Josh Hawley Is Preparing A Pamphlet About His Penis

If the thing you were most famous for before last week was being an effete little wine-store weenus who fist-bumped in the air in the general direction of a bunch of walking armpit hair farms who were about to mount a terrorist attack on America on January 6;

And if the thing you became more famous for last week was getting caught on candid camera running away like a fuckin' baby when those very same walking armpit hair farms threatened your own personal inner sanctum ...

Would this week be a good week to announce you were about to publish a book on How To Man?

1) Yes.

2) Not yes.

But that is what is happening.

Josh Hawley, Republican senator of Missouri, seditionist garbage and runner-up-that-hiller, is making a book.

It is called Manhood, which is, science fact, a colloquial term for "schlongpecker." The longer title for Josh Hawley's book about his manhood is Curing Erectile Dysfunction - How to Get Rock Hard Erections and Last Longer With Exercises, Diet & Natural Remedies, just kidding, WRONG BOOK TITLE, WONKETTE, it is What To Expect When You're Erecting, STOP IT, WONKETTE, JOSH HAWLEY IS A SERIOUS MAN, it is meh, you can look up the full title if you want.

As the Kansas City Star explains, Josh Hawley did a speech at some conservative conference about the liberals and their War On Man — it was a whole thing — and now he has turned it into Book.

A WHOLE THING! Josh Hawley Pretty Sure MAGA Bros Watch Porn All Day Because Liberals Hurt Their Fee-Fees

Hey, remember how much everybody in the January 6 hearing laughed when they saw Josh Hawley running?

Let's watch that video some more:

Remember that Twitter thread of Josh Hawley running away to every song about running ever written?

Remember how you've never looked at Josh Hawley as an example of a macho, macho man?

But, you know, this is a whole thing right now. Just about every night Tucker Carlson queens about sperm counts and testosterone levels and his movie had the testicle tanning and, you know, it's just a whole thing. Alex Jones is ... Alex Jones.

SPERM COUNTS! And Now For The Sperm Report, With Tucker Carlson!

TESTOSTERONE LEVELS! Tucker Says Low Testosterone Matters And Size Matters And Big Things Are Very Scary

TESTICLE TANNING! Alex Jones So Excited Tucker Shot Part Of His Little Weenus-Tanning Documentary On His Property

ALEX JONES! Alex Jones Trucker Speed Does A Body Good, If Your Body Likes EATING LEAD

The entire story of white supremacist Christian nationalist straight men right now — or at least those who say they're straight, some of these dudes could be closet cases — is that their masculinity is feeling very very threatened and they desperately need to assert themselves and show us all who's boss.

And it's so sad because nobody thinks of any of these guys as real, actual tough guys, at least not the kind who are self-assured and self-confident. They just look like their moms bought them Tough Guy costumes for Halloween.

Fuck, we are entirely forgetting to talk about Josh Hawley's pop-up book about his ding-a-ling:

The book appears to be a more in-depth version of the speech, in which Hawley will draw from Greek and Roman philosophers, Jesus and his political icon Teddy Roosevelt. He’ll focus on traits he defines as masculine — ”responsibility, bravery, fidelity and leadership.”

Sounds great, Josh.

Here is a cartoon sloth doing "wanking motion dot gif."


Anyway, the damn book comes out May 16, 2023.

Just a few weeks after Josh Hawley is a featured speaker at something called the Stronger Men Conference.

Where they have monster trucks!

And bull riding!

And Jesus!

And the FAQ on the website answers questions like "Can I bring my son?" (HIGHLY RECOMMENDED) and "Can I gather a group of men at my house to watch the conference with me?" (NO! NO YOU CAN'T! NO WATCHING THE MONSTER TRUCK JESUS CONFERENCE ALONE WITH A GROUP OF MEN! Just kidding yes you can.)

Let's meet some more of the men speaking at the man conference with Josh Hawley.

Y'all, this fuckin' gay man writer right here has got to shut this blog post down before we hurt ourselves laughing, THE END.

[Kansas City Star]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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