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On Monday, Sen. Rand Paul marched his pissy little contrarian ass up to the White House to demand Donald Trump revoke former CIA director John Brennan's security clearance. He had reasons, of course -- completely made-up ones! Paul alleged that Brennan is making millions of dollars off divulging our nation's classified secrets, and as evidence of that, he claimed that OH NO! MY NEIGHBOR IS GONNA BEAT ME UP WITH MY OWN LAWN MOWER AGAIN! Wait, what were we talking about?

Of course, Brennan is doing no such thing. These little piss babies are just mad because Brennan (along with pretty much every other former US official living and dead) thinks the Trump administration is a horrifying, incompetent shitshow, and Brennan goes on TV to say so. BURN HIM FOR A WITCH!


During Sarah Huckabee Sanders's daily Lie Therapy session on Monday, she got a question that sure looked like a set-up, about Rand Paul's meeting with Trump. Not only did she have some prepared lies about John Brennan, she also had a list handy of five other former officials whose security clearances Trump is supposedly looking into revoking. The names on that list were James Comey, James Clapper, Michael Hayden, Susan Rice and Andrew McCabe, because the White House is allegedly also very mad about them making money by saying mean words about President Perfection, and maybe they are leaking our deepest darkest secrets too! (Pause to giggle about this particular White House being mad about somebody using his or her position to grift.)

Anyway, this is horseshit. It's also a complete distraction and they're probably not gonna do jackshit, just like they backed off and decided not to do jackshit last week after they threatened to deliver former ambassador to Russia Michael McFaul unto Vladimir Putin, for the crime of making Putin's nipples itch. But sure, whatever! Mission accomplished, we guess, because lots of news people are talking about this, which means they have less time to talk about all the other bad headlines about Donald Trump, up to and especially including his treason summit with Vladimir Putin, who is the boss of him.

Aside from how Huckabee Sanders was so completely ready with her very rehearsed answer, we can also see what a bullshit "HEY LOOK! SQUIRREL!" proposal this is by going behind the Trump administration and checking their work.

Gonna take Jim Comey's clearance? Welllllllllllll, funny story. He doesn't have one.

Gonna take Andrew McCabe's clearance? Welllllllllllllll, another funny story, but he also lost his when he was fired:

Gonna take Michael Hayden's security clearance? Welllllllll, he still has one, but it's not like he even gives a care:

In other words, former NSA and CIA director Michael Hayden invites Donald Trump to eat his cock three meals a day and also for an afternoon snack.

James Clapper has been on TV talking about how appalling it is that the Trump administration would even mention this, noting that it would be "very, very petty," and that it's entirely un-American. Because, to be clear, this is a Trump enemies list, and the fact that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is going out there like some tiny-dicked dictator's spokesperson is just yet another example of Trump pissing all over American democracy like a common Russian pee hooker who's been hired to make a kompromat video on Trump, allegedly.

Of course, if Trump did revoke these patriots' security clearances, it would simply be a continuance of what's looking more and more like the Trump Doctrine, which is basically Trump shooting his own dick off and swearing he found a Vienna Sausage on the ground. There's a reason former officials like Clapper have clearances. For example, let's say (TRY TO IMAGINE IF YOU CAN) the Trump administration completely bones a goat in negotiations with North Korea or Iran. Oh no, they are in a pickle now! It's a shame there are no experts around, people who have dealt with Iran or North Korea in the past, to lend a hand! Oh wait, what about James Clapper? He knows stuff because he worked in past administrations! LET'S ASK HIM TO HELP, and hooray, he has a security clearance, so we don't have to deal with that whole rigamarole!

And yes, we know Trump thinks he knows everything and would never ask for help. He's a stupid man who doesn't know what he doesn't know. But his secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, counseled with Hillary Clinton as he was about to be confirmed for his job, even though Pompeo was one of the chief inquisitors on Trey Gowdy's Benghazi committee. Guess he thought she might have some expertise to share with him as a former secretary of State.

Hell, Michael McFaul is going to the White House TODAY to meet with Fiona Hill, Trump's top Russia adviser, who is a total Russia hawk. We don't know what they're planning to talk about, but in a normal world, Hill might ask him some questions, considering his experience with Russia. Or maybe they're just going to roll their eyes at each other about Trump's dumbass threats on McFaul, which he used to distract from how he and Putin probably spent their entire private meeting in a heart-shaped hot tub.

ANYWAY, our point is that the White House is full of shit again, and sadly, they aren't even good at being full of shit.

If the Trump administration actually were to follow through on this, then sure, hit the streets, but unless that happens, let's stay focused on all the shitty headlines Trump doesn't want us talking about.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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