As Donald Trump enters his final days of neglecting the job he's bungled for four years, he's in a very, very pissy mood, not that he's ever been a great big bag of joy at any time in his life. CNN reports that Trump has been sulking like a big stupid wad of loser, and that he's especially likely to fly into a rage if anyone talks about the 1974 resignation of Richard Nixon. After a recent discussion among his advisers that he might consider stepping down following his fans' failed coup,

Trump shut the idea down almost immediately. And he has made clear to aides in separate conversations that mere mention of President Richard Nixon, the last president to resign, was banned.

He told one adviser during an expletive-laden conversation recently never to bring up the ex-president ever again.

Poor poor Donald. We just can't stop giggling.


During that brief discussion of a possible resignation this week, Trump "told people he couldn't count on Vice President Mike Pence to pardon him like Gerald Ford did Nixon, anyway." Oh come now, Donald. Maybe Pence would overlook your attempt to get him murdered by the mob that went looking for him in the Capitol last week. Or maybe he'd enjoy smiling and saying "No, won't be doing that, sir."

The rest of the article isn't nearly as juicy, though. We sure wanted to know more about Trump's thought on the guy who used to be the biggest crook to hold the presidency, but maybe the sources are sitting on them for the inevitable tell-all books.

We wouldn't be at all surprised if those eminent candidates for the remainders bin sound uncannily like Bob Woodward's The Final Days, but without the drinking. We can imagine Trump wandering around an empty West Wing at night, stopping before a portrait of Abraham Lincoln to monologue about all the injustice he's had to deal with. And then he might tell the Great Emancipator that maybe he didn't know this, but Abe Lincoln was a Republican. "A lot of people don't know that," Trump will say, nodding at his insight.

Heck, if Trump wants to, he can even have that evil old toad Henry Kissinger come over to the White House to pray with him the night before he leaves office. Trump will tell Kissinger to get down on his knees and tell Trump that Nixon's sufferings were nothing compared to Trump's, especially since Trump is completely blameless, the target of ceaseless Democratic witch hunts.

For old times' sake, Trump might even pull out that 2016 electoral map to show Kissinger how much land area voted for Trump, the greatest victory. And then, for old times' sake, Kissinger might idly designate places on the map for carpet bombing.

Trump is probably also pissed off that, unlike Nixon, he can't be portrayed by a young Dan Aykroyd saying "Throw another tape on the fire!"

But there are of course some important differences between the two. For instance, there's not a chance in hell that anyone will ever think of Trump as an otherwise smart guy who let his paranoia and need for control lead him to do bad things. Or that in the years following his presidency, anyone will ever mistake him for an elder statesman, a lapse of judgement entirely too common when it came to Nixon.

And there's no chance in hell Steve Martin will ever loosely base a comedy/banjo bit around Donald Trump, either, the end.


[CNN]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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