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It would probably be fun to be an assistant US attorney. You would get to prosecute the bad guys and you would get to be friends with all the "Law & Order" people probably, we bet. But we definitely do not want to be the AUSA who accidentally cut-and-pasted a thing for one of his filings, and the thing he cut-and-pasted was from a SECRET FILING AGAINST WIKILEAKS RUSSIAN AGENT TROLL STINKY CAT LADY JULIAN ASSANGE.

Dude. We bet that guy is hitting himself repeatedly today, and nobody is even asking him, "Why are you hitting yourself?" because everybody knows.


Oh well, the cat is out of the bag now, but not the cat that Julian Assange refuses to clean up after. Assange has been charged with (?????) crimes, but the indictment is under seal, so we can't see it. Story over, goodbye!

Just kidding, we will phone in at least 300 more words about this. First, WaPo with the derp-y way this all came about:

Assistant U.S. Attorney Kellen S. Dwyer, urging a judge to keep the matter sealed, wrote that "due to the sophistication of the defendant and the publicity surrounding the case, no other procedure is likely to keep confidential the fact that Assange has been charged." Later, Dwyer wrote the charges would "need to remain sealed until Assange is arrested."

Dwyer is also assigned to the WikiLeaks case. People familiar with the matter said what Dwyer was disclosing was true, but unintentional.

You guys if you have a secret don't tell Kellen S. Dwyer.

The big oopsie was discovered by a guy, name of Seamus Hughes, who is the deputy director of the Program on Extremism at George Washington University, who tweeted it right out.

WaPo notes that on top of WikiLeaks being under investigation for its actions during the 2016 campaign, the Deep State has been "taking a second look" at whether anybody should face charges over the 2010 diplomatic cables leak or its more recent CIA leaks. (Yes, but oh man, we do not want to get into THAT argument right now.)

Of course, investigators have been interested in WikiLeaks's role at the nexus of the Trumpo-Russian conspiracy to take down American democracy. Clearly they were working as Russian intelligence assets in the dissemination of stolen emails from the DNC and the Hillary Clinton campaign. But who did they work with on the American side, and who was in on it? Did Roger Stone have advance knowledge of what they were going to go? Did other people know? Did Donald Trump know?

We are just betting he did, because of how he talked about WikiLeaks constantly on the campaign trail.

So what's that smelly motherfucker going to get LOCK HER UPPED for? And how are we getting him to America for a fair trial and then swift prison until natural death? And what of WikiPaws, his cat, whose name isn't even WikiPaws but we're gonna call it that anyway because we want to? As to the first question, we don't know yet. As for getting Assange to America, well first the Ecuadorean embassy would have to kick him out -- we think they'd oblige -- and then the United Kingdom would have to #Brexit him. (His lawyer is telling Russian media there's a plan to do just that!) First, though, they'd have to give him a flea bath and quarantine him to make sure he's not bringing any foreign animal crotch rabies to America, and then, assuming his heartworm tests come out negative, he'd be on a plane, presumably in a kennel in the cargo hold.

Dunno 'bout the cat.

Let's check in with Lord Glennys of Greenwald, just for shits 'n' giggles:


Oh my god, take a fucking pill, Mary.

Yeah, yeah, we know there has been a whole argument (a legitimate one!) over the free flow of information and whether or not entities like WikiLeaks should be viewed as news organs or just thugs, but for Christ's sake, this group (we imagine knowingly) has been working as a cut-out for Russian intelligence FORFUCKINGEVER and it hasn't exactly been a neutral arbiter on the people's right to RADICAL TRANSPARENCY. During the 2016 election, it was laser-focused on taking down Hillary Clinton, just like Trump and Putin were.

Oh yeah, and the Russian operation literally subverted American democracy, specifically OUR FUCKING PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. So you can lock Assange up, throw away the key, and forget about him, for all we care.

We apologize in advance to the communities surrounding whatever federal prison Assange ends up in, because we can't imagine that constant lingering ferret smell will do much for your property values.

Oh well.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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