Judge Jeanine Will Wear Her Damn Mask, Now Let Her Out Of The House Already

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On her Saturday night rage fest, Jeanine Pirro denounced the “nanny state" that had confined Americans to their homes and celebrated the revolutionary spirit of morons who gathered to create COVID-19 hotspots.

PIRRO: You can't keep Americans down. Born of revolution, we are ready to fight! It's in our DNA. We're ready to fight the virus.

Unfortunately, we can't obliterate COVID-19 the all-American way with socially distant drones. We have to do more than wear a flag pin and stand for the National Anthem. We have to go a few weeks without a haircut. That's just asking too much. Social distancing is the most effective method of fighting the coronavirus, but conservatives don't want to win this war if it means imposing economic sanctions on the country like it's a common Cuba.


Pirro declared that Americans are "ready to fight" to return to work. COVID-19 would love people to start gathering again in large, infectious crowds, but unless you're in the undertaking business, that isn't good for longterm economic health.

PIRRO: We get it. We're not stupid!

But yet she's about to say something very stupid.

PIRRO: We know to wash our hands, wear a mask, and keep our distance.

Conservatives are obsessed with this fantasy that we can avoid an accelerating death toll if we just do a few simple things but otherwise go about our normal pre-pandemic lives. This is contrary to everything Dr. Anthony Fauci has said repeatedly, and he's not stupid professionally.

PIRRO: Now, we have been sheltered in place for WEEKS and we are not children.

No, but you're acting like a child. It's interesting to contrast this impatience with social distancing measures to how conservatives reacted when Barack Obama withdrew troops from Iraq after eight years. We can't give up! We must persevere! That's very easy to say when you're not personally inconvenienced. We could probably end our marathon of never-ending wars if we made starting them contingent upon Americans not leaving their houses for WEEKS.

PIRRO: We are capable of using our God-given common sense to protect ourselves and others.

Really? This is Florida after Jacksonville reopened its beaches for “essential activities," which include spreading the coronavirus.

One lady in the above clip said that living on the beach but not being able to walk on the beach for a whole month was “torture." Donald Trump will probably give her a Purple Heart.

Oh, and — LOL! — what passes for Florida's governor can't even put on a mask correctly.

Pirro cited “data" from a Wall Street Journal article that suggested “the coronavirus isn't as deadly as we thought." Almost 14,000 people have died in New York in just two months. That's hardly a walk in the parks we can't safely access. After 9/11, conservatives didn't argue that more people died from the flu the past year so let's just move on. Pirro said the Declaration of Independence "gives us the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness." It does not. Thomas Jefferson clearly stated that those rights are “self-evident" (unless you're one of his slaves). That's sort of the whole point. She's right that the Declaration of Independence doesn't grant governors the right to impose lockdowns, but that's because it's not a legal document but an assertion of principles. Governors do have emergency powers as defined by their state constitutions.

PIRRO: We get that ... hot spots are to be treated differently, but what about the rest of us?

Michigan is a hot spot, you moron, but you still ranted about Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's tyrannical lockdown policies. Pirro brought on Meshawn Maddock, a Michigan “activist" who was one of thousands of morons at the stealth Trump rally known as “Operation Gridlock." Pirro, who dragged Black Lives Matter for years, is now all about "peaceful protest." Maddock is a cofounder of “Women for Trump." Few people at these AstroTurf fests wore masks or kept their distance from others. They were in fact “stupid."

PIRRO: I'll wear my mask, my gloves. I'll keep my distance. And I'll do the testing to determine whether I have COVID or if I have the antibody, but don't you even think about tracing or tracking or giving me a card. It ain't happening!

Experts say contact tracking is necessary for America to reopen safely, but experts probably also agree that Pirro is a blithering idiot.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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