JOHN McCAINcut himself ("down the highway" not "across the street") after NAVY lost to Ohio State, at American collegiate football. Hardly a surprise, considering those dapper Navy midshipmen can't even beat a bunch of dirty beatnik bookworms at croquet. Can you even begin to imagine how disastrous it would be if MIT challenged Navy to a game of MARIO KART? ...

American military base COLOMBIA wants American swamp WASHINGTON D.C. to feel the love. That's why FARC HILL INTERNS have scattered giant hearts made of Legos all over our glorious capital. Apparently Colombia is unaware that 99.999% of twenty dollar bills in circulation in the DC area are practically deep-fried in cocaine.We already love you Colombia! ...

Reigning hide-and-seek Champion of the World OSAMA BIN LADEN spends thousands of dollars every year purchasing WHITNEY HOUSTON libidinous infidel memorabilia on eBay. Seriously, Osama bin Laden is attracted to Whitney Houston, sexually. He even plotted to crash a plane into Whitney's ex-husband BOBBY BROWN! And he desperately wanted to see her perform during the 2004 SOUL DIVAS TOUR, but the closest concert from his cavernous lair in TORA BORA was in Auckland, New Zealand. Keep lusting, Osama.

Riley Waggaman's WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com