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The rumors WERE true after all! John Kelly will be getting "You're Fired" retiring at the end of the year. The news of Trump and Kelly's divorce comes after months of speculation that the two had suffered irreconcilable political differences. As with previous failed marriages of convenience, Trump will keep everything, including the White House, and leave his former partner with only a crushed soul, an non-disclosure agreement, and a lifetime of regrets.


The news broke during one of Trump's barely audible ramblings on the South Lawn of the White House as he was getting ready to board Marine One, otherwise known as daily White House press briefings.

Trump: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly leaving at end of the year www.youtube.com

Whispers of Kelly's departure have been echoing through the empty halls of Trump's White House since Kelly replaced Trump's previous babysitter, Reince Priebus. A former Marine general, Kelly was often chastised anonymously in the pro-Trump press for imposing a militaristic order in the Oval Office. The army of Wormtongues in Trump's West Wing could no longer storm the golden throne and pepper Trump's word salads with poison without knocking to make sure he wasn't dragging his ass all over the Resolute Desk. Kelly didn't exactly win himself any friends when he tried to keep terrible people (*cough* Jared *cough*) out of Trump's White House entirely by instituting new security policies and "You're Fired"-ing Hope Hicks' wife-beating fuck buddy, Rob Porter.

WaPo's Josh Dawsey notes that everyone laughed when Kelly said he was sticking around until 2020. Back in April, Kelly denied calling Trump an idiot due to his "questionable grasp" on boring policy issues (AKA: presidenting). The only real surprise is what the hell took so long for Kelly to be quit-fired. Over the last few months, Kelly had been falling out of favor with multiple members of Trump's staff and family, including Melon Trump and national security mustache, John Bolton. Last night, CNN reported Kelly had been talking to Robert Mueller, and that things between Trump and Kelly had gotten so bad that the two were giving each other the silent treatment. Kelly didn't even bother to show up to DC daycare yesterday!

The rumor mill on the Hill is that Trump will tap Nick Ayers to replace Kelly. Though he's currently chief of staff for Mike Pence, Ayers has been rubbing his browned nose in Trump's ass for months. According to Politico, Ayers knows Trump doesn't really have many options -- the "Help Wanted" signs at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. have been up for months -- so he's been inviting himself into closed-door policy meetings like Urkel at a Christmas party.

At only 36, Ayers has been making calculated moves to knife Kelly in the back at every opportunity, often with Jared and Ivanka's bloody gloves. A former henchman for Tim Pawlenty, it's believed that Ayers is enough of a swamp monster to help Trump and his TV lawyers fight the looming investigations from incoming House Democrats, the ever expanding Trump-Russia scandal, and any potential Republican primary opponent in 2020.

And now, your open thread!

[ WaPo / Buzzfeed / Politico]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Photo by Wonkette Operative 'Teecha'

If it's Sunday, this must be Nice Things, our weekly escape from the quotidian awfulness. Our featured doggo this week comes via a photo by Wonkette reader "Teecha," and we don't think Teecha mentioned a name for this lovely old rescue dog. If it is a dog at all: I think it may actually be one of Sia's more inventive disguises, like that time she was a little pony.

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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