Why Would John Bolton Listen To Khashoggi Murder Tape? He Doesn't Even Bone Saw In Arabic!

John Bolton, the Secretary Of Mustachio-ed Torture Porn national security advisor, addressed the Sarah Huckabee Sanders lie festival today, and he had thoughts on the murder of Washington Post journalist and American resident Jamal Khashoggi. They were not good thoughts.

For instance, has he listened to the tape? Nah. And why? Because he doesn't even understand Arabic bone-sawing!

BOLTON: What do you think I'll learn from it.

REPORTER: You're the national security advisor.

OMG she said that to his face.

BOLTON: How many in this room speak Arabic?

REPORTER: You don't have access to an interpreter?

BOLTON: You want me to listen to it? What am I gonna learn from, I mean if they were speaking Korean, I wouldn't be able to learn any more from it either.

John Bolton's point is that this is America and if he has to press "1" for BONE SAW, then he's simply not DTF. Or maybe Melania fired all the translators from the NSC for insubordination and turned them into blood-red Christmas trees, and that's why John Bolton can't get the BONE SAWING translated from Arabic to English. Fuck if we know.

Bolton said that Donald Trump has "spoken very clearly" as to their position on the light BONE SAWING of an American resident, ordered by the rogue crown prince of a shithole kingdom, who really really really likes to have sleepovers with the crown prince of America (Jared). To be clear, what Trump has said is that the CIA isn't even sure who ordered the BONE SAW (wrong), but long hair don't care, because the Saudis keep our oil prices low (wrong). Anyway, it's cool, because maybe the Trump administration will trade a legal resident of America, Turkish dissident cleric Fetullah Gülen, back to Turkey to let Turkey murder him, to stop Turkey from ruining Trump and the Saudis' coverup of the murder of a different legal resident of America, which was ordered by the Saudi crown prince. (This is all normal, you guys. Stop looking at us like that.)

Bolton was asked why the White House is reportedly keeping CIA Director Gina Haspel from testifying for the Senate on the Khashoggi murder, considering how she's been to Turkey about this, she's actually heard the tape, she's seen all the intel, and quite frankly, she is the expert on all of this. (You just know she speaks fluent Arabic Bone Saw.) Bolton said those reports are obvious fake news, so remember that when Gina Haspel doesn't testify for the Senate later this week.

So that is how John Bolton is burying Khashoggi's murder today.

But it wasn't the only evasion on the issue during today's press briefing. Here is White House chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow, asked to comment on his own statement that the United States is becoming the "global dominant energy player," and how to square that with Trump's lies about how we gotta let bone saws be bone saws so the Saudis won't make it too 'spensive to gas up our Subarus. Larry Kudlow does not want to talk about it.

Then that same journalist tried to get Bolton to answer the very same question, but he was able to escape because Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Father Secretary of Lies, very kindly stepped in to take over the lie-telling:

You want to know what happened next? Sanders lied.

We'll say this for Sarah Huckabee Sanders -- she's always on brand. (Lying is her brand.)

To be clear, the CIA is real damn sure what happened here -- it has "high confidence," in intelli-speak -- and it is that Mohammad bin Salman, through his underlings and in such a way as to keep his hands "clean," ordered the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. David Ignatius further reports in the Washington Post (in a must-read article on the recent history of bloody feuds in the House of Saud that'll really make you wonder about Jared Kushner's choice of boyfriends) that those who have seen the intelligence confirm that MBS literally sent the team that murdered Khashoggi. Not only that, but Ignatius also reports that this is merely the latest in an 18-month campaign of "kidnappings of dissidents abroad and at home." In other words, this didn't happen in a vacuum.

The point is that everybody fucking knows what happened here, and everybody knows the Trump administration is full of shit. Hell, even Senate Republicans know it, or at least some of 'em do. Senator Mike Lee of Utah is calling bullshit. Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa isn't about to let Trump put a bread bag over her head and tell her it's raining, because come on, bread bags go on feet!

Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee said, "I never thought I'd see the day a White House would moonlight as a public relations firm for the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia," and you guys, even Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham, the two worst non-Ted Cruz people in the entire Senate, are not buying Trump's bullshit. Graham called MBS "toxic" on Twitter, and we don't think he meant like the Britney Spears song, just kidding he obviously meant it just like that.

Point is, this shit is wearing thin. This is the stupidest cover-up since the cover-up where Trump pretends like Russia didn't steal an election for him.

Will Bone Saw Week ever end? We'd say yes, but that would be a lie because the answer is obviously NO.

Have an open thread. Try not to BONE SAW anybody in the comments.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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