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The rumors WERE true after all! John Kelly will be getting "You're Fired" retiring at the end of the year. The news of Trump and Kelly's divorce comes after months of speculation that the two had suffered irreconcilable political differences. As with previous failed marriages of convenience, Trump will keep everything, including the White House, and leave his former partner with only a crushed soul, an non-disclosure agreement, and a lifetime of regrets.


The news broke during one of Trump's barely audible ramblings on the South Lawn of the White House as he was getting ready to board Marine One, otherwise known as daily White House press briefings.

Trump: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly leaving at end of the year www.youtube.com

Whispers of Kelly's departure have been echoing through the empty halls of Trump's White House since Kelly replaced Trump's previous babysitter, Reince Priebus. A former Marine general, Kelly was often chastised anonymously in the pro-Trump press for imposing a militaristic order in the Oval Office. The army of Wormtongues in Trump's West Wing could no longer storm the golden throne and pepper Trump's word salads with poison without knocking to make sure he wasn't dragging his ass all over the Resolute Desk. Kelly didn't exactly win himself any friends when he tried to keep terrible people (*cough* Jared *cough*) out of Trump's White House entirely by instituting new security policies and "You're Fired"-ing Hope Hicks' wife-beating fuck buddy, Rob Porter.

WaPo's Josh Dawsey notes that everyone laughed when Kelly said he was sticking around until 2020. Back in April, Kelly denied calling Trump an idiot due to his "questionable grasp" on boring policy issues (AKA: presidenting). The only real surprise is what the hell took so long for Kelly to be quit-fired. Over the last few months, Kelly had been falling out of favor with multiple members of Trump's staff and family, including Melon Trump and national security mustache, John Bolton. Last night, CNN reported Kelly had been talking to Robert Mueller, and that things between Trump and Kelly had gotten so bad that the two were giving each other the silent treatment. Kelly didn't even bother to show up to DC daycare yesterday!

The rumor mill on the Hill is that Trump will tap Nick Ayers to replace Kelly. Though he's currently chief of staff for Mike Pence, Ayers has been rubbing his browned nose in Trump's ass for months. According to Politico, Ayers knows Trump doesn't really have many options -- the "Help Wanted" signs at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. have been up for months -- so he's been inviting himself into closed-door policy meetings like Urkel at a Christmas party.

At only 36, Ayers has been making calculated moves to knife Kelly in the back at every opportunity, often with Jared and Ivanka's bloody gloves. A former henchman for Tim Pawlenty, it's believed that Ayers is enough of a swamp monster to help Trump and his TV lawyers fight the looming investigations from incoming House Democrats, the ever expanding Trump-Russia scandal, and any potential Republican primary opponent in 2020.

And now, your open thread!

[ WaPo / Buzzfeed / Politico]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Oh good, Jared Kushner decided to pick today to come out from the hidey hole where he back channels with Russians and the Saudi Murder Prince while lustily fingering the security clearance unlawfully procured for him by an unelected president.

That's just super.

It was at the Time 100 event, not because Jared was on the Time 100 this year, but we guess because he was on it in 2017. His profile back then was written by Henry Kissinger, who predicted he would be a "success." We guess this happened during a part of the event called "The Time 100's Biggest Bloopers, OMG" ... oh wait, hold on, Wonkette has just been informed that Time was being serious when it invited Jared.

Our bad.

Say something stupid in reaction to the release of the Mueller Report, J-Kush:

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We swear that John Cornyn is an honest-to-goodness US senator. Yet this is what the Texas Republican (or at least his campaign team) is tweeting while serious people are discussing impeaching the president.

Team Cornyn's tweet quickly found itself a resident of Ratio-ville, where the presiding mayor is Howard Schultz. But why did this crack team of political savants scour Twitter for old-ass tweets from one of the new Mads on "Mystery Science Theater 3000"? Is Patton Oswalt running for Senate? He's certainly more fit for office than Donald Trump. No, apparently, the comedian is just a supporter of a Senate candidate. Democrat MJ Hegar just launched her campaign today to unseat Cornyn in 2020, and Team Cornyn's rapid response was to attack someone who once said nice things about her. Seriously, they have no other connection.

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