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Sen. John Cornyn All Aquiver About Patton Oswalt's Dirty, Pretty Mouth

Elections

We swear that John Cornyn is an honest-to-goodness US senator. Yet this is what the Texas Republican (or at least his campaign team) is tweeting while serious people are discussing impeaching the president.

Team Cornyn's tweet quickly found itself a resident of Ratio-ville, where the presiding mayor is Howard Schultz. But why did this crack team of political savants scour Twitter for old-ass tweets from one of the new Mads on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Is Patton Oswalt running for Senate? He's certainly more fit for office than Donald Trump. No, apparently, the comedian is just a supporter of a Senate candidate. Democrat MJ Hegar just launched her campaign today to unseat Cornyn in 2020, and Team Cornyn's rapid response was to attack someone who once said nice things about her. Seriously, they have no other connection.


Republicans gave this bad-ass Air Force veteran, who received a goddamn Purple Heart for her service, the childish nickname "Hollywood Hegar," because no one respects the military like the party of President Bone Spurs. The nickname sounds like she's a former pro wrestler who sparred with Nature Boy Ric Flair (that'd be awesome). We guess though she is "Hollywood Hegar" because celebrities like her, which is bad, except when it is "Hollywood Reagan" or "Hollywood Trump" who are good. Hegar is even brazen enough to highlight her celebrity support in her fun new ad. We officially love her because she describes Cornyn as "that tall guy lurching behind Mitch McConnell in basically every single video." Because we are also childish, we will now start calling Cornyn "Lurch," which is admittedly "Addams Family" libel.

Hegar narrowly lost her 2018 House race against Republican John Carter. She's now pulling a Beto and taking a shot at an even higher office. Last June, she released the campaign ad "Doors," which went viral and gained the attention of Lin-Manuel Miranda, George Takei, Oswalt, and other celebrities. Why were these "coastal elites" so amped? Did Hegar wipe her ass with the flag while performing a late-term abortion? No, the ad just detailed the story of an incredibly brave woman who was shot down over Afghanistan while rescuing soldiers in active battle. This is why it's not worth messing with Republicans. They resent liberals so much that even their embrace of all-American, "Yo Joe!" heroics is seen as a negative.

"Doors" was more like an awesome short film than a simple campaign ad. Oswalt praised both "Doors" and Hegar on Twitter. This apparently warranted publicly tarring Oswalt like James Gunn, except Oswalt's tweets aren't even slightly offensive. They just use foul language. Cornyn should try logging on to Wonkette!

Cornyn also pointed out that Hegar receives out-of-state donations. Uhh, so does Susan Collins, but that's different somehow. Hegar's donors include "Hollywood liberals" like Rosie O'Donnell. Exit to Eden was objectively awful, but Republicans talk about O'Donnell like she literally lopped off someone's head. She's not ISIS, she's just some liberal lady supporting an American war hero.

Republicans are inconsistent when it comes to free speech or just consistently hypocritical. They rallied behind child rape apologist and racist phlegm Tucker Carlson after Media Matters dug up his repulsive former comments. Cornyn called Don Willett a "star" of the Texas judicial system and Willett's Twitter feed would've embarrassed Archie Bunker.

Twitter

Then there's this guy, who we think Cornyn knows professionally.

Check the date. This was on Good Friday. If the president can say "bullshit" on a not-so-good day for Jesus, a moderately famous private citizen can kinda but not really say "fuck." Case closed. Republicans have no moral claim to offense so long as they defend the pussy grabber in chief.

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Now go break open your swear jars and donate to Hegar's campaign. Help her send Cornyn to the Old Political Hacks Home.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle.

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