Kamala Harris Is President Of The 'Ellen' Show, And It Is GOD-DANG DELIGHTFUL!
Senator Kamala Harris of California is not running for president. You can tell, because why else would she only appear on little things like the "Ellen" TV program, a cable access show that only airs in a few towns in Southern California? Clearly she is going to be in the Senate forever.
Unless she's not! Maybe she is running for president, but she won't tell us yet! According to the scientific method of checking to see whatever comes out of our mouth when we say something like "When President BLANK BLANK is elected in 2020, she's going to have the busiest first hundred days ever undoing all the garbage shit that fuckhead has done to America," and noting that 10 out of 10 times, we say "President KAMALA HARRIS," we feel it's scientifically correct to say she's running. But that's just science, and you can take it or leave it.
(And before people pop into the comments to say "blah blah one time Kamala was the devil because here's why," YOUR CURRENT PREFERRED CANDIDATE ISN'T PERFECT EITHER. Whoever gets the nom in 2020 won't be perfect, we can guaran-damn-tee it. Let's go win some midterms, OK? Love youuuuu!)
ANYWAY, KAMALA WENT TO SEE ELLEN. It was delightful! And you need DELIGHT in your life, don't you? Here, have video time, which starts with Senator Harris giving us all some instructions we need in these shithole Trump times, which is that we have to be "joyful warriors," an attitude she exemplifies throughout the interview:
One of the things we loved about this appearance is that, of course, Ellen D. asked ninety different ways if Harris is running for prez, and of course, Harris deflected from answering ninety different times. But she followed up her deflection with one of the best lines we've ever heard from a politician who is definitely running for president, according to the scientific method we explained above:
Right now, we are in the early months of 2018. And at this very moment in time, there are people across America who have priorities around their healthcare, have priorities around can they get through the end of the month and pay the bills, pay off their student loans, can they afford to pay for gas, housing -- critical issues. These DACA kids, when we talk about where they are in terms of immigration. There are so many pressing issues -- guns! We've got to pass an assault weapons ban, we need to have universal background checks. These are immediate needs, and these are the things I am focused on right now.
I've seen so many people, Ellen, focus on that thing out there, then trip over this thing here. I don't want to trip.
SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TRIP. We like that! That's a good one!
Ellen D. responded, "So who would be your vice president?"
And Kamala Harris responded:
After that, Ellen decided to "vet" Kamala Harris, JUST IN CASE, and we learned stuff! For instance, Harris revealed that she was a VERY NAUGHTY PERSON growing up, because she always loitered in the hallway, and that her childhood crush was Tito Jackson, because everybody else had already called all the other Jacksons as their crushes so she was left with Tito, but she grew to LOVE him.
Also, she said this joke, which is making Sean Hannity and other dildo farts like him CRAZY. (No, we are not providing linkies for the stinkies who are whining about this. Just Google "whatever Sean Hannity is having a pooper-tantrum about right now" and that should take you right to it.)
ELLEN DEGENERES: If you had to be stuck in an elevator with either President Trump, Mike Pence, or Jeff Sessions, who would it be?
KAMALA HARRIS: Does one of us have to come out alive?
At which point, Ellen 'n' Kamala and the entire studio audience and the audience at home were like ...
And Sean Hannity (we know, we said you had to Google it but we couldn't stop ourselves) was like ...
And dumbfuck Infowars was like ...
And Stupidest Man On The Internet Gateway Pundit was like ...
And Wonkette was like HEY YOU FUCKING RIGHTWING LOSERS, remember this next time you start cryin' and bitchin' about how "Waaaaaaaaah, all the funny people do the liberal agenda to us, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH, why aren't there any comedy TV shows for simple dumbasses like us, WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!GHAZI!!!!!!!!"
It's because none y'all have a fucking sense of humor.
Anyway, Kamala Harris, please go ahead and send us your "Joyful Warriors" presidential bumper sticker for the 2020 election. WE'RE FUCKIN' READY.
And now you may open thread like your mama taught you.
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