John Bolton, the Secretary Of Mustachio-ed Torture Porn national security advisor, addressed the Sarah Huckabee Sanders lie festival today, and he had thoughts on the murder of Washington Post journalist and American resident Jamal Khashoggi. They were not good thoughts.

For instance, has he listened to the tape? Nah. And why? Because he doesn't even understand Arabic bone-sawing!

BOLTON: What do you think I'll learn from it.

REPORTER: You're the national security advisor.

OMG she said that to his face.

BOLTON: How many in this room speak Arabic?

REPORTER: You don't have access to an interpreter?

BOLTON: You want me to listen to it? What am I gonna learn from, I mean if they were speaking Korean, I wouldn't be able to learn any more from it either.

John Bolton's point is that this is America and if he has to press "1" for BONE SAW, then he's simply not DTF. Or maybe Melania fired all the translators from the NSC for insubordination and turned them into blood-red Christmas trees, and that's why John Bolton can't get the BONE SAWING translated from Arabic to English. Fuck if we know.

Bolton said that Donald Trump has "spoken very clearly" as to their position on the light BONE SAWING of an American resident, ordered by the rogue crown prince of a shithole kingdom, who really really really likes to have sleepovers with the crown prince of America (Jared). To be clear, what Trump has said is that the CIA isn't even sure who ordered the BONE SAW (wrong), but long hair don't care, because the Saudis keep our oil prices low (wrong). Anyway, it's cool, because maybe the Trump administration will trade a legal resident of America, Turkish dissident cleric Fetullah Gülen, back to Turkey to let Turkey murder him, to stop Turkey from ruining Trump and the Saudis' coverup of the murder of a different legal resident of America, which was ordered by the Saudi crown prince. (This is all normal, you guys. Stop looking at us like that.)

Bolton was asked why the White House is reportedly keeping CIA Director Gina Haspel from testifying for the Senate on the Khashoggi murder, considering how she's been to Turkey about this, she's actually heard the tape, she's seen all the intel, and quite frankly, she is the expert on all of this. (You just know she speaks fluent Arabic Bone Saw.) Bolton said those reports are obvious fake news, so remember that when Gina Haspel doesn't testify for the Senate later this week.

So that is how John Bolton is burying Khashoggi's murder today.

But it wasn't the only evasion on the issue during today's press briefing. Here is White House chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow, asked to comment on his own statement that the United States is becoming the "global dominant energy player," and how to square that with Trump's lies about how we gotta let bone saws be bone saws so the Saudis won't make it too 'spensive to gas up our Subarus. Larry Kudlow does not want to talk about it.

Then that same journalist tried to get Bolton to answer the very same question, but he was able to escape because Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Father Secretary of Lies, very kindly stepped in to take over the lie-telling:

You want to know what happened next? Sanders lied.

We'll say this for Sarah Huckabee Sanders -- she's always on brand. (Lying is her brand.)

To be clear, the CIA is real damn sure what happened here -- it has "high confidence," in intelli-speak -- and it is that Mohammad bin Salman, through his underlings and in such a way as to keep his hands "clean," ordered the murder of Jamal Khashoggi. David Ignatius further reports in the Washington Post (in a must-read article on the recent history of bloody feuds in the House of Saud that'll really make you wonder about Jared Kushner's choice of boyfriends) that those who have seen the intelligence confirm that MBS literally sent the team that murdered Khashoggi. Not only that, but Ignatius also reports that this is merely the latest in an 18-month campaign of "kidnappings of dissidents abroad and at home." In other words, this didn't happen in a vacuum.

The point is that everybody fucking knows what happened here, and everybody knows the Trump administration is full of shit. Hell, even Senate Republicans know it, or at least some of 'em do. Senator Mike Lee of Utah is calling bullshit. Senator Joni Ernst of Iowa isn't about to let Trump put a bread bag over her head and tell her it's raining, because come on, bread bags go on feet!

Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee said, "I never thought I'd see the day a White House would moonlight as a public relations firm for the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia," and you guys, even Rand Paul and Lindsey Graham, the two worst non-Ted Cruz people in the entire Senate, are not buying Trump's bullshit. Graham called MBS "toxic" on Twitter, and we don't think he meant like the Britney Spears song, just kidding he obviously meant it just like that.

Point is, this shit is wearing thin. This is the stupidest cover-up since the cover-up where Trump pretends like Russia didn't steal an election for him.

Will Bone Saw Week ever end? We'd say yes, but that would be a lie because the answer is obviously NO.

Have an open thread. Try not to BONE SAW anybody in the comments.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Donate with CC

Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.

Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc