffs, they'd be sitting pretty now. It only makes sense! Jordan went on to say the slim margins of victory in many races just proved how Republicans woulda won, if only they'd clutched the rightwing magic feather tighter and believed:

"I think that was the biggest problem we had, because we lost so many races by the slimmest of margins," he said. "If we get the things done that we told them we were going to do, I think we win many of those races and we would have stayed in the majority."

Or maybe the races would have been even bigger blowouts for Democrats if so many districts weren't already gerrymandered to help Republicans. Lord knows the polling that shows hardline rightwing positions are unpopular with most people is all fake anyway, so the smart thing for Republicans would be to triple down and trust in Jesus to send them voters.

Also worth noting: In Politico's pieces on Jordan's bid to become minority leader (aw nuts, lost to Kevin McCarthy in whatever the opposite of an "upset" is!) there is literally no mention of the accusations that Jordan overlooked sexual abuse in the Ohio State wrestling program. So either Republicans just weren't bringing that into the consideration of him, or they were carefully refusing to say it's a factor.

Burt if Republicans are going to try to equal Trump if they hope to take back the House someday, what would that look like? A lot of their political ads have been over the top to start with, so what further madness could they ramp up? A few possibilities, and don't you dare call 'em "suggestions":

Put everyone on welfare to work building Trump's border wall. Trump people have already embraced the bullshit claim that eliminating illegal immigration would pay for the border wall by reducing welfare to immigrants (who mostly don't qualify anyway). So why not start taking policy ideas directly from the comments at Breitbart? (No, we mean more than now.) And as one rejected Trump nominee suggested, maybe take away the right to vote from anyone on government assistance, which of course does not include mortgage deductions or oil subsidies. If anyone doesn't want to work (sub-minimum wage, provide your own meals, housing, and transportation to the border region) on the wall, we could always take their kids away. Once the wall is built, poors will be used to guard the border as lookouts. They could have a whistle to alert the Border Patrol!

Reinstitute family separation, only not just for undocumented immigrants. We had to take children away from people who crossed the border, because that is a crime. A misdemeanor for a first offense, but we have to enforce the law or we'd have no country. Accordingly, ALL misdemeanors will result in people's kids being taken away, and then we'll lose the paperwork so they may or may not eventually be reunited. This policy would be enforced in any state with too many Democrats, to teach them about personal responsibility. Exceptions would be built in for job creators.

Completely repeal Obamacare, only don't stop there. In the name of "balancing the budget" and "fiscal conservatism," demand full restitution for all premium subsidies from anyone who bought insurance under the program, and all services received by those who qualified for Medicaid expansion. Half of recovered funds -- if any -- would go to pay down the deficit, and the other half would go to "crisis pregnancy centers" to tell ladies they shouldn't abort babies and also call them sluts, and the other half would pay for a tax cut for job creators. Those who can't reimburse the government for the money they stole will be indentured for stand on border duty, but will have to buy their own whistle.

Let insurers exclude/charge more for pre-existing conditions, and just to make sure they still turn a profit, allow the sale of policies that would exclude coverage for pre-existing conditions that might occur, too. These pre-pree-xisting conditions clauses could allow insurers to not cover anything at all, and just think how low premiums would be then.

Ban abortion and the minimum wage, ideally for the same people. Every fetus will be issued an AR-15. Doctors who performed abortions will be required to make restitution by bringing the babies back to life -- put Ben Carson in charge of that, he's pretty smart. Workers who threaten to strike will be sent to build the wall, or build it higher once the first 2000 miles are completed. Unions can still operate but will have to begin each meeting with a prayer, which will make them disband. Ha! Ha!

Electoral Reform. To finally end voter fraud, the Republican Party will decide how each election should turn out and just appoint people to every office. For that matter, just appoint Jared to do everything. Just think of all the money we'd save!

Education Reform. Funding for public schools would be shunted off to private and church schools that openly teach creationism, and ... hold on a minute, we're already doing that. OK, fine, public funds will be used to harass professors who laugh at Jeff Fartenberry.

Shut Down The Government. No, that's all. Nothing more. Why would there be more?

Combat Global Warming by recalibrating all the thermometers to read 20 degrees cooler. Fill them with coal, not mercury. Problem solved.

Let a rightwing crazypants like Liz Cheney run GOP communications, LOL just kidding they actually just did THAT too.

Once Republicans take back the House -- and they will, you'll just have to deal with it -- they'll continue to win public support by answering all the pollsters' questions themselves and feeding the results directly for Fox News?

Also you'll just love their constitutional amendment banning stairs.

And raindrops.

This is going to be just Gilead great!

[Politico / Vox / Politico / Vox]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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