Republican Congressman Mad At Fraudulent Nut Milk

This is John Joyce, a Republican congressman from Pennsylvania. We assume he represents a district where there are some dairy farmers, or maybe a district full of towns where only cows live. We could look it up, but towns full of cows feels right.

A cow mayor. Cow police chief. Cow drag queens. Cow pastors.

How else to explain this rant he did on the House floor where he huffed and puffed at fraudulent nut milks pretending they come from real cows.

Rep. Joyce is just pretty sure the nut milks are deceivers of men.

Children need whole milk for healthy bones and muscles, he says. Students deserve better than "fraudulent" nut milks, he says. "We cannot allow almonds or soy to be passed off as dairy to American families," he says.

We did not know the nut milks were being such flagrant fucking liars. We sort of figured the labels on the cartons on the milk that say "almond" or "soy" were dead giveaways.

Perhaps not for Republican congressmen.

Apparently this is a chicken he's always fucking. (BUT NOT A FAKE SYNTHETIC NUT-BASED CHICKEN.)

He thinks it's serious fraud to call anything that comes from a plant or a nut "milk."

John Joyce is a desperately stupid person.

In related news of Republican congressmen being very serious people, here is Debbie Lesko from Arizona on Fox News bragging about her awesome bill to protect gas stoves from the liberals. Anchor John Roberts mangles the Charlton Heston quote and says "You can have my gas stove when you pry it from my cold, dead hands." Debbie Lesko laughs genuinely, like a person who has just heard something very funny. She says she loves that famous saying about gas stoves, and maybe will put it on her bill. Then she says she is also going to save the washing machines as well.

Debbie Lesko is a desperately stupid person.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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