Julian Assange To Be Offered Asylum In American Prison. Don't Bring The Cat.
It would probably be fun to be an assistant US attorney. You would get to prosecute the bad guys and you would get to be friends with all the "Law & Order" people probably, we bet. But we definitely do not want to be the AUSA who accidentally cut-and-pasted a thing for one of his filings, and the thing he cut-and-pasted was from a SECRET FILING AGAINST WIKILEAKS RUSSIAN AGENT TROLL STINKY CAT LADY JULIAN ASSANGE.
Dude. We bet that guy is hitting himself repeatedly today, and nobody is even asking him, "Why are you hitting yourself?" because everybody knows.
Oh well, the cat is out of the bag now, but not the cat that Julian Assange refuses to clean up after. Assange has been charged with (?????) crimes, but the indictment is under seal, so we can't see it. Story over, goodbye!
Just kidding, we will phone in at least 300 more words about this. First, WaPo with the derp-y way this all came about:
Assistant U.S. Attorney Kellen S. Dwyer, urging a judge to keep the matter sealed, wrote that "due to the sophistication of the defendant and the publicity surrounding the case, no other procedure is likely to keep confidential the fact that Assange has been charged." Later, Dwyer wrote the charges would "need to remain sealed until Assange is arrested."
Dwyer is also assigned to the WikiLeaks case. People familiar with the matter said what Dwyer was disclosing was true, but unintentional.
You guys if you have a secret don't tell Kellen S. Dwyer.
The big oopsie was discovered by a guy, name of Seamus Hughes, who is the deputy director of the Program on Extremism at George Washington University, who tweeted it right out.
WaPo notes that on top of WikiLeaks being under investigation for its actions during the 2016 campaign, the Deep State has been "taking a second look" at whether anybody should face charges over the 2010 diplomatic cables leak or its more recent CIA leaks. (Yes, but oh man, we do not want to get into THAT argument right now.)
Of course, investigators have been interested in WikiLeaks's role at the nexus of the Trumpo-Russian conspiracy to take down American democracy. Clearly they were working as Russian intelligence assets in the dissemination of stolen emails from the DNC and the Hillary Clinton campaign. But who did they work with on the American side, and who was in on it? Did Roger Stone have advance knowledge of what they were going to go? Did other people know? Did Donald Trump know?
We are just betting he did, because of how he talked about WikiLeaks constantly on the campaign trail.
So what's that smelly motherfucker going to get LOCK HER UPPED for? And how are we getting him to America for a fair trial and then swift prison until natural death? And what of WikiPaws, his cat, whose name isn't even WikiPaws but we're gonna call it that anyway because we want to? As to the first question, we don't know yet. As for getting Assange to America, well first the Ecuadorean embassy would have to kick him out -- we think they'd oblige -- and then the United Kingdom would have to #Brexit him. (His lawyer is telling Russian media there's a plan to do just that!) First, though, they'd have to give him a flea bath and quarantine him to make sure he's not bringing any foreign animal crotch rabies to America, and then, assuming his heartworm tests come out negative, he'd be on a plane, presumably in a kennel in the cargo hold.
Dunno 'bout the cat.
Let's check in with Lord Glennys of Greenwald, just for shits 'n' giggles:
Oh my god, take a fucking pill, Mary.
Yeah, yeah, we know there has been a whole argument (a legitimate one!) over the free flow of information and whether or not entities like WikiLeaks should be viewed as news organs or just thugs, but for Christ's sake, this group (we imagine knowingly) has been working as a cut-out for Russian intelligence FORFUCKINGEVER and it hasn't exactly been a neutral arbiter on the people's right to RADICAL TRANSPARENCY. During the 2016 election, it was laser-focused on taking down Hillary Clinton, just like Trump and Putin were.
Oh yeah, and the Russian operation literally subverted American democracy, specifically OUR FUCKING PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION. So you can lock Assange up, throw away the key, and forget about him, for all we care.
We apologize in advance to the communities surrounding whatever federal prison Assange ends up in, because we can't imagine that constant lingering ferret smell will do much for your property values.
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