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Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.


While you were sleeping Trump's trade war kicked off, sending US stock futures into the toilet. As the US levied $34 billion in tariffs on Chinese goods, China accused the US of violating agreements with the WTO and imposed its own tariffs on the flyover country staples like soybeans, corn, pork, and poultry. [Live Updates] [Infographics] [Archive]

The Trump administration is already looking at a $30 billion bailout for farmers expected to be slapped shirtless by Trump's trade war, but it's being by trashed by nerds and politicians on both sides of the aisle.

Two Trump officials are LEAKING to The Daily Beast that Trump wants to roll back the number of refugees admitted to the US to no more than 25,000. After all, you can't kidnap babies if you don't let them in.

The US Army has quietly booted out at least 40 reservists and recruits who enlisted with promises of citizenship, citing ties with family members in Not America as security risks, contrary to independent military assessments.

Even as Trump's trade war rockets ahead, the Trump family's business empire continues to reap YUGE profits from the Chinese government in multiple countries, including the US, Dubai, and Indonesia in the banking and clothing manufacturing sectors. #MAGA

Meanwhile, back at Mar-a-Lago, Trump is looking to hire 40 foreign workers for 12.68 an hour from October through May, mirroring similar maneuvers for temporary back-of-the-house staff at other US Trump properties.

At another "campaign style" rally in Great Falls, Montana, Trump simultaneously made racist comments about Sen. Elizabeth Warren and the #MeToo movement, blew his dog whistle while screaming about at Rep. Maxine Waters, and complained about Sen. Jon Tester, ailing Sen. John McCain, fact-checking journalists, President Barack Obama, President George H.W. Bush's "thousand points of light," and NATO. He also bitched about crowd sizes and blew kisses to Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Trump has brought in former Fox News exec Bill Shine to head up the White House comms department as a deputy White House chief of staff. Shine was previously ousted from Fox over charges that he helped cover up the network's culture of grab ass. Nobody is more pissed than Gretchen Carlson, who filed her sexual harassment suit exactly two years ago. [Morning Maddow]

There's a last minute push for Judge Raymond Kethledge for SCOTUS by Trump's White House after he and Trump bonded, so let's meet him!

A new Economist/YouGov poll shows that people are more interested in a SCOTUS Justice's position on immigration and voting rights than abortion. Here's puppers and kitties.

Senate Democrats are pissed that grifty bastard Ryan Zinke is ignoring requests to turn over documents related to federal grants amid allegations that Zinke is crooked as shit.

The guy taking over the EPA from Scott Pruitt is a former coal lobbyist. Hurray....

Politico is reporting that one of Scott Pruitt's last acts in the EPA is covering up a report that details how cancer causing formaldehyde vapor has been affecting most Americans. Thanks, Trump...

Walmart is trying to be more inclusive by ditching the Confederate flag for the rainbow flag, just don't talk about workers' rights, fair wages, gun humping, or the gutting of small-town businesses. [Archive]

As a fourth person comes forward to accuse Ohio Republican Rep. Jim Jordan of turning a blind eye to allegations of molestation during his time at Ohio State University, Trump has defended Jordan, telling a press gaggle, "I believe him 100 percent. No question in my mind. I don't believe them at all."

Meanwhile, Fox News reports the US Capitol Police are investigating "strange" emails from one of the men accusing Jordan of complacency in allegations of sexual abuse.

K Street is getting ready for a potential Blue Wave and pulling out its rolodex of Democratic lobbyists and strategists.

Chicago is bracing for a large anti-gun violence protest that is expected to shut down the Dan Ryan Expressway this Saturday. State troopers are expected to stop protesters, with rumors of planned mass arrests.

After specifically declining to endorse the Democratic incumbent over the Republican self-described Nazi candidate for the Illinois 3rd District, Illinois Republican Gov. Bruce Rauner says that you should "vote for anybody" except the Nazi.

A columnist who used to work the Capital Gazette in Annapolis, Maryland, received a a letter from the man suspected of murdering five journalists and staffers last week.

The neo-Nazi who ALLEGEDLY drove his car into a crowd of protesters in Charlottesville, Virginia, last year has pleaded guilty to charges of first-degree murder and other offenses (including hate crimes). LOCK HIM UP!

Mike Pompeo went to North Korea with a copy of Elton John's "Rocket Man" CD autographed by Donald Trump because Donald Trump apparently still lives in the fucking 1980s.

Russia is asking residents of one its World Cup host cities to "take showers in pairs" in the hope that visitors will have enough water to shower.

At least two rhino poachers are believed to have been eaten by lions in South Africa. Good kitties!

Michael Cohen has been telling his last few friends that he doesn't think Trump will give him a pardon for all the crimes he didn't commit.

That Roe v. Wade movie with Stacey Dash filming in New Orleans is even worse than first reported, as it hemorrhages cast and crew members due to guerrilla shoots, a terrible script, aborted fetus scenes (plural!), and cameos by edgy ultra-conservative blowhards.

After "Borat" star/creator Sacha Barron Cohen released a cryptic video of Trump insulting him on Twitter, rumors are percolating that he's working on a new show. Cohen previously went to great lengths to insult Trump and other world leaders in previous films.

Broadcaster Ed Schultz died. He was 64.

Some US government agencies want to be able to "micro-purchase" $20,000 contracts in the event of a cyber attack. Hoo-ah, nerds.

California's hardcore net neutrality legislation is back after renegotiating the so-called "fast lane" provisions that give telecoms raging boners.

Facebook is super sorry it thought the Declaration of Independence was "hate speech," and is blaming it all on on robots (as usual).

And here's your morning Nice Time! KITTENS!

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or lying in a gutter taking photos.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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