Just Biding Our Time Until We Find Josh Duggar's Grindr At This Point. Your Weekly Top Ten.
Coming soon to a town near you, but Sarah Palin won't be there. OR WILL SHE?
Hey Wonkers! We had a big week! Did YOU have a big week in your job? Just kidding, this post is not about you. Did you hear the big news about how Editrix Becca invested in a Winnebago for the Wonkette, so we can do onsite "journalism" at the Iowa caucuses and the Republican convention and wherever else news is happening? Or wherever else we decide to do drinky things. We are going to do ALL the activities, and you should be very excited.
ON THAT NOTE, how about we shake you down for cash for a minute? Last week, we TOLD you we had Wonkette Secrets planned, and how we need your loving moneys so we can keep making yr Wonkette serve ALL your needs, except the sexual ones, because being hookers is illegal! Anyway, please to give us $5, so we can keep doing bigger and better and Wonkier things, and also so yr Wonkers can eat food and live indoors. Wasn't that easy? Your moneys will pay for lots of fossil fuels so that the Wonkebago can come to your town, so you can meet the Wonkette baby. YOU DO SO WANT TO MEET HER, you liars. Well PONY UP!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Maybe you are reading them for the first time, or maybe you just really like reading about Josh Duggar's penis over and over again, because you're weird.
1. Your winner for the week, of course, is the fateful afternoon we all found out how Josh Duggar is a gross cheater with an Ashley Madison account, on top of the other ways he is gross.
2. And number two, of course, is Duggar's NOT-pology, about how the porn demons forced him to put his wee willy up inside the strange ladies.
3. Oh here is a different thing! It is about Ted Cruz being a cruel, disgusting asshole, this time to yr beloved Jimmy Carter.
4. Back to your regularly scheduled Duggars. Right before all the yucky Breaking Duggar Penis News, there were these rumors about how God had a new plan for the Duggars to get rich on the TV. We were skeptical at the time, and we are even more skeptical now.
5. Donald Trump, who owns everything but a mirror, called Heidi Klum ugly. You learn things like this by reading Maureen Dowd, even though you really don't wanna.
7. Pig man Mike Huckabee thought it would be a cool idea to lecture Jewish Israelis IN THEIR HOMELAND. It didn't go well!
8. Oh, and remember how Mike Huckabee said those vicious terrible things about how "aw sad" it is for little girls to have to birth their rape babies, but anyway, no abortion for you? That story didn't quite make the top ten, but Editrix Becca unleashing hell on Huckabee, explaining exactly why little girls are not equipped to have ANY babies, did.
9. Oh look, it is another conservative Christian fame whore with an Ashley Madison account! God already forgave Sam Rader, so it's all cool.
10. And finally, Carly Fiorina made the top ten, at least on Wonkette, for a story about how bad she sucks! Don't think we have any delegates to offer at the Republican convention, though. Sorry, Carly :(
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are some good stories about Josh Duggar's gross body, and also about other things!
Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! And have you heard of this new-ish thing, the Flipboard? It is so pretty! It pulls your Wonkette stories into beautiful sexxxy magazines for easy reading, and we are putting together collections, so you can enjoy, say, all your favorite Pat Robertson stories in one place, and like, such as. Here are a bunch of times Becca did mommyblogging! And here are a bunch of times Wonkette crammed food down your throat. Anyway, go to the Flipboard and poke around, because we said so, you'll want to gay marry it within an hour.
Oh and because why not, follow your individual Wonkettes on the Twitter, because that is a nice thing to do. We are at @KailiJoy, @DoktorZoom, @EvanHurst, @shypixel, and @commiegirl1, which is your lovely Editrix.
Then, you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)
OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are Bernie Sanders t-shirts and Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more, because Wonkebagos are 'SPENSIVE.
Anyway, going to brunch now, so get the fuck out.