Just When You Thought Michael Cohen Couldn't Be Any Stupider, ALONG COMES THE ONION!
During the Trump administration, people often say the same joke over and over again when sharing a crazy article: "THIS IS NOT THE ONION, YOU GUYS!" (Or something like that.)
But for once, we are reading The Onion, and it is real news! Turns out that back in 2013, the world's worst lawyer, Michael Cohen, who went to the world's worst law school, Cooley Law School, felt the need to do some of his trademark LAW-FIXIN' for his very dumb and bad client, whom he adoringly calls MIS-TURRRR TWUMP. You see, The Onion posted a satirical LOL opinion piece supposedly written by Donald Trump, that just reminded everybody that if they're down in the dumps, if they're having one of those "when the dog bites, when the bee stings" kind of days, to simply remember that Trump is going to die within 15 to 20 years.
Of course, if you aren't the stupidest lawyer in America, you know The Onion is a JOKE WEBSITE. When it says an article was written by "Donald Trump," it was not written by Trump. When a salt-of-the-earth heterosexual named Bruce Heffernan writes an Onion piece called "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock," SPOILER ALERT, Bruce Heffernan is not a real guy and all these homosexuals are doing no such thing. Likewise, when The Onion reported at the height of the Bill Clinton sexxxx scandal that Monica Lewinsky had been subpoenaed to "re-blow" Clinton on the Senate floor, that was quite literally FAKE NEWS.
Michael Cohen apparently did not know this. So he fired off one of his really good Tuff Guy lawyer letters, DEMANDING that The Onion TAKE IT DOWN and SAY SORRY. His letter was even dumber than the time he told the Daily Beast, in response to a story that merely mentioned that Trump's first wife Ivana had at one point alleged that he raped her, "I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?” (Apropos of nothing, that was also the time he claimed that as a matter of law, a wife cannot be raped by her husband. So again: best lawyer!)
The Onion says they just finally got around to reading this very funny letter. Enjoy it, because once Cohen is indicted and convicted for committing one million crimes for MIST-URRRRRR TWUMP, he won't be able to write letters like this from jail:
Let me begin by stating the obvious...that the commentary was not written by Mr. Trump.
Well of course not, Michael. Trump doesn't have a sense of humor.
Secondly, the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism, even in your Onion.
EVEN IN YOUR ONION!
Of course, we could point out that satire, by definition, "lacks any place in journalism, even in your Onion," but we're dealing with Michael Cohen here, who is really going through a stinker of a time right now, so we'll be gentle and refrain from diagramming every one of his sentences to show you how stupid he is.
Regardless, Michael Cohen HEREBY DEMANDED that The Onion take down the piece and say sorry to MIS-TURRR TWUMP, because Cohen knows the worst sin in the world is to make fun of MIS-TURRR TWUMP, who has very delicate feelings and very thin skin. He further asked that The Onion "contact [him] immediately to discuss." Mm hmm, yep, LOL!
Now, five years later, with the Trump post still on their website (and getting a shitload of traffic, from what we can see), and now that Trump is president for some godforsaken reason, The Onion accepts! They are not taking down the post, of course, but they would love to discuss:
We read the email, and given Mr. Trump’s ascension to the presidency since its writing, we want to apologize for the delay and would be delighted to meet with Mr. Cohen in person—at the White House, perhaps? [...]
While we respectfully disagree with Mr. Cohen’s assessments, we understand that he is duty-bound to safeguard his client’s public image, a task he has no doubt fulfilled time and time again throughout his many years of dedicated service.
As Mr. Trump is now the leader of the free world, now is clearly the best time to resume our discussion. While it is generally not our policy to let outside forces affect our editorial decisions, the opportunity to gain a direct line to the president clearly presents a special case. We would be more than willing to accommodate Mr. Cohen’s wishes—provided we get something in return, of course. A quid pro quo, if you will.
Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiibe. Michael Cohen likes those! ALLEGEDLY.
You wanna see Michael Cohen's response, which we imagine he tweeted with his tongue half hanging outside his mouth, like a common person whose tongue doesn't fit inside his mouth properly? Yeah you do:
— Michael Cohen (@MichaelCohen212) May 21, 2018
FOOL MICHAEL COHEN TWICE, CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN, SAYS WHO!
Poor thing, trying to act like this isn't really happening. Sadly for Cohen -- so many things are sad for him right now! -- it's been confirmed multiple times that he did in fact send this letter to the VERY FAKE WEBSITE about the very mean article that appeared "IN YOUR ONION."
Just another day in the adventures of being the stupidest person in the entire world of Trump. (You know, besides MIS-TURRRR TWUMP himself, who is also very stupid.)
God bless America, for real.
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