Joe Biden Gives Dandelion To His Wife Because He’s Some Kind Of Monster
On Thursday, Joe Biden was walking to Marine One with his wife, Dr. Jill Biden. The current president, who possess human emotions, bent down, plucked a dandelion from the grass, and tenderly presented it to the first lady before they boarded the helicopter. It was a sweet moment between two people who can still stand the sight of each other. Even if you don't like Biden, because you're a Republican who prefers seditious commanders in chief, you should consider the romantic scene good news because it demonstrates that the 78-year-old president can successfully bend over and recognize Dr. Biden as his wife. (You don't just hand dandelions to anyone.)
But no! Rightwing media needs to keep the outrage engine churning, so they hopped on this. It's the best they can do, apparently, because Biden's not sporting enough to wear a tan suit or slather foreign mustard on his hamburgers. So much for unity!
"I say it was a planted dandelion there. Who knows" https://t.co/0y7aWqUlAS— Jason Campbell (@Jason Campbell)1619790837.0
Newsmax host Grant Stinchfield, whose declared mission is revealing “liberal lunacy and the ills of socialism," attacked Biden for his spontaneous ecological assault.
STINCHFIELD: OK, folks, I want you to take a look a this. Joe Biden today getting on Marine One and he stops and picks up ... I think it's a dandelion, but it's a dandelion that hasn't even blossomed into a flower yet.
I'll let him finish, but I should point out that this wasn't dandelion abortion. The plant had reached its seed head stage and its glory days as a flower were now the stuff of a Bruce Springsteen song.
STINCHFIELD: It gives everybody asthma.
Dandelions can trigger seasonal allergies, but they don't literally make people asthmatic. Biden probably wouldn't expose Dr. Biden to something that would make her break out in hives. That was the upside of the one-term loser not inviting Biden to the White House.
STINCHFIELD: So, you blow it. It goes everywhere and everyone starts sneezing.
Sweet Christ. This asshole sounds like Anakin Skywalker, who thought complaining about sand was somehow romantic.
Stinchfield's anger escalates during his 30-second diatribe. It's unclear whether he hates dandelions or wants to protect them from monsters who'd cut their lives short like they were a common African elephant. What's obvious is that he really doesn't like Joe Biden.
STINCHFIELD: Well, he picks up the weed and gives it to Jill like what I guess is supposed to be some kind of a sweet gesture. He's getting dandelions all over the place.
Remember when the not-quite first lady, Melanie, introduced the one-term loser at a 2017 US Air Force event, and he shook her hand like he'd just met the woman? He mumbled a curt “thank you" and told her to "go and sit down now." She wasn't allowed to share the stage.
The US First Lady introduces her husband on stage at an event at Joint Base Andrews. He thanks her with a handshake. https://t.co/fPQNoMpnWa— Caitriona Perry (@Caitriona Perry)1505507533.0
But sure, the guy who picks dandelions for his wife has a problem.
Stinchfield ends his gripping exposé with this weird line: "I say it was a planted dandelion there. Who knows"
Huh? No one plants dandelions because no one wants them around. They just show up. It's like Ted Cruz at any Senate gathering.
We kid, but Newsmax's target audience is people who can see an old guy dote on his charming wife and still hate him because he's a Democrat who likes gay people. Stinchfield's tirade is probably effective, just not with anyone you'd want to spend time around.
Now, go pick some flowers for your sweetie! (I'll just send mine chocolate.)
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."