John-Boy Is All Growed-Up (UPDATED with Video!)

Just a little piousNo longer the milquetoast second banana to John "Lurch" Kerry, John Edwards came in a really close second (possibly third, but he's saying second) in Iowa and got all kinds of fired up about it. Despite being outspent 6 to 1 in Iowa, he gave a strangely rallying and simultaneously incredibly depressing speech about the two Americas without saying "the two Americas," thankfully, which we'll recap for you after the jump.

So, John and Elizabeth entered to U2's "Pride (In the Name of Love)" and she introduced him in 15 seconds or less. Like every other candidate besides Hillary, he talked about how the vote tonight was a repudiation of the status quo and said the rest of the race is about "who is best suited to bring about" the change people want, i.e., it's between him and Obama and may the prettiest win! Other talking points in the not-completely-depressing part of his speech included: the middle class; people without voices (not that they're mute); corporate greed; the homeless; and how the amount of money spent in Iowa didn't matter.

After he got that out of the way, he asked everyone to recall Natalie, that girl in California who was denied a liver transplant by her health insurance company until she was basically already dead; James Lowe, the guy from Virginia who couldn't get his "simple" cleft palate repair done for 50 years because he lacked health insurance (note to Edwards: one Wonketteer knows it's not "simple" because she had that selfsame surgery, so don't minimize it, please, kthnxbi); and Doug Bishop who got laid off from Maytag in Iowa when they transferred the jobs abroad. Way to be a downer, John-Boy! He then mentioned that the key to fixing all this is backbone, by which he meant cojones, and then he got all, like, impassioned and I now swear he might actually have a pair.

By the way, he's planning to make sure that "the promise of America" is available to our collective kids (unless we don't breed, presumably). Also, Exxon and health insurance companies make a bunch of money but there are lots of poor and homeless people, including mothers with kids and vets, but he's gonna change that so vote for him when he gets to your state.

Also, seriously? When John got all fired up, I was kinda like, rowr!


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc