Donate

John Boehner Is Afraid of Your Spanakopita Platter

News

Congressionalpuppy lover John Boehner says the U.S. is becoming just like Greece -- not because of all the recently abandoned big-box stores and malls lying along the nation's highways, or the prevalence of feta cheese at America's all-you-can-eat food-trough restaurants, but because of debt. It's becoming bigger than the Olympics and Poseidon and other famous Greek things, combined.


"Unless we change course, our debt is on track to reach levels we're seeing in Greece, which is already receiving an international bailout," Boehner said at his weekly press conference.

"Quite frankly, it's just scaring the hell out of" the American people, he added.

Is "the hell" scared out of you? Well, consider this: Accepting hand-outs from other countries would make America less like Zeus, the god who ruled over everything, and more like Hephaestus, the dumpy god of working-class lunch meat eaters, who was lame in every sense. We can't rule and be lame at the same time --something's got to give.

When Bush was in the White House, he declared a new war everyday and Boehner loved it, because war scares everyone into submission (rules). But now we're just bailing out and caring for everybody, and that is so feminine (lame).

Because of dumbness, Boehner's overlooking that becoming more Greek could help solve some of America's most pressing social and cultural problems. More olive-eating would cure disease, eliminating the need for ObamaCare. Political discourse in ancient Greece wasn't dominated by raging pundits with stupid hate shows on teevee, and we could benefit from having fewer stupid hate shows. Also in ancient times, Greek men could love each other without shame. A similar policy would help Boehner's fellow Republicans. The gay Republicans could get married at "big fat Greek weddings," and John Boehner could cry at them.

In the Greek America of the future, the nation will be broke. But everyone wins something, even John Boehner and his unemployed dog. Why can't that be enough?

[The Hill]

$
Donate with CC
Giphy

FINALLY. Of course, we say "finally," because we haven't been behind the scenes in the House Judiciary and Intelligence committees to witness the negotiating and wrangling firsthand, so we don't know what it's taken to make this happen, but clear your calendars for July 17, because Bobby Mueller is goin' to Congress!

Committee chairs Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler sent the letter late yesterday, accompanied by a subpoena, for Mueller to testify at 9 a.m. Eastern on July 17, which is a Wednesday, so you will presumably not be busy with brunch. The hearings for each committee will be back to back, after which members of Mueller's staff will meet with committee staff behind closed doors.

Schiff told Rachel Maddow last night that it should not be viewed as a friendly subpoena, because as we all know, Mueller has been very reluctant to become the star of the political circus this will surely create. However, he's gonna have to suck it up, because as we all saw after what happened when Mueller addressed the nation for 10 whole minutes, there is great value in actually having Mueller breathe life into his own work, for an American audience that hasn't read his 448-page report. (And we don't blame them/you! We probably wouldn't have read it all if it wasn't our job. It would probably be on our "list," like "someday I am going to watch 'The Sopranos' start to finish finally. And then I will read the Mueller Report!")

Point is, it needs to happen on live TV, where people can gather around at work and on the train and in the Fantastic Sams while they gets their hair did, and let this highly respected public servant tell the story of how America's most hostile enemy attacked the 2016 election in order to help Donald Trump, how the Trump campaign was positively orgasmic over that reacharound, and how Trump criminally obstructed the investigation into that hostile foreign attack at every turn.

And because Robert Mueller is a patriotic American who respects the rule of law and our institutions, he will be complying with the subpoena, because of fucking course he will.

Right off the bat, we have a couple of questions:

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Beds at the 'temporary' shelter in Homestead, Florida. US HHS photo.

The House of Representatives passed a $4.5 billion emergency bill to fund detention of undocumented immigrants and asylum seekers yesterday, but the bill's demands that government meet minimal standards of humane treatment led Donald Trump to threaten a veto, because no one puts cruelty in a corner. The bill passed largely along party lines, 230-195, with four progressive Democratic first-term representatives opposing it because they believed the machinery of the New Cruelty shouldn't get a single dollar more. Trump prefers a bill already passed by the Senate, which would provide a similar level of funding $4.6 billion), but lacks the House bill's crazy radical requirements that migrants be held in less horrifying conditions than have been reported in the last week.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc