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RUH ROH! Trump's lead lawyer in the Mueller investigation, John Dowd, just quit-fired himself this morning! You won't have old Purple Comic Sans to kick around any more.

The White House broadcast the move in signature style by repeatedly denying that it was going to happen.

Sure we may have made fun of John Dowd once or twice. But we'll always cherish those memories.

Like the time he and Ty Cobb decided to discuss their whole legal strategy in a popular DC restaurant, oblivious of the New York Times reporter at the next table.

Or the time he emailed all his contacts to say that Robert E. Lee was basically George Washington, since they both owned slaves. Unimpeachable logic!

And just this past weekend Dowd tapped out an email in his favorite Purple Comic Sans font telling The Daily Beast that he was speaking for the president when he said he hoped that the illegitimate Mueller investigation was about to end already.

I pray that Acting Attorney General Rosenstein will follow the brilliant and courageous example of the FBI Office of Professional Responsibility and Attorney General Jeff Sessions and bring an end to alleged Russia Collusion investigation manufactured by McCabe’s boss James Comey based upon a fraudulent and corrupt Dossier.

Only to frantically scramble moments later to "clarify" that he was speaking for himself and NOT the president. As one does.

This morning Dowd embraced his inner fangirl in an email to the Post saying, "I love the President and wish him well."

Oh, John Dowd, you old nutter! We really are sorry to see you go. Because there's nutbags, and there's NUTBAGS. And without Dowd in the White House, you're about to see some crazy nutbag legal shit go down. The president's new head Russia lawyer Joe diGenova, better known on these pages as "The My Pillow Guy," is batshit fucking crazy. No reputable attorney would agree to represent the president, so he's putting all his chips down on that loon who goes on television in a bolo tie and arglebargles about the Deep State conspiracy to murder Trump's presidency.

This is bad enough when you're Trump's "lawyer" like Jay Sekulow, whose main job seems to be going on television and shouting "DEEP STATE" and "WHAT ABOUT HILLARY?" But now Trump is actually going to put an as seen on teevee lunatic in charge of his legal defense. DiGenova and his wife Victoria Toensing have spent the past 20 years flogging wingnut lawsuits against the Clintons. They're still right this very minute trying to get traction on that bullshit Uranium One story.

Whatever wheels there were on the Trump legal team, they done come all the way off this morning! What we're saying here is, TRUMP IS ABOUT TO FIRE ROBERT MUELLER! He's been throwing up trial balloons all week, and Congress hasn't done anything to stop it.

The last adult in the room is Ty Cobb, and he's not going to be able to restrain Trump once that howler monkey diGenova starts riling him up. We're not saying it's time to panic. But maybe ... prepare to be ready to panic?


And then make lots of friends at this weekend's March for Our Lives. Chances are, you'll be seeing them again soon!

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[NYT / WaPo / The Daily Beast]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

Keep reading... Show less
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