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Your white male Democrat of a certain age desperately wishes it was still the 1990s. Who knows why. "Will & Grace" is back on the air, so there's no real need to dwell in the past. Regardless, moderates insist that the problem with our fractious, dysfunctional politics is that we don't "work across the aisle" enough and put "people before party." This is naive gobbledy-gook, and the latest Democrat to spout it is John Hickenlooper.

The former Colorado governor launched his presidential campaign today and during an interview with George Stephanopoulos, he outlined his Mary Sunshine platform.

STEPHANOPOULOS: "You're elected president, you come in... Mitch McConnell is still the head of the Senate. [Republicans] still have the majority. What's the first thing you do with him?"

HICKENLOOPER: "I would go to Mitch McConnell, to his office, and I would sit down with him and say, 'Now, what is the issue again?' and we would talk...Sounds silly right? But this works."

He's right: This is silly. Lampshading the silliness doesn't make it any less goofy. There's also literally zero evidence that this works. Hickenlooper sounds like the Vulcan elder in an old "Star Trek" who thought he could negotiate with some of the worst villains in history. He goes off alone and unarmed to meet with them for some "bipartisanship" in space. Later, all we hear is his anguished screams.


Back in 2008, Barack Obama was the "hope and change" candidate who was supposedly going to "fix" Washington. He was a post-partisan president who'd work across the aisle. Republicans simultaneously laughed and spat in his face. They strategized literally on the night he was inaugurated on how best to obstruct him at every turn. Mitch McConnell himself declared the GOP's top priority was to make Obama a "one-term" president.

See, if you run on a positive, "Get Along Gang" platform, it's very easy for your political opponents to deny you any measurable success. They just have to refuse to work with you and later, morons in the media will gleefully point out that you failed to "end the partisan divide." We're not suggesting that anyone follow the political example of Donald Trump, but it's worth pointing out that his entire campaign was about making liberals miserable and he has delivered in abundance. No matter how many of his personal lawyers or campaign managers are indicted, Trump can still keep his bigoted supporters happy with a healthy dose of liberal tears.

McConnell is a crawling piece of slime whom history will show single-handedly broke democracy. There's as much sense in boasting of your supposed ability to work with this sentient toe jam as there is in suggesting Mike Pence is a "decent guy." Has Hickenlooper been in a coma for the past decade? If so, let's take him on quick trip though McConnell's "greatest hits" of evil: He stole a Supreme Court seat. He refused to make a joint statement with Obama about Russian interference in the 2016 election. After abusing the filibuster while in the minority to block an unprecedented number of Obama's judicial nominees, he nuked it outright so he could narrowly confirm Neil Gorsuch to the aforementioned stolen seat. What are the supposed magic words that would've convinced McConnell to not do those things? We're pretty sure Obama said "please." Maybe Hickenlooper's secret bipartisan deal-making strategy is to just remind Republicans that he's white.

Sure, McConnell might write bogus op-eds calling for "bipartisanship," but Republicans define "bipartisanship" as Democrats bending over and smiling while the courts are packed with right-wing extremists and tax cuts are passed for the wealthiest Americans. They'd love for Democrats to help pass their evil agenda. They'd pat their useless moderate president on the head while still demonizing them as a godless radical communist at the latest CPAC.

Anyone who's paid any attention to the events of the past decade knows we don't need any "feel-good" moderates. We need Democrats with brains enough to recognize that Republicans, especially McConnell, are just gangsters.

[CNN / Twitter]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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