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The Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel, after the fact and amid much controversy, has released a statement assessing that Matthew Whitaker, literally the biggest fucking idiot in the world this side of Donald Trump, whose very nomination may be unconstitutional according to such legal brains as former solicitor general Neal Katyal and possibly soon-to-be-former Kellyanne Conway's husband George, is "unquestionably" qualified to lead the departrment, even without Senate confirmation. In making this argument, DoJ explained how the Vacancies Reform Act doesn't mean what all these other legal scholars think it means, and that senior staffers such as Whitaker are totally valid choices.

DoJ rejects the argument that "principal officers," i.e. those who only answer to the president, must only and always be subject to Senate confirmation, saying that doesn't count if somebody is only playing a "principal officer" on TV, like Whitaker is:


"Although an attorney general is a principal officer requiring Senate confirmation, someone who temporarily performs his duties is not," the opinion stated. "As all three branches of government have long recognized, the president may designate an acting official to perform the duties of vacant principal office, including a Cabinet office, even when the acting official has not been confirmed by the Senate."

DoJ also says this has totally happened before, in 1866, when this General J. Hubley Abston was acting attorney general for half a Scaramucci and nobody made a stinky about it then, so STFU about it now. Maybe Meatball McDumb should put a framed pic of old Hubley on his wall, for inspiration.

Here is what the report from the OLC does not say:

The Justice opinion did not address any issues related to recusal or whether Whitaker's authority is limited in any way.

So get ready for Republican asshole liars to go on Fox News and say the exact opposite of that.

We are curious what won OLC over to this interpretation of the law, when so many are arguing the opposite. News reports continue to come out about what a swell guy Meatball McDumb really is, so maybe it's one of those things.

Is it because he's constantly weighed in on how if HE was the boss of the Robert Mueller fake news witch hunt, he would find clever ways to kill it with his meatball paws? Oh that's right, DoJ didn't address recusal issues.

Is it because he thinks one of the touchstones of our democracy, the Marbury v. Madison Supreme Court case of 1803 that established judicial review, was decided poorly? No, the DoJ didn't examine the question of "is dude a dipshit."

Is it because he believes judges should have to pass religious tests to prove they love Jesus many bunches?

Is it because of that time a company he ran in Iowa defaulted on a $700,000 construction loan on a taxpayer-funded project and failed to pay contractors, and when he got sued for it, he hid from process servers under his bed? Because that seems like an eensy bit of an ethics issue to us, possibly even something that might put his security clearance in danger.

Is it because he was on the board of a scammy scummy fraud-y invention investment company called World Patent Marketing that scummily scammed people, including veterans, out of their life savings, and is now under investigation by the FBI?

Is it because of all the awesome stuff World Patent Marketing did when Whitaker was on the board and wrote threatening letters to people who were mad about how the company defrauded them?

For instance, maybe DoJ was just really impressed with how World Patent Marketing argued that DNA has proven the existence of Bigfoot, because that's just obviously #science.

Maybe it's the video scammy scummy World Patent Marketing put out extolling the virtues of fellow shitty scammy scummy businessman Donald Trump, because of how they are all total con-men.

OH WAIT, WE KNOW WHAT IT IS.

As Dana Milbank explains at the Washington Post, World Patent Marketing, while Whitaker was on the board, heralded the invention of (finally!) a toilet that won't make your peen wet if you have a very long peen. Some people save the whales, others cure cancer, but Matt Whitaker's company was dick deep in the physical challenge of making sure the longest dicks among us don't end up wading in the kiddie pool every time Big Daddy takes a dump. Here, learn about the Masculine Toilet, because that is what it is really called:

Changing the shape of the current toilet system is only half of the equation. The second half of the equation involves changing both (a) the height of the rim (which needs to be increased), and (b) the surface of the water level (which needs to be decreased). This will prevent contact with the water [and its contents] itself, whereas the first solution only prevents contact with the porcelain. The distance between the rim and the water surface needs to be long enough to ensure there is no risk of contact. The average male genitalia is between 5" and 6". However, this invention is designed for those of us who measure longer than that. I estimate that a 12" distance is adequate enough for most well-endowed men, though I would not be surprised if there are cases who need a greater distance. Nevertheless, for the time being, this is a good starting point. An "extra long" [XL] version can always be created if needed.

"Hey guess what? Derek is PACKING HEAT!"

"He has a gun?"

"No, I used the bathroom at his house and I fell into a sinkhole because he has the MASCULINE TOILET. I think I broke my pelvis! Or maybe DEREK broke my pelvis!"

"YOU LUCKY FUCK!"

This is probably a conversation that happens a lot in America because of Matthew Whitaker's contributions to society.

Maybe DoJ was just impressed that, as Milbank reports, back in 2003 Whitaker listed a personal injury lawsuit as one of the "most significant cases" he had ever used his lawyerin' skills on.

Oh hey maybe it's because of all the steroids. No, hear us out! We have been making jokes and calling Whitaker "Meatball" and saying he maybe is totally 'roided out, but look what happened when the Federal Trade Commission raided World Patent Marketing's Florida offices:

A photo places him in the Florida offices where "there were always handsome, 'well built' guys coming and going," according to an FTC filing, and which overlooked a "full nudity" strip club called Tootsie's Cabaret. When the FTC searched the Florida offices, it found 115 prescriptions, "primarily for testosterone and syringes."

Of course. Why wouldn't they have found a shitload of testosterone prescriptions at the offices of the company where the acting attorney general of the United States used to be on the advisory board, which was just across from "Tootsie's," where the ladies are guaranteed to be all the way naked?

Yep, we're stickin' with "Meatball." It is his name now, because he is that much of an unfuckable douchebag moron.

[USA Today]

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The producers of your favorite live-action Jack Chick pamphlet, "God's Not Dead" -- you know, the one where the Hercules dude plays an evil philosophy professor who tells all of his students on the first day that they are no longer allowed to believe in god? As all secular professors do? -- have come out with a thrilling new movie, all about how abortion is bad or whatever.

The movie tells the "true" story of Abby Johnson, a former Planned Parenthood clinic worker turned professional anti-choicer. Johnson has been a darling of the forced birth circuit ever since she made up ridiculous and provably false reasons for quitting the Planned Parenthood that was about to fire her for being bad at her job.

Basically, she claims that Planned Parenthood was pushing her to make more abortions happen so they could reel in more dough, and also that she witnessed (for the first time ever!) an ultrasound-guided abortion and saw the baby move from the light and then immediately realized that what she was doing was wrong.

The thing is, however -- no ultrasound-guided abortions were performed on the day she said it happened, and the only reason there was an uptick in abortions at her clinic was because they started offering the abortion pill on a daily basis (and had previously only been performing surgical abortions every other Saturday).

As you may have guessed, the movie does not address any of these things. It also looks very, very bad.

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Ever since Ruth Bader Ginsburg successfully underwent surgery for lung cancer, conservative sites and message boards have been trafficking in a ridiculous theory that she is actually dead and that there is some kind of Weekend at Bernie's-esque conspiracy to pretend she is still alive.

Now, one would think that her recent public appearance at a concert held in her honor would have put this to rest. Alas, it did not. Rather, the "researchers" (as they hilariously call themselves) determined that the concert was actually her funeral.

No. Really. That was a thing.

I admit that I gave this a lot more thought than I should have. Like, how did they think this would go? How long did they imagine this would go on for? Why would they risk having a full on funeral concert, open to the press? Wouldn't they just have not bothered to have a funeral at all? And what did these people think was going to happen when it was announced that she died for real? Or did they think that we were going to pretend that she is immortal and thus never announce her death? It's so confusing!

Being very up to date on the "RBG is secretly dead!" nonsense, I was very curious about which way the "anons" would go with this when they announced her return to work on Friday. They did not disappoint!

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