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RUH ROH! Trump's lead lawyer in the Mueller investigation, John Dowd, just quit-fired himself this morning! You won't have old Purple Comic Sans to kick around any more.


The White House broadcast the move in signature style by repeatedly denying that it was going to happen.

Sure we may have made fun of John Dowd once or twice. But we'll always cherish those memories.

Like the time he and Ty Cobb decided to discuss their whole legal strategy in a popular DC restaurant, oblivious of the New York Times reporter at the next table.

Or the time he emailed all his contacts to say that Robert E. Lee was basically George Washington, since they both owned slaves. Unimpeachable logic!

And just this past weekend Dowd tapped out an email in his favorite Purple Comic Sans font telling The Daily Beast that he was speaking for the president when he said he hoped that the illegitimate Mueller investigation was about to end already.

I pray that Acting Attorney General Rosenstein will follow the brilliant and courageous example of the FBI Office of Professional Responsibility and Attorney General Jeff Sessions and bring an end to alleged Russia Collusion investigation manufactured by McCabe’s boss James Comey based upon a fraudulent and corrupt Dossier.

Only to frantically scramble moments later to "clarify" that he was speaking for himself and NOT the president. As one does.

This morning Dowd embraced his inner fangirl in an email to the Post saying, "I love the President and wish him well."

Oh, John Dowd, you old nutter! We really are sorry to see you go. Because there's nutbags, and there's NUTBAGS. And without Dowd in the White House, you're about to see some crazy nutbag legal shit go down. The president's new head Russia lawyer Joe diGenova, better known on these pages as "The My Pillow Guy," is batshit fucking crazy. No reputable attorney would agree to represent the president, so he's putting all his chips down on that loon who goes on television in a bolo tie and arglebargles about the Deep State conspiracy to murder Trump's presidency.

This is bad enough when you're Trump's "lawyer" like Jay Sekulow, whose main job seems to be going on television and shouting "DEEP STATE" and "WHAT ABOUT HILLARY?" But now Trump is actually going to put an as seen on teevee lunatic in charge of his legal defense. DiGenova and his wife Victoria Toensing have spent the past 20 years flogging wingnut lawsuits against the Clintons. They're still right this very minute trying to get traction on that bullshit Uranium One story.

Whatever wheels there were on the Trump legal team, they done come all the way off this morning! What we're saying here is, TRUMP IS ABOUT TO FIRE ROBERT MUELLER! He's been throwing up trial balloons all week, and Congress hasn't done anything to stop it.

The last adult in the room is Ty Cobb, and he's not going to be able to restrain Trump once that howler monkey diGenova starts riling him up. We're not saying it's time to panic. But maybe ... prepare to be ready to panic?

DO THIS.

And then make lots of friends at this weekend's March for Our Lives. Chances are, you'll be seeing them again soon!

Follow Yr FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund us! We cover this crazy shit all day long for ya!

[NYT / WaPo / The Daily Beast]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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One of the most common things to say in America, just behind "Happy Birthday" and "NO COLLUSION," is "Mitch McConnell should go fuck himself." It works for all occasions, whether you have just stubbed your toe or whether you are in the middle of your wedding to your sweetheart. Try it!

But why should Mitch McConnell go fuck himself at this particular moment? Let's look at the top three current reasons!

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Sucks to be you, Pat Shanahan! The acting Defense secretary is currently under investigation for preferential treatment of his former bosses at Boeing, who just got busted letting planes fall out of the sky if buyers skimped on the upgrades. Shanahan was never a favorite of Trump's, and now his chances of getting made Big Boy For Real Sec Def are decreasing by the day. Which means that he's going through all this shit for nothing! Womp womp!

What shit, you ask? Well! Last night Shanahan announced the first tranche of the "found" money the DoD is shifting over to fund WALL in defiance of Congress's constitutional spending powers. The Defense Department will be transferring the cash from accounts meant to support military personnel into "anti-drug funding," which they've decided means they can use it to build "18-foot-high pedestrian fencing, constructing and improving roads, and installing lighting within the Yuma and El Paso Sectors of the border." Already pissed off about the fake EMERGY declaration, although not pissed enough to override a veto, congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are hopping mad that the Trump administration dicked them around for months, shut down the government, forced them to negotiate for wall funding in good faith, and then said HA HA SUCKERS, WE'RE JUST GOING TO STEAL IT FROM THE RAINY DAY FUND ANYWAY!

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