Judge Says Paul Manafort Is Total LIAR F*CKING LIAR, Hopes He Stubs His Toe In Jail

THAT IDIOT. That idiot who, just like all these fucking idiots, thinks he gets to lie to Robert Mueller and his investigators and get away with it, because they're all so fucking high on their misperceptions of their own brilliance that they think they;re all obviously too clever to get caught, and that Mueller couldn't possibly have the receipts. When will these morons ever learn that Mueller always has the receipts?

Judge Amy Berman Jackson made her ruling late Wednesday on whether or not Paul Manafort intentionally lied to investigators and the grand jury in the course of his cooperation agreement, and surprise, HE DID. Therefore the plea agreement is broken and Manafort will be sentenced in March, to anywhere from 24 to 30 years in prison. For a man who's turning 70 on April 1, that could very well mean 'TIL DEATH DO WE PART, and the wedding we're talking about the one between Manafort and the toilet in his prison cell.

Tell us what this means, Renato Mariotti!

There's some news that makes us smile, since Paul Manafort's misery is Wonkette's joy!

In practical terms, this means that since Manafort violated the plea agreement, then Mueller's office doesn't have to abide by it anymore, specifically the parts about how they were required to support a reduction in Manafort's sentence.

Let's take a look at exactly what Manafort lied about, per Berman Jackson's ruling. Mueller presented FIVE things that Manafort allegedly intentionally lied about. The court found in Mueller's favor on three of those things. Of course, Mueller only actually needed to prove one of them to show Manafort is a liarfuckingliar who fucking lies a lot:

Thing number one: Paul Manafort DEFINITELY intentionally lied about a payment from Firm A to "the law firm," which was "material to the investigation." Moving on!

Thing number two: Berman Jackson finds that the government did not prove for sure that Manafort meant to lie about his RUSSIAN SPY friend Konstantin Kiliminik's role in obstructing justice regarding Manafort's case. (That's the witness tampering thing. Just another example of Manafort being unable to keep himself from doing SO MANY CRIMES, even from jail!)

Thing número tres: LIARFUCKINGLIAR! This is perhaps the most important one for our purposes, because Berman Jackson says the Office of Special Counsel (OSC) proved that yes, Manafort intentionally lied his fucking ass off about his meetings and contacts with his RUSSIAN SPY FRIEND Konstantin Kiliminik, both during the campaign and after.

Remember how in the hearing on Friday, Mueller prosecutor Andrew Weissmann stated that questions about Manafort's meeting with Kilimnik on August 2, 2016, went to the very "heart" of what Mueller is investigating, which is ties and possible conspiracies between the Trump campaign and the Russian federation to bonesaw the election to benefit Trump and Putin? We've talked about that meeting this week.

Right in the middle of the campaign, just after the Republican and Democratic conventions, Paul Manafort and his pal Rick Gates took a break from whatever they were doing with the campaign to go to the Grand Havana Room cigar bar at 666 Fifth Avenue -- yup, the Kushners' old building! -- to see Manafort's business colleague Konstantin Kiliminik, who is known to have ties to Russian intelligence, AKA he is a fucking Russian spy. (LOL "allegedly"!) During that meeting Kilimnik gave Manafort secret messages from Manafort's former boss, the Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska, and Manafort allegedly passed internal Trump campaign polling/voter data, for Kilimnik to give to these two Ukrainian oligarchs. We don't know if that information made its way into the hands of the Russians fucking with our election, but we suspect it did, and will continue suspecting that until Robert Mueller tells us differently.

Oh yeah, and they reportedly talked about peace plans for Ukraine, and we must always remember that "peace plans for Ukraine" is code for lifting sanctions imposed on Russia for its illegal invasion of the Crimean peninsula. It's always the sanctions, stupid.

So yeah, Manafort lied about his contacts with Kilimnik -- which Weissmann said are at the "heart" of what Mueller is investigating -- and prosecutors proved it. NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION ... except yeah, we think there's a lot of fucking collusion (conspiracy), and that Mueller knows where it is.

As for Thing number four and Thing number five, Berman Jackson found that Manafort definitely intentionally lied about something regarding a different unnamed DOJ investigation, but that OSC prosecutors did not definitively prove he intentionally lied about his contacts with the Trump administration.

As we have said before, all of Manafort's lying must be in service of hiding something HUGE. (You know, like maybe a multinational conspiracy to steal an American election, one that he was at the center of. Or a LOT of unrewinded Blockbuster videos from back in the day!)

Fox News resident "Judge" Andrew Napolitano knows what this all means, and it is that because Manafort committed MOAR CRIMES and thus is now likely to be sentenced to live out the remainder of his life in federal prison, he might be more likely to get a pardon now. Apparently the Trump-Fox News mantra is "MORE CRIME EQUALS LESS TIME!"

Not to throw shade at this exemplary "judge," but we have a different read, and it is that ACTUALLY Manafort may be fucking screwed at this point, because the text suggests he lied to hide the facts of his contacts with the RUSSIAN SPY explicitly in order to stay loyal to Donald Trump.

Last night on the Rachel Maddow TV program, House Intelligence Committee chair Adam Schiff tried to analyze the why of Manafort's lying, and suggested that perhaps telling the truth might have been so bad and incriminating for Donald Trump that it would've ruined any chance Manafort had at a pardon. (Know how Trump always tweets about how Manafort is a "brave man" whose life is being unfairly ruined by the Mueller "witch hunt"? Trump is nothing higher on the food chain than a stupid mob boss, so when he says Manafort is "good," what he means is that he is loyal. A rogue president like Trump wouldn't abuse the system by pardoning people who were disloyal, would he?)

Indeed, this is the contention of the OSC, in its argument about Manafort's violation of his plea deal:

Now we know that truth is going to come out, because Mueller knows the truth. And if Mueller knows the truth, Manafort's coverups aren't of much value to President Crime Boss, are they? (Speaking of coverups, it's always worth noting the sheer number of Trump people who have constantly lied about their contacts with Russians, and that those lies tend to always be at least related to something involving lifting Russian sanctions. Isn't that FUNNY?)

Also, let's not forget that it's also possible that Manafort is way more scared of getting poisoned to death by his former bosses in Russia and Ukraine than he ever was of the American criminal justice system, and that could be part of why he lied. Oh well, guess he shoulda thought of that before engaging in CRIME SO MUCH CRIME, including maybe helping to steal an American election to give it to Vladimir Putin.

Maybe Trump will give Manafort that pardon, just for holding out so long. Or maybe he'll just die in prison! WOMP WOMP and all that rot.

In celebration of Paul Manafort's new role on the new Netflix spinoff series "Trump Assholes Are The New Orange Is The New Black," let's watch our favorite clip of Manafort during the summer of 2016, talking about whether Trump or the campaign were tied up with Russians:

MANAFORT: That's what he said, UH DERP DERP DERP that's what I s- DERP FART that's our position!

Tell it to the judge, Paul Manafort, oh wait you did LOL.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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