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Special Agent Double O-Negative


Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

NSA director and head of US Cyber Command Adm. Mike Rogers told the Senate Armed Services Committee that Russia is still screwing around in our computers because it has paid "little price" for all its fuckery. Rogers notes that the Trump administration is doing abso-fucking-lutely nothing to defend or counter Russia from attacking our country.

Intel officials found SEVEN STATES were penetrated by Russian fuckery before the 2016 election, including Alaska, Arizona, California, Florida, Illinois, Texas, and Wisconsin, and an additional 14 states were probed during the election.

Robert Mueller and his justice league of extraordinary investigators are asking a lot of questions about what the hell Trump was doing with Russians just before he ran for president, and he'd really like to know what happened one night in 2013 when Trump attended the Miss Universe pageant. PEE HOOKERS!

Jared Kushner lost his Top Secret/SCI-level security clearance yesterday. That means he's no longer allowed play with Trump and the big kids in the Oval Office when they talk about Not America.

A number of current and former US officials are saying the UAE, China, Israel and Mexico all privately discussed how they could fuck with Jared Kushner in order to get sweet deals and special treatment from Trump's White House. [Morning Maddow]

Hope Hicks dodged on Trump-Russia for hours in front of the House Intel Committee. Though she admitted to telling "white lies," Rep. Denny Heck told reporters, "We got Bannon-ed."

Both Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity issued "corrections" to their story that CNN fed kids "scripted" questions during the town hall with MSD shooting survivors.

Meanwhile, gun humpers on the pay-to-play NRA channel are calling the MSD high school shooting a Benghazi thing...because liberals, security threats, 9/11 and freedom.

During a presser, Jeff Sessions said that the DOJ inspector general will investigate how the FBI got all those FISA warrants to spy on the shitty Russian spies Trump and his conspiracy crazies keep defending. [Archive]

Trump announced his 2020 reelection campaign, and he named his pubic-bearded "alt-right" tech dingus, Brad Parscale, as his campaign director. HOWEVER, as with all people in Trump's circle, Parscale is also curiously involved with a sketchy penny-stock firm run by a man already convicted of fraud.

Trump's newly minted Fed chair, Jerome Powell, sent markets tumbling shortly after he was chewed up and shat out by Democrats on the House Financial Services Committee. Powell tried to ease fears with business jargon, but there's still a lot of skepticism that he knows what he's doing.

Four Commerce Department appointees were "You're Fired" after they couldn't pass a background check, including a senior advisor to Wilbur Ross. If you had Wilbur Ross in the Trump-Russia indictment pool, well, there's no indication these are actually related. But they feel GREAT.

Javanka's personal PR wizard/deputy communications director Josh Raffel has decided to fuck off back to New York for family reasons.

Ethics watchdogs are calling out FCC Commissioner Mike O'Reilly for violating federal laws after he told a CPAC panel that they should vote for Donald Trump. Unfortunately, since O'Reilly personally fluffed Trump's testicles, it's unlikely anything will happen.

Boeing has finalized an Air Force One deal with Trump's White House for $600 million after military officials scrapped an idea proposed by Trump to buy two Russian 747s.

Since too many olds seem incapable of moving their ass, teenagers are fighting the long, flabby arm of bureaucracy on their lunch breaks by pressuring lawmakers to enact climate change legislation.

Newly released emails show the lengths Illinois state health officials under Republican Gov. Bruce Rauner went to cover up an outbreak of Legionnaires Disease in veterans hospitals that left 11 people dead. The emails show officials planning political stunts and questioning the need for the National Guard to prevent the spread of the disease.

Kentucky's gay-hatin' county clerk Kim Davis has a new book that details her battle against the "furious, fist pounding homosexual men" who glided into her office on rainbows demanding to be gay married.

Arizona Republicans have nominated Debbie Lesko to replace disgraced former Rep. Trent Franks in the 8th District. I guess state Rep. Steve Montenegro and his wife-swap porn was too much of a liability?

Trump's Nixon-era hatchet man Roger Stone was bitching at Wikileaks in October of 2016 to stop being to damn mean to him in newly released Twitter DMs.

Senate Democrats are trying to reinstate net neutrality protections via the Congressional Review Act (CRA). Though the measure is likely to fail, it will force Congressional Republicans to come clean ahead of the 2018 midterms.

The Pentagon says it's definitely planning on switching all of its computers to Windows 10, even though there are still computers running Windows 3.1.

A man who fled war and human slavery in Sudan, immigrated to the US, went to college, and then became an Olympian, has enlisted in the US Air Force. People from "shithole" countries under Trump's Muslim immigration are human beings, you dumb fuck.

And here's your morning Nice Time!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Gavin McInnes, the super gross dude who co-founded Vice and later founded "The Proud Boys," a fraternal order of yahoo racists who can "name five brands of cereal" had some thoughts this week on the detention centers that children being torn from their parents' arms are being sent to.

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If you are ever in Lexington, Virginia and are looking for a nice, farm-to-table restaurant with a quality clientele, look no further than The Red Hen! Last night, Sarah Huckabee Sanders and her family went to go eat there, and found that she was not exactly not welcome.

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