John Bolton, You Are BYE FELICIA BYE!
Well, well, well, John Bolton! Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!
Is it Infrastructure Week? It must be Infrastructure Week. Yesterday, Donald Trump tweeted to bitch about all the FAKE NEWS about his failed photo op with the Taliban, and he presidentially proclaimed that there was no discord in his national security team, none at all.
...the look of turmoil in the White House, of which there is none. I view much of the media as simply an arm of the… https://t.co/tuL8I308LX— Donald J. Trump (@Donald J. Trump) 1568051385.0
A lot can change in 24 hours, we guess!
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
Here it is!
Y'all, dude is literally texting every reporter he knows to say "CAN'T FIRE ME IF I ALREADY RESIGNED!" He textedWashington Post reporter Robert Costa. He texted Brian Kilmeade live on Fox News:
BOLTON IS TEXTING FOX HOSTS WHO ARE ON AIR TO DISPUTE TRUMP'S ACCOUNT OF HIS FIRING Kilmeade: "John Bolton just te… https://t.co/EIxv9GJt2J— Lis Power (@Lis Power) 1568132405.0
And MAYBE he's calling Fox reporter John Roberts on the air and saying "DON'T TELL ANYBODY I TOLD YOU THIS BUT":
John Roberts was doing a live report and ended it to pick up his phone ... When he came back on air he said it was… https://t.co/tsVRvcjiWh— Lis Power (@Lis Power) 1568134768.0
So who do we believe? Let's see, bloodlusty ogre person or pathological liar? It is a conundrum! Just kidding, we believe John Bolton for one simple reason, which is that Trump is too chickenshit to fire anybody to their face when it's not pre-scripted for reality TV.
Bolton said more words to Robert Costa:
"I will have my say in due course. But I have given you the facts on the resignation. My sole concern is U.S. national security."
Uh huh, we bet.
It seems the White House had zero fucking clue this was afoot, as it announced literally an hour before Trump's tweet that Bolton, Mike Pompeo, and the Munch were going to do a briefing this afternoon. (Pompeo and Munch are doing that briefing RIGHT NOW. Pompeo seems so happy.) Bolton was leading White House meetings this morning. Trump's well-oiled ship of state strikes (iceberg) again!
Trump has reportedly been real darn frustrated with John Bolton, who's been walking around with a "Bomb Iran" erection for years now. Trump talks tough, but he doesn't really want war with Iran. He wants a photo op with Iran, just like he wanted a photo op with the Taliban, just like he has been doing photo ops (and not fuckall else) with Kim Jong Un. He wants these photo ops because he thinks they will earn him a Nobel Peace Prize like Barack Obama has. (If you think there is deeper foreign policy thinking in Trump's brain than this, please by all means enlighten us, so we may mock you.)
And of course, Bolton has reportedly been none too pleased with Trump's willingness to invite the Taliban to Camp David so he could "Art of the Deal" with the Taliban and suck up to the Taliban and ask the Taliban for selfies so he can get a Nobel Prize. According to CNN's Kaitlan Collins, Bolton and Trump had a big argument about that last night, which clearly led to this. Differences over Taliban policy and Iran policy and everything else policy has also put Bolton at loggerheads with Mike Pompeo, who wants whatever Trump wants, because something something heat-seeking missile, something something Trump's ass. They hateeach other.
The Washington Postreports on more points of contention:
Bolton recently said he did not want to appear on television to defend some of the administration's positions, particularly on Afghanistan and Russia, according to administration officials, who requested anonymity to discuss private conversations.
Bolton did not like the Trump's repeated meetings with Kim Jong Un, administration officials said, and he had argued against directly meeting with Iranian officials. He also did not like the president's repeated insistence that Russia rejoin the Group of Seven nations.
What a healthy Team Of Rivals they had going on there!
Let us be clear on one thing. John Bolton is a fucking monster warmonger who will literally spill American blood for breakfast, just because it satiates his lust for things like that. And yet -- SOMEHOW! -- we are confident that whomever Trump picks as his replacement will be worse, so much worse, or at least equally bad, but in a new and charming way. (The acting national security advisor, by the way, is Charlie Kupperman. Hello, Charlie! Have a GOOD WEEK.)
The top contenders in our mind are:
1. Devin Nunes
2. Betsy DeVos's Aryan Shitmonster Sadist Brother Erik Prince
3. Sebastian Gorka
4. The My Pillow Guy
5. Tom Cotton
6. Tucker Carlson. What? Trump took Tucker Carlson to North Korea instead of taking HIS NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR.
6. Mike Pompeo, who is already secretary of State and basically also the director of national intelligence and the secretary of Defense. Why not give him more jobs? His heat-seeking missile for Trump's ass would clearly say yes.
So, how many national security advisors is this for Trump? That would be THREE. Trump's first, Michael Flynn, appeared in court today and got scheduled for sentencing for December 18, for lying to the FBI about his interactions with the Russian ambassador, and just for in general being a literal actual foreign agent. His second, H.R. McMaster, is off jerking off on the beach somewhere, we don't know where he is. And now Bolton! RIP Bolton! Long live Bolton's elegant mustache!
The countdown to John Bolton calling Trump a "pussy ass bitch" on Twitter starts five minutes ago. For some reason we don't think he's going to wear a cone of shame while observing a cone of silence out of respect for the president, like some fucking people.
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