Later today sometime, Ba'ath Party Senator Josh Hawley will stand up, and like the smirking fistula of fascism he is, he will baselessly object to the electors in Pennsylvania, a state he does not represent, in order to mount a flaccid coup in service of Donald Trump.

But Monday night, Josh Hawley, fistula of fascism, was Josh Hawley, CRIME VICTIM. In fact, he was antifa's latest casualty, his name added to a long list of martyrs that also includes many people who definitely exist, we just don't know their names is all.

It was a crime that might remind you of that time Sarah Huckabee Sanders was at the chicken place and the chicken place said "give me back that chicken" and she died from her no-chicken injuries but don't worry she got better. It might remind you of that time Roger Stone got car accidented to death by the CIA but don't worry he got better. It will DEFINITELY remind you of that time antifa did a terrorist attack to Tucker Carlson's house and he died but don't worry he got better, because Tucker was lying about what actually happened.

Please allow Josh Hawley to bitch and moan at you about some stuff:

Please allow Josh Hawley to keep bitching:

Please allow Josh Hawley to pop a Viagra, ALLEGEDLY, so that he might appear more FORD TUFF while he whines some more, this time at the Washington Post.

Oh my God, whine more.

So is this true? Did "Antifa scumbags" come to Josh Hawley's DC house (it's in Vienna, Virginia) and yell malarkeys at his wife and hurt his neighbors to death and vandalize everything and then terrorize innocent children? Did they personally threaten his infant daughter, like "Hey, you BABY! We are the Antifa, and we are here to THREAT YOU"?

Because that would be rude and bad, if true! Wonkette would condemn the bejesus out of that!

Well, Josh Hawley probably doesn't know for sure if it really happened, since, again, he was in Missouri at the time. BUT STILL, HE IS UPSET.

Since Karen Hawley is so very mad with the Washington Post for calling bullshit on his white snowflake true crime experience that will surely be shown on "Dateline" one day, let's ask the Post what really happened:

On the sidewalk in a Northern Virginia suburb, a group of 15 people chanted while holding candles and signs reading, "Protect democracy." [...]

Demonstrators with ShutDownDC, which organized the protest, told The Washington Post that they did not engage in vandalism or even knock on Hawley's door. A 50-minute video shared by the group shows protesters writing in chalk on the sidewalk, chanting through a megaphone and at one point leaving a copy of the Constitution on Hawley's doorstep.

"This was not threatening behavior," said Patrick Young, a ShutDownDC organizer. "This is people engaging in democracy and engaging in civil discourse. … This was a pretty tame and peaceful visit to his house."

Surely the cops will back up Josh Hawley, though, yeah? Come on, this is the white-bread suburb of Vienna, Virginia, surely they would not take the side of the ...

Vienna police said they did not see anyone pounding on the Hawleys' or their neighbors' doors, did not hear any threats and did not see any vandalism other than chalk on the sidewalk. And as of Tuesday afternoon, they had not received a formal complaint from the Hawleys, Officer Juan Vasquez said.


"Officers are only allowed to put in the report what they see," Vasquez said. "We can't get warrants on something we didn't see. If someone wants to make a complaint, they're more than welcome to file a police report," which police would then investigate.

Bet he's getting right on that, unless he's not getting right on it because nothing actually happened and he knows it's a crime to file false police reports, but not a crime to whine on Twitter to your idiot Trump-supporting followers about imaginary crimes mostly imaginary groups like "antifa" did to you.

Vasquez said when police arrived at the protest, they spotted three potential violations and advised the protesters of them. "We like to give people one chance to address the violations before we move forward with summonses," Vasquez said. "They were advised of the violations, they understood, and they left within 10 minutes." There was no indication in the police report that officers spoke with Hawley's wife or any indication of who called police, Vasquez said.

The three violations? Well, the Post says that according to the state of Virginia, it's a misdemeanor to protest at somebody's house. Also they protesters did a "noise" and did a "litter." And then they left 10 minutes later, because the cops were like "Hey, no noisy protest litterbugging!" and the protesters were like "OK." (The Post notes that the litter was "later picked up.")

There is indeed a 50-minute video of the protest, which is much more "candlelight vigil for democracy" than it is TERROR ANTIFA OMG JOSH HAWLEY TIME TO PISS YOUR PANTS! Note that we are not saying we don't understand why it made Josh Hawley piss his pants. It made him do that because he is chickenshit.

In summary and in conclusion, Josh Hawley got noisy protest litterbugged to death for 10 minutes at his Virginia house while he was 1,000 miles away in Missouri but don't worry he got better.

And if you watch TV later, you can see him do his fascist clown show for Trump. Be sure to send him a thoughts and a prayers, as he will surely be limping from his injuries, if he remembers to limp.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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