Just Look At These F**king Michigan Idiots

Doofuses in Michigan are protesting Gov. Gretchen Whitmer's recent executive orders literally designed to keep them alive during the coronavirus outbreak. It's like she's forcing the entire state to stop for directions but they know damn well where they're going!

The Michigan Conservative Coalition, a far-Right Pepe-style group, worked with the Michigan Freedom Fund, a Betsy DeVos-backed group, to organize Wednesday's “Operation Gridlock." That's the very smart protest where hundreds of people descended on the state capitol in Lansing in violation of Whitmer's stay-at-home order, which is all of three weeks old. I've been grounded for longer (you didn't mess with my mother). The protests backed up traffic, even blocking entire streets, and while a lot of people stayed in their cars and were just annoying — honking their horns and shouting rightwing liberty jargon — more than a few dummies left their vehicles and interacted with strangers like they were tailgating at the Coronavirus rivalry week. They weren't even wearing masks or — to invoke my mother again — warm enough coats for the weather.

The protestors argue that Whitmer's stay-at-home order is “too far reaching," but they aren't staging sit-ins at the garden section at Lowe's. They're gathering in large crowds in public spaces without practicing social distancing. They might as well have dug mosh pits. This is the absolute worst thing to do during a pandemic.

Whitmer expanded her stay-at-home order last week. Examples of her wanton tyranny include restricting travel between vacation homes (just pick one already) and forbidding the use of motorized boats. Matt Seely, one of the protest organizers, claims Whitmer is “locking people inside their homes," which hasn't happened, and “taking away their civil liberties." God, he's a spoiled, whiny little brat. “Civil liberties," for instance, don't mean you get to do whatever you want whenever you want. The government cannot impose “unwarranted or arbitrary" restrictions on our freedom. There's something called “due process." However, Whitmer has followed the existing process for managing a crisis like COVID-19. The first reported case was on March 10 and there are now 26,000 confirmed cases in the state. The virus has already killed 1,766 Michiganders in just a little over a month. This is serious shit. It's not enough to just go about your normal life but remember to cover your mouth when you cough. That ship has sailed, and it sank after striking a Donald Trump-shaped iceberg.

Now, back to these idiots protesting Whitmer's executive orders. They looked like they were at a Trump rally. Loud music was blaring, and folks were taking selfies that'll be used later to identify their bodies. No one was social distancing because Gretchen Whitmer's not their real mom. It's their God-given right to spread a contagion throughout the state if they wanna! They didn't even follow the organizers' original directions to stay in their cars and make it a “drive-through" protest. Not that creating an epic traffic jam was any more responsible. “OperationGridlock" did just as the name entailed and even reportedly blocked a goddamn hospital. This is why Whitmer wanted people to keep their asses home.

“OperationGridlock" declared that "[Whitmer] is driving us out of business. We're driving to Lansing." This is so dumb. Whitmer didn't bring this plague on their houses. Ignoring the coronavirus won't make it go away. Donald Trump already tried. It's astonishing to see protestors waving "Trump/Pence" and "Impeach Whitmer!" signs. These are the sort of people who'd embrace the flames that burned their house while complaining that the fire department's hoses got them wet.

Emperor Whitmer — as fully grown conservatives have called the governor on Twitter — appeared on the “Today" show Wednesday morning and tried to put some sense in people's heads.

WHITMER: Michigan has the third-most COVID-19 cases in the nation right now. We are not the third largest state in the nation. That tells you we've got a unique crisis on our hands, and it demands a unique solution.

Let's hope that after Wednesday's temper tantrum in Lansing, Michigan doesn't end up with the most COVID cases in the nation. That's not a great distinction.

Protesters in opposition of stay-home order gather at Michigan capitolwww.youtube.com

[WILX / Bridge]

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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