Who's excited to talk some more about Donald Trump's wandering dick? Anyone? Anyone?

YEAH, US NEITHER. But we have to, since Donald Trump is the president and what he does with his nasty, orange wiener is a potential threat to national security. Which Christopher Steele warned us about before the election, goddammit! Thanks, Evangelicals!

According to Ronan Farrow's latest story in the New Yorker, in June 2006 Donald Trump spotted Playmate Karen McDougal at a party at the Playboy Mansion and pawed her so aggressively that McDougal's supervisor gushed, "you could be his next wife!" Sure he'd only been married for two years and had a toddler at home, but what relationship doesn't have problems, right? Check out her account of their romantic first date!

McDougal wrote that Trump impressed her. “I was so nervous! I was into his intelligence + charm. Such a polite man,” she wrote. “We talked for a couple hours – then, it was “ON”! We got naked + had sex.” As McDougal was getting dressed to leave, Trump did something that surprised her. “He offered me money,” she wrote. “I looked at him (+ felt sad) + said, ‘No thanks - I’m not ‘that girl.’ I slept w/you because I like you - NOT for money’ - He told me ‘you are special.’”

Jesus, Karen! Do you not have any girlfriends to drag you outta there and take you for pizza and a peptalk? You need to hang out with better people!

Their hookups took place in a private bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel, exactly where Trump met Stormy Daniels and Summer Zervos. What a coincidence! He promised to buy her things and sent her stupid Trump golf visors, just as he did with Daniels. Another amazing coincidence! And Trump allegedly had sex with both women the same weekend at the American Century Celebrity Golf Championship in Lake Tahoe in July 2006. The very weekend he's reported to have offered adult film star Jessica Drake $10,000 "for her company." So many coincidences!

And here's one more: One of Donald Trump's rich buddies swooped in and paid Karen McDougal to keep quiet. Just like Stormy Daniels. Only this time it wasn't Trump's personal fixer Michael Cohen. It was David Pecker (LOL, no really!), the CEO of the National Enquirer's parent company who paid McDougal $150,000 for her story. A MONTH BEFORE THE ELECTION. AND NEVER RAN IT.

Now, we thought "catch and kill" was what happens when you find your husband has been barebacking multiple porn stars in the same weekend. But no! In publishing, it's the practice of buying the rights to a story to prevent it getting out, either to bury it, or to use the information for some other purpose.

Maxine Page, who worked at A.M.I. [National Enquirer's parent company] on and off from 2002 to 2012, including as an executive editor at one of the company’s Web sites, said that Pecker also used the unpublished stories as “leverage” over some celebrities in order to pressure them to pose for his magazines or feed him stories. Several former employees said that these celebrities included Arnold Schwarzenegger, as reported by the Los Angeles Times, and Tiger Woods. (Schwarzenegger, through an attorney, denied this claim. Woods did not respond to requests for comment.) “Even though they’re just tabloids, just rags, it’s still a cause of concern,” Page said. “In theory, you would think that Trump has all the power in that relationship, but in fact Pecker has the power—he has the power to run these stories. He knows where the bodies are buried.”

So now some tabloid publisher has leverage over Donald Trump because he's got the rights to publish this woman's sad, gross story of having sad, gross sex with a sad, gross old man. Just like Christopher Steele warned us the Russians would "exploit Trump's personal obsessions and sexual perversions in order to obtain suitable 'kompromat.'"

And while we're on the subject of compromising information, we can't help remembering this passage from Michael Wolff's Fire and Fury book.

Look, [Trump attorney Mark] Kasowitz has known him for twenty-five years. [...] Kasowitz has gotten him out of all kinds of jams. Kasowitz on the campaign - what did we have, a hundred women? Kasowitz took care of all of them.'

That's fucking great! A guy with a hundred potential blackmail cases, a guy who couldn't pass a background check to be a goddamn bookkeeper at the FBI, is looking at every classified document and government secret going back to where Nicholas Cage hid the real Declaration of Independence. And there's not a damn thing we can do about it. We should probably thank our lucky stars that idiot would rather watch Fox News than raid the CIA archives!

Thanks, Russia!

And one more thing. Melania, if you're out there, RUN, GIRL!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please give us money so we can pay off all the porn stars who are threatening to sell their stories of our hot Wonklovin'! Also for salaries and servers!

[New Yorker]

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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