Why Is Joe Biden Persecuting Catholics, And Who The Hell Is 'White Martyr' Mark Houck? An Explainer!

We noted in an earlier post that during Attorney General Merrick Garland's hearing in the Senate Judiciary Committee yesterday, Republican Senator Josh Hawley was just having the worst kind of pissy little rage baby episodes. Any normal person could have been forgiven for having no fucking idea what he was babbling about the whole time. (Same goes for Ted Cruz and Tom Cotton and Marsha Blackburn and all the rest of the most excitable GOP senators, but for the sake of brevity, we'll just refer to them all as "Josh Hawley.")

What on earth was he talking about? Did he accuse Merrick Garland of discriminating against Catholics? What the hell was he talking about, Garland sending "long guns" to go after sweet Catholic families just resting in their beds with the baby Jesus like they do every morning? "You're happy to deploy them against Catholics and innocent children!" he screamed, about the long guns.

Hawley bitched and moaned about the nature of the arrest of a man named Mark Houck, painting a picture of a guy just quietly praying his rosary with his family one morning when he was suddenly brutalized by the FBI. In response, Garland repeated over and over again that the FBI "did not agree" with Hawley's description of what happened there. "The facts are not as you described." (It would appear that the version of events Hawley recounted about Houck's arrest are somewhat of a rightwing legend, and by legend we mean lie that's taken on a life of its own.)

Hawley was absolutely insistent that we all look at this picture of this innocent Catholic victim's family. Look at it! Look at it!

Hawley just really wanted to know, does this picture of a WHITE CHRISTIAN FAMILY look like criminals to you? You know, the same way we are all supposed to look at the footage of the January 6 terrorist attack on the Capitol and assume it was just a senior citizens "tourist visit," because they were all white. He's not showing that picture for the benefit of Merrick Garland. He's showing it for the white supremacists at home. Are THESE the criminals? Surely you do not think THESE are the criminals. He pointed at the picture and said "For these people?"

He needed you to keep looking at the white people. The white supremacist spell he was casting wouldn't work if you didn't stare at the white people long enough!

Hawley accused Garland of "terrorizing" this man and his family. He asked Garland how many spies he had in Catholic churches.

So who the hell is this guy Mark Houck and why do Republican senators all have such perky erections to turn him into a White Christian Martyr™?

Mark Houck can go fuck himself.

Mark Houck is a well-known anti-abortion clinic troll protester and forced birth activist. His website says he used to be a "full-time chastity educator." Not a part-timer! That was a 40-hour fuckin' job, dude. "Mark has written numerous articles, brochures and publications on the topics of pornography, homosexuality, abortion, teen sexuality, parenting and masculine spirituality." So clearly he is an absolute piece of shit.

But he wasn't indicted for being a piece of a shit or just a dork who used to work as a full-time No-Fucking Teacher. The Justice Department indicted him on FACE Act charges for twice assaulting a 72-year-old escort at a Planned Parenthood in Philadelphia. The indictment specifically stated that Houck "forcefully shoved" the escort "to the ground [...] causing injuries [...] that required medical attention." It was caught on tape. He never denied he did it. He whined that he did it because the mean clinic escort said hurtful cusses to him and to his 12-year-old son, who is forced to come along with daddy when daddy is harassing the abortion clinic.

And he was acquitted. Hawley and other senators are obsessed like kittens with head injuries chasing laser pointers with the fact that the jury acquitted Houck within an hour, but it is important to note that Houck was more than 100 feet away from the clinic entrance when he shoved the 72-year-old clinic escort. The FACE Act is the Freedom of Access to Clinic Entrances Act. For whatever reason, Houck got off, maybe just on that technicality.

But again, he's definitely a piece of shit. There is no question about that.

And since the arrest, and especially since the acquittal, Houck has become a stupid cause célèbre for religious-Right fascists, who want you to believe, as Hawley wants you to believe, that Christians are being persecuted in this country, that Houck was indicted for his forced-birth beliefs, that they're coming for you next (if you're a kindly white Christian conservative bigot who just wants the freedom to hurt LGBTQ+ people and women in peace).

Seditionist Republican Rep. Scott Perry brought Houck to the State of the Union. On an appearance on Steve Bannon's show, Houck called himself a martyr. Specifically he said, "I have stepped up to say yes to allow myself to suffer and to take on that white martyrdom, and I invite others to do the same." White martyrdom. (Listen to the clip for yourself and tell us if there is a more charitable transcription of what he said right there.)

And now they're really zeroing in on being melodramatic about however the piece of shit's arrest went down, because he is a whiny ass fucking baby victim and Josh Hawley is his knight in shining armor, giant wanking motion dot gif, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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