Time for another dispatch for our semiregular series, "Where In Florida Are The Trumps Fucking Off To Today?" They're all heading down there, like birds who fly south for the winter on the run from the law in New York state, allegedly.

Despite how Donald Trump has spent months propagating his Big Lie that he won the election, Melania Trump has been packing for ages, looking for schools near Mar-a-Lago for Barron, and making Donald very mad because he doesn't like the renos she's been doing on Mar-a-Lago. But then there was this whole thing about how maybe Donald and Melania might not be allowed to live at Mar-a-Lago full time anyway, owing to how his contract to buy the place stipulated that it would be a private club and not a residence, so they've been reportedly real estate shopping in Palm Beach.

Ivanka 'n' Jared bought a $30 million lot on Indian Creek Island nearby, a gated community nicknamed the "Billionaires' Bunker." We haven't heard much more about that, but maybe they are looking at Southern Living home plans, maybe for a nice split level.

And now the New York Post reports that Donald Trump Jr. and his gross girlfriend Kim Guilfoyle are looking for a place in a different suburb, specifically the Jupiter area. We just hope it doesn't have mirrors because have you seen his face?


Donald Trump's children are exiting New York just as the city and other businesses cancel contracts with the Trump Organization following the riot at the Capitol.

That's right, the city of New York is canceling its contracts with the Trumps, and none of their banks want anything to do with them anymore, and it is definitely just because of the Capitol attack and the Trumps' past treatment of banks certainly doesn't factor in. Why would you say that? As of the other day, it was just Deutsche Bank and Signature bank. Now also too it is Professional Bank, which is actually based out of Florida. Hope these kids don't run into any trouble getting a mortgage!

Anyway, back to Junior and Kim looking for places where he can have a weird face and she can scream into voids:

"There is no way they can stay in New York. They'd be tortured in the streets," said a source close to the family.

Something something cancel culture.

For now, Trump Jr. and Guilfoyle are looking at homes in Jupiter, sources told Gimme exclusively, about an hour and a half away from Indian Creek Island, where Jared Kushner, 40, and Ivanka Trump, 39, just bought a $30 million lot.

So they're going to Jupiter, which is lovely, and we apologize to residents on their behalf. Jared and Ivanka are going to be an hour and a half away. In between the two is Palm Beach, where Daddy will be, we guess. It's like each Trump is finding their own little slice of south Florida to stink up. Oh man, the NextDoor arguments down there are gonna be wild.

Page Six reports that To A Lesser Extent Tiffany is also looking to buy down that way. She would like to be in South Beach. She currently lives in a hotel with her boyfriend. A fancy one. This is the end of the paragraph about Tiffany.

So why Jupiter for Guilfoyle and The Face? Well, for one, there's a trashy Trump club there. For two, that's where Vanessa Trump, Junior's ex-wife who got the fuck out, lives with their kids. The Post says they want something move-in ready, and also:

"They are looking at a very secure, guarded, protected community with like-minded conservatives. There's no way they will ever feel welcome in New York," a source said, adding that the move also benefits Trump's tax situation.

Haha, OK, kids, have fun on Wingnut Island. Where EVERY day is boat parade day for Daddy!

But wait, what's this? The Palm Beach Daily News is reporting that Guilfoyle has been looking at houses BY HERSELF in Palm Beach? What is happening, is love on the rocks? Oh well, let's not expend another second worrying about it, because we don't care.

The only person we haven't heard anything about, Florida-wise, is Eric Trump. Is he moving to Florida? Have they all forgotten him? WHAT ABOUT ERIC, YOU GUYS, WHERE IS ERIC GOING TO LIVE, ERIC WOULD LIKE TO LIVE SOMEWHERE, DON'T FORGET ABOUT ERIC!

We're sure it'll all work out fine. Or maybe the attorney general of New York is going to have them all arrested.

Either way, we're sure it'll be fine.

[New York Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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