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During the Trump administration, people often say the same joke over and over again when sharing a crazy article: "THIS IS NOT THE ONION, YOU GUYS!" (Or something like that.)


But for once, we are reading The Onion, and it is real news! Turns out that back in 2013, the world's worst lawyer, Michael Cohen, who went to the world's worst law school, Cooley Law School, felt the need to do some of his trademark LAW-FIXIN' for his very dumb and bad client, whom he adoringly calls MIS-TURRRR TWUMP. You see, The Onion posted a satirical LOL opinion piece supposedly written by Donald Trump, that just reminded everybody that if they're down in the dumps, if they're having one of those "when the dog bites, when the bee stings" kind of days, to simply remember that Trump is going to die within 15 to 20 years.

Of course, if you aren't the stupidest lawyer in America, you know The Onion is a JOKE WEBSITE. When it says an article was written by "Donald Trump," it was not written by Trump. When a salt-of-the-earth heterosexual named Bruce Heffernan writes an Onion piece called "Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock," SPOILER ALERT, Bruce Heffernan is not a real guy and all these homosexuals are doing no such thing. Likewise, when The Onion reported at the height of the Bill Clinton sexxxx scandal that Monica Lewinsky had been subpoenaed to "re-blow" Clinton on the Senate floor, that was quite literally FAKE NEWS.

Everybody knows this. (Except these idiots. And also this GOP idiot who fell for The Onion's thing about Planned Parenthood planning a giant "abortion-plex" theme park, which is a damn classic.)

Michael Cohen apparently did not know this. So he fired off one of his really good Tuff Guy lawyer letters, DEMANDING that The Onion TAKE IT DOWN and SAY SORRY. His letter was even dumber than the time he told the Daily Beast, in response to a story that merely mentioned that Trump's first wife Ivana had at one point alleged that he raped her, "I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?” (Apropos of nothing, that was also the time he claimed that as a matter of law, a wife cannot be raped by her husband. So again: best lawyer!)

The Onion says they just finally got around to reading this very funny letter. Enjoy it, because once Cohen is indicted and convicted for committing one million crimes for MIST-URRRRRR TWUMP, he won't be able to write letters like this from jail:

Let me begin by stating the obvious...that the commentary was not written by Mr. Trump.

Well of course not, Michael. Trump doesn't have a sense of humor.

Secondly, the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism, even in your Onion.

EVEN IN YOUR ONION!

Of course, we could point out that satire, by definition, "lacks any place in journalism, even in your Onion," but we're dealing with Michael Cohen here, who is really going through a stinker of a time right now, so we'll be gentle and refrain from diagramming every one of his sentences to show you how stupid he is.

Regardless, Michael Cohen HEREBY DEMANDED that The Onion take down the piece and say sorry to MIS-TURRR TWUMP, because Cohen knows the worst sin in the world is to make fun of MIS-TURRR TWUMP, who has very delicate feelings and very thin skin. He further asked that The Onion "contact [him] immediately to discuss." Mm hmm, yep, LOL!

Now, five years later, with the Trump post still on their website (and getting a shitload of traffic, from what we can see), and now that Trump is president for some godforsaken reason, The Onion accepts! They are not taking down the post, of course, but they would love to discuss:

We read the email, and given Mr. Trump’s ascension to the presidency since its writing, we want to apologize for the delay and would be delighted to meet with Mr. Cohen in person—at the White House, perhaps? [...]

While we respectfully disagree with Mr. Cohen’s assessments, we understand that he is duty-bound to safeguard his client’s public image, a task he has no doubt fulfilled time and time again throughout his many years of dedicated service.

Shaaaaaaaade.

As Mr. Trump is now the leader of the free world, now is clearly the best time to resume our discussion. While it is generally not our policy to let outside forces affect our editorial decisions, the opportunity to gain a direct line to the president clearly presents a special case. We would be more than willing to accommodate Mr. Cohen’s wishes—provided we get something in return, of course. A quid pro quo, if you will.

Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiibe. Michael Cohen likes those! ALLEGEDLY.

You wanna see Michael Cohen's response, which we imagine he tweeted with his tongue half hanging outside his mouth, like a common person whose tongue doesn't fit inside his mouth properly? Yeah you do:

FOOL MICHAEL COHEN TWICE, CAN'T GET FOOLED AGAIN, SAYS WHO!

Poor thing, trying to act like this isn't really happening. Sadly for Cohen -- so many things are sad for him right now! -- it's been confirmed multiple times that he did in fact send this letter to the VERY FAKE WEBSITE about the very mean article that appeared "IN YOUR ONION."

Fuckin' idiot.

Just another day in the adventures of being the stupidest person in the entire world of Trump. (You know, besides MIS-TURRRR TWUMP himself, who is also very stupid.)

God bless America, for real.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

Don’t take for granted that the institutions you love will always be there, like journalism and satire, and Wonkette. Click to save at least one of them!

[The Onion]

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Fellow Wonkers, this last week of horror has been wearing on us all, because here we are in a world where the "president" of the United States has ordered that migrant children be taken away from their parents at the border, and is simultaneously proud of it (for his base) and cravenly blaming it on Democrats because even he knows it's morally reprehensible. But what the hell can we do about it beyond calling our senators and representatives and posting sadness on Twitter, the latter of which is of dubious utility to anyone, and mostly depressing?

Resist the urge to disappear into a bottle. The kids and the families need you.

Slate has compiled a great list of places to start, which we will liberally summarize for you right now:

The thing these folks need most is LAWYERS. If you're an immigration lawyer, you're probably already swamped. But on the off chance you have time and expertise to spare, the American Immigration Lawyers Association is building a list of volunteers.

Yr Dok Zoom has given money to the fine folks at RAICES, a San Antonio-based group that has two major projects. They're getting lawyers for migrant families (and for the kids when possible) and raising money to pay migrant parents' bond so they can be out of jail and with their families. If you're in Texas, then click here to volunteer!

Update: RAICES is also holding a "what you can do" webinar this Thursday:



Also for folks who are in Texas:

The Texas Civil Rights Project is seeking "volunteers who speak Spanish, Mam, Q'eqchi' or K'iche' and have paralegal or legal assistant experience."

There's also CARA -- an umbrella organization for the Catholic Legal Immigration Network, the American Immigration Council, the Refugee and Immigrant Center for Education and Legal Services, and the American Immigration Lawyers Association. Together, they provide legal services at immigration detention centers.

To help kids who are already in immigration detention, there's Kids in Need of Defense, which provides children with representation in immigration court and also lobbies for children's legal interests. Donate here.

If you're not quite sure where to give, ActBlue has bundled several immigrant rights groups into a single donation button -- see the list and donate here.

Remember, there's always the ACLU, which is fighting family separation with a federal class action lawsuit.

You want to march? Former top government ethics lawyer Walter Shaub, who gave up trying to tell the Trump administration what ethics even are, will be announcing the details of a national march (think DC and local affiliated marches) tonight on MSNBC's "All In with Chris Hayes." We'll make noise here, too.

Good people are coming together to put an end to this cruelty. EVERY Democrat in the Senate is now co-sponsoring Dianne Feinstein's bill to stop family separation.

And hell, we'll even give the last word to Jennifer Rubin, who seems to have reassessed some of her previous political views. She has a reminder for all of us:

Damn straight. Remember it every damn day between now and then.

It's your open thread. Don't boo -- organize. Time to RESIST.

Follow Doktor Zoom on Twitter

Don't take for granted that the institutions you love will always be there, like democracy, and Wonkette. Click to save at least one of them!

[Slate]

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There are perks to being the only Harvard professor willing to shill for the Bush League Mussolini. Everyone else has to haul ass to the Fox studio and sit for hair and makeup. Not Alan Dershowitz! He just parks his laptop in Pee Wee's playhouse and Skypes in that rant. Is he even wearing pants? We hope never to find out!

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